Aiko

I really am sorry if I upset anybody It was not my intention...
It was not my intention to encourage using drugs nor driving stoned.

I truly sincere apologise for my behaviour.

I am aware of the dangers and I do not want to hurt anybody, me the first.
And that is why I am trying to Stop!!!

My dad drink drive for years and once we had an accident
and my mum was in coma 3 days and opened the head of my baby brother and I was witness.
I been run over myself and been in many car crashes!!!
and My older brother died on the road!

I am REALLY careful when I drive but I should have NOT done this morning.
NOR Write it in SR!

But that is what addiction makes us... STUPID AND WRECKLESS!!!
But Unfortunately I am not the first nor the last to drive stoned or drunk.

And if anybody is encouraged by my doings:
I could in fact kill someone on the road and would not have forgiven myself!
I could loose my job.
My family could find out!
I lost my sober friends bcos they could not cope with my relapses.
I can not go out at night cos I am an addict and an Alcoholic!
I have to take pills every day (anty-depressants) due to years of usage!
They want to lock me up me in a psychiatric hospital...call it REHAB!
I nearly killed myself yesterday with the amount I took. NOT the first time!
I am damaging my liver.
I am destroying the few brain cells I have left!
My head keeps day and night thinking where to get the next s*** and is driving me crazy!
It is physically destroying my life!

Just got home and I feel physically ill.
and I thrown all early this morning...
and I am really starting to feel the panic!!!
I do not have a thing to take and I can not cross the door...

And you are gonna be pleased to know that
when I go to the drug centre this week
they will get really angry with me and hammer me off...

I REALLY AM SORRY IF I UPSET ANYBODY!!!
I only asked for support cos I am finding it really hard to stop!!!
And the last thing I would want to do is hurting anybody!

LadyinBC

The one person that can encourage me to do that is me. Your posts cannot make anyone do anything.

I am certainly not upset with you. Give yourself a break and a hug. I know you are in pain and I'm sorry.

PurpleKnight

Hey Aiko, I'm definitely not gonna cast the first stone, I've done some pretty stupid and reckless things in my time, so I've been there and got the T-Shirt!!

I also have no doubt that we all want you to beat this!!

Nuudawn

Hey sweetie...I am not sure what this post is connected to. My best guess is you posted whilst using (you're certainly not the first and won't be the last).
You are not responsible for our behaviour.
Your remorse is honourable but it is best directed at yourself.
It sounds like what you did to yourself...how you endangered yourself is far more concerning that anything you did here.
Take care of you sweet thing...that is your biggest priority and responsibility here.

Aiko

THANK YOU,

and I really am sorry...
I am sick and am going up the walls right now...!!!!!

ScottFromWI

What's more important is you working on your sobriety so something like that doesn't happen again. Today was going to be day 1 for you, how is it going?

Gottalife

It would be an unusual alcoholic who would start drinking with evil intent. I just wanted to have a good time.

There were many times I regretted my actions, and often I was forced to apologise. Then I would repeat the behaviour. I never made amends, I never changed my behaviour or got seriously committed to a program that would help me do that. After a time my apologies lost any credibility. People just said yeah yeah heard it all before......

An apology wasn't worth much in the end, unless followed by real action to fix the problem. For me that was going to AA and taking the steps. After a while, people began to see the change, and were willing to forgive.

Nuudawn

No, this does not please me. Shame is a poor motivator. Is the drug center rehab or detox?
It sounds like you are desperately in need of help. When will you be seeing some sort of health or therapeutic professional?
Are you alone at home today?

Dee74

Hi Aiko

I missed the last part of the thread, but having read it I'm worried for you too.
You've come a long way from where you were. Don't let yourself slip backwards.

You - the real you - the sober and clean you - is worth fighting for

D

DisplacedGRITS

Hey, Aiko! I must admit that I too have driven under the influence. That is one of the sad things about addiction. We willingly put others in harm's way because our way of thinking is so selfish. Getting sober has helped me to think about other people first and I am able to conduct myself in a way that helps everyone and helps me as well.

The early days are very hard. They are physically difficult and it's hard to not go out and use again to help with the withdrawals. Remember, this pain does not last forever. It may feel like forever, but this shall pass. After that, it's good to adopt a program where you're in contact with other people who suffer from the same addiction and are in recovery. Being a part of a sober community has helped a lot.

Another big thing for me is to remind myself that no matter how good alcohol made me feel for a little while, the consequences were too much. I liked drinking alcohol. I'm sure I still would but I have to remember that I don't use alcohol the way normal people do. I live in a way now that helps me to deal with my life in a sober way. I react to things differently and I have a new way of thinking.

Remember, you're going to feel bad but this will go away. After that, the real steps of recovery can begin.

Aiko

I am home now...

Feel like s***, have not been able to eat and feel sick...
I am going up and down and my head is splitting...
And tomorrow I got to work...
I feel sorry for my work mates tomorrow...
I can get very aggressive!!!

I am going on Wed to the Drug Centre... there is a doctor there and a shrink...
I go about an hour a week or every two weeks... cos I work!
they told me to stop or I will have to go in Rehab...
So I have been pushing pills all week more and more...
I really overtook yesterday cos I knew I have to stop...
I am playing the Russian roulette...
I do not have anybody to control my medication so they told me I have to stop...
or else!!!

I just do not know how to live awake!!!
But I have thrown my stash down the loo this morning... Again!!!
and only got f**** Valeriana Tea :!

I know people do not have much faith in me
but I am trying my hardest to change!!!

This week I will be going crazy but the worse is keeping away permanently...
Just the thought of it...
I do not know how I am going to be able to do it!!!
but I am striving for it!!!
Only time will tell!!!

Dee74

Do be honest with your Doctors Aiko - they are there to help, and they can't do that with only half the story

I had no idea how I could live sober either, but I knew drinking and drugs would kill me, so I gave abstinence a try.

It was ok - the fear of what it might be like was FAR greater than reality

D

Notimetoloose

Aiko,it is great that you are posting, you can do this. Hang in there and try and change your mindset, do the work and say good bye pills. Listen to your Docs.

There is so much out there for you, a great future waiting for you if you just stop getting in your own way.

jdooner

Aiko in all our correspondence the one thing that is so obvious is you cannot do this alone. You need help. If I was in Spain, I would try to help you. But I am not. Your parents lost one child they should not need to loose another. You have to let others' in on your addictions. Your friends are cutting you off, you are isolating and work is prob next to go. Be proactive and ask for help.

You write of rehab as if its a punishment - right now it sounds like a brilliant plan for you.

lovesymphony

Your posts were heartbreaking and trust me, there was nothing triggering about them. It had a more opposite affect on me and made me remember that driving was a big reason I had to give up alcohol. I had two wrecks and should have gotten over 100 DUIs but seriously lucked out...We are better than this. I hope you find the help you need, and soon! At least you are making an effort to change. Please get professional help and whatever it takes for you to stop hurting yourself. Things will be better

Nuudawn

I'm going with Jdooner on this darling.
Rehab sounds like a beautiful answer right now.
You should not be in charge of you right now...you're too battle weary.
You need help...now...immediately.

Aiko

You know the sad part!!!
The friends I am keeping and put up with me are the druggy ones... And I am the healthiest one!!!

Going to rehab is a luxery!
I would love to go, it would be so much easier!!!
Than having to control by myself and prettending to be great!
But say I can scape 1 really max max 2 weeks...
I have to come out then what???

Will do anything my family will not find out!
Will find a cold body before I tell them!
I really am trying!

I have it so engraved to hide it!
The drug centre is in another city... There is in mine!!!
I gone 4 times 2 NA and I did not speak cos I had to say loud I am an Addict... I am not shy!!!
I speak here cos u all r foreigners, even here I'm risking it!
Most my clients r from UK.

My mum is so happy even though she is ill!
She is so proud of me... Godddd
My dad is literaly sick.in the head!
He was drinking whisky the.other day and he can not at all! But did not say.anything cos I am worse really!
And my younger brother... I do not know how he will react... I do not trust him! I started smoking at xmast and I am hiding it cos I would not stand him!!! Plus I am so ashamed!!!
Besides he was in hospital a couple of weeks ago heart attack!!! I am not telling him!

So I am making it or breaking it!!!
I am still alive for a reason!!!???

Have some faith in me!!!
I am reaching the finishing line!!!
Besides My name means bull fight

Dee74

The idea of rehab is a space for you to stop and get your head clear Aiko....and to work out the 'what then'.

I had to change my life and my friends. It was hard but if I didn't I would die.

I wanted to live.

D

Nuudawn

It does not appear that you are in control of anything really. You may be pretending...doesn't mean anyone's actually buying it...even if you think they are.

You have to get honest here...real honest. You have to surrender and give up the bullsh*t battle.
There is no greatness in cowardice and dishonesty.

It's real scary to be vulnerable and say I NEED HELP...but it's BRAVE as hell. It's hard..and it's scary and its courageous.
You have to get out from behind who you think you are. You have to get out from what you think you're family thinks you are.

You are a grown woman..right.
Stand tall and be that grown woman.
Be honest...admit you have a problem..
And solve it.
Get help.
Fight for yourself..your true, honest beautiful self.

Mac1

Hi Aiko,

I know exactly how you feel.
Only a few months ago I just couldn't see any way out of the mess that I was in.
But as Nuudawn says, there is an answer that just might work for you.
For me it was a 6 week rehab programme which finished in early May. It was the best decision that I ever made and my life is now so much better.
You may well be able to manage without rehab but my advice is to listen to the experts and if they recommend rehab to give it a try.
Best of luck