My Story of Uncertianty thusfar...

Old 06-16-2014, 10:02 AM
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My Story of Uncertianty thusfar...

As I write this... I understand how foolish it all is. So please bear that in mind when you read or respond.

I was 39 when I met 'Pixie'. I was 2-weeks into my 3rd separation from my (now) ex-wife. I was at a bar that was fairly far from my house, a 30 minute drive perhaps, when she walked in. At that time she was 22. We talked quite a bit that night and it was instant attraction for both of us. In fact, she was in the bar with a gentleman that she was seeing when we were locking-lips in the back of the building. She explained to me that she was in rehab for heroin and benzos, but I didn't care. I was a middle age man in the middle of a divorce, and I figured finding something like this was what I was supposed to be doing at this point.

During the next few months when I was 'recovering' from being newly divorced in an apartment with no furnishings and hardly a dime to my name, 'Pixie' would come and keep me company. Sure... There was sex and all of the things that an FWB should be providing, but there was something else happening too. Sometime in the thick of it, I fell in love with her. She did all the right things to make that happen. I had often joked that this must be God's cruel joke... to send someone so perfect to me that was also so very young. Mind you, we had not ONLY been drinking together... we would actually *do* sober things that couples would do together. Family nights with my kids (I have 3... 7 and a pair of 5 year old twins...), movies, walks in the park/woods, romantic dinners, cuddling on the couch... It wasn't a 'drinking' based relationship.

May of last year was her first relapse. As odd as it sounds, both of her parents are homosexual, and she and I were at a Gay Pride festival here in our town. She had been spending quite a bit of time with some of my lesbian friends and had connected with a friend of a friend. In addition to smoking pot and getting incoherently drunk, they also became intimately involved with her. Pixie explained to me that she thought she was 'gay', and wanted to be with a woman. Sadly, I delt with it. About a week later she told me she made a terrible mistake and wanted to be with me again. She quit pot and we were again a couple. She was 'on point' and did all the right things. We made each other happy.

By the time January of this year rolled around she had been acting really odd and I knew something was going on. She would make plans only to cancel them. She would allow hours to pass before returning a call or text if she returned them at all. She would tell me she was doing one thing, but then have no story to tell about that particular event. One night when we were watching a movie together, she had left her phone out. I had seen her enter her password so many times it was ridiculous and my suspicion got the best of me. In her camera roll, I found pictures of her engaging in sexual acts with another man. I was outraged. When I confronted her about it... and no I was not nice about it... she had explained to me that she was using again but wanted to be clean. She said that it wasn't her, but instead it was the drugs that were making her engage in this kind of behavior. She said that she wanted to get clean, and she wanted me to be a part of her process.

By this point I have so many investments in her emotionally, financially, spiritually and all the other romantic connections that I am believing if I just stick with this woman and accept the fact that she is an addict and I'm just supportive of her in her plight, that there will someday be a 'payout' for me. That she'll be a faithful and dedicated partner because, again... when she's 'on', she's 'on.' I mean she is the most absolute perfect partner to me.

We were planning on her moving in with me and building a life together, but as the move in day approached she just... in inexplicably broke up with me. I chalked this up to her being nervous about playing 'big girl' (she was living with her Dad, previously...) but still, I was stunned. Just... Stunned. We still talked as friends for the next couple of weeks or so. This is around St. Patricks day... She starts acting 'weird' again. She was visiting with a mutual friend when a vehicle unexpectedly came to the house and picked her up. She told my friend that her grandfather was in the hospital (her grandfather had 'died' during the two past relapses, and when I offered her father condolences he looked at me like I had two heads...) and my friend texted me immediately. I confronted Pixie about this and told her that she had to call me right at THAT moment. She explained that there were things going on that I didn't understand, so I pretty much explained that she had to tell me or I had to talk with her mom and/or dad. After a long and terrible web of dishonest half-truths. At that point she explained that she'd been arrested on prescription drug charges (klonopin non orig container) and marijuana charges. The very next day, I picked her up en-route to buy more drugs she said she needed to go to detox and wanted to be in inpatient rehab, where she is currently for the next week. from mid march until the end of May, she had been going to daily addiction meetings: NA/AA as a substitute for inpatient, and has been going to rehab. She's been clean since March.

The night before she went into rehab, she asked me to write to her and she said that she would call when she could. While she's been in there I've explained to her that if me not drinking was what it took to be her partner, then that is what I would do. After all, I do enjoy a glass of wine or beer or two once or twice a week when I do my night job, DJ work. I'm around alcohol those days. She hasn't called in a couple of weeks, and it basically took me to send her a self addressed stamped envelope to get her to write me back. In the letter though, she explained that she couldn't associate with people who drink/drug anymore... and I'm starting to think that I am being lumped into that category. In one way I'm okay with it... I've been through a lot as her partner that I just *never* want to experience again. On the other hand... I know she'll contact me when she gets out next week and we'll have the talk about getting back together. And since I love this girl I'm probably going to say 'okay'. So what's my problem?

None of this is certain. And I'm 41 now, so can't really be investing in things that aren't beneficial long term for my family and me. And I don't know if I should be moving on or hanging in there. I don't know if she's being advised to ditch me or keep me on as one of her main pillars of support. And as much as I want to pull away and bail, I still love her very much. I just honestly wish she'd give me some direction here. So, friends and family... What's your experience?
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Old 06-16-2014, 10:22 AM
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Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you found us.

Other members will be by to greet you and provide you feedback, but I'd like to offer a few of my own thoughts, too.

I was 39 when I met 'Pixie'. I was 2-weeks into my 3rd separation from my (now) ex-wife. I was at a bar that was fairly far from my house, a 30 minute drive perhaps, when she walked in. At that time she was 22. We talked quite a bit that night and it was instant attraction for both of us. In fact, she was in the bar with a gentleman that she was seeing when we were locking-lips in the back of the building. She explained to me that she was in rehab for heroin and benzos, but I didn't care. I was a middle age man in the middle of a divorce, and I figured finding something like this was what I was supposed to be doing at this point.
Where to start...all I can assume is in the moment, you were in a vulnerable state emotionally, and I can relate and empathize with that. Perhaps your ego got a boost from the fact a much younger girl found you attractive?

Of course, when you're vulnerable in the way you were, you don't necessarily make the best decisions. And it was those decisions that led you to us.

Personal growth does not come without pain. My hope is while you're with us, you not only learn about how to cope with a loved one's addiction, but you reflect and understand why you made the choices you did.

Again, Welcome to the Board.
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Old 06-16-2014, 12:23 PM
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Hello and welcome.

Let me ask you something, if a close friend came and told you this story and asked for your advise, what would you say? Often times I have found we will expect so much when telling others what we know to be true (and are correct), but when we have to apply those same things to our own lives we cannot or will not.

A life with an addict is one that is full of pain and misery many many times. She needs to focus on being alone and being clean. You need to focus on why you make this sort of choice in a person to begin with, and accept these things that are unacceptable. Being an addict is not an excuse to be a liar or to be unfaithful. You deserve more.
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Old 06-16-2014, 02:30 PM
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my my, where to begin!? we often talk here about RED FLAGS, those big banners flying in our face saying DANGER, STOP, THINK, NO! and your story is chock full of them!

the first meeting: you just TWO WEEKS into yet another separation from your wife. her, basically half your age, WITH another man on a date. both of you making out behind the building. her stating she was IN rehab for opiates (whihc makes one wonder how in the hell lshe could be on a date AT a bar?) and you NOT CARING.

i count six red flags.

you drank together. you drinking is not the issue, her as a supposedly recovering addict IS the issue. and then in your words, she relapsed. actually by taking even one drink the relapse was in motion.

while on this relapse she hooks up with two other women and they have sex, and then she thinks she's gay.

later on, when you THINK she's clean, she's actually been using and not only having sex with other men but taking photos on her phone. note - the drugs did not MAKE her do that....that's the oldest line in the book.

her poor dear grandfather has died at least twice and is on his deathbed, again. you seriously could not have bought that line after hearing it the 2nd time right?

she lives with her daddy. who i suspect is near your age.

now she's stated she can't be with you anymore.

i count at least 19 more red flags. that's a total of 25 in a short two year span. see, when we ignore the first red flag and press on, and then keep ignoring them, thinking if we only hang in there we are bound to get a payoff, we end up with situations like this. it's just doomed, sad to say.

this is one messed in the head chickadee. she hasn't figured out life yet, what she wants, nor has she demonstrated she can stay off drugs. she's just a little 24 yr old girl who hasn't been out in the world much or lived on her own and really done much WITH her life. let her go grow up.
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Old 06-16-2014, 03:18 PM
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It all sounds crazy, I know... red flags red flags red flags. I had my own red flags though... She accepted them. It isn't fair to assume what I 'deserve'. She carried me though the lowest point in my life, and I've been approaching this as a disease. I've been thinking along the line of, "If she had cancer, would I still bail?" And yes... I know it's all pretty silly. That being said, I learned a lot about addiction... and maybe I can help someone else too. And another, and another.. Why do I put myself through this? That's very difficult to say. My counselor (who was my marriage counselor) believes that I'm psychologically atoning for some great sin I committed. What I do know is that if someone... anyone would have stuck with me and gave me some guidance at an earlier age, then I might not be where I am now. Late to the game, and scrambling to play catch up building a life. But I digress...

I suppose there is one comment that really puzzles me though... "she needs to be alone and focus on her sobriety." Does she really need to do that alone? Does her focus really need to be *that* laser sharp that she forgoes all other things in life? Deny herself the things that made her happy? Is it always going to be about "the drugs"? Aren't you just trading one addiction for another at that point? Either you're doing drugs or recovering from drugs? drugs... drugs... drugs... Does that really work if you are always thinking about drugs? And does she really need to be 'alone' to do that? I guess I don't get that part.

But to answer your question, Hopefull, I believe it was... Yes. If someone were to be telling me this story I would have to ask them "What the hell are you thinking???" Even as I typed it I nearly backspaced and left out certain parts of it... But eh... It's my life. It's my story. and I really have to own that, mistake or no. lol

I just wanted to say to you three though, that while I found writing out my story very therapeutic, I am finding your responses very helpful. Please keep them coming. I really need someone to talk some sense into me rather than have people spew the Woody Allen "The heart wants what it wants" BS. I didn't want you to think that I was deflecting your advice. It very much makes sense.

Last edited by HerbiceXXV; 06-16-2014 at 03:30 PM. Reason: clarification grammar
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Old 06-16-2014, 03:23 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
when we ignore the first red flag and press on, and then keep ignoring them, thinking if we only hang in there we are bound to get a payoff, we end up with situations like this. .
Best advice ever, by the way.
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Old 06-16-2014, 04:38 PM
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you asked if she truly needed to be alone to work on her recovery....in short, yes. addiction is a mean hombre and heroin/opiate addiction is insanely hard to overcome. the body SCREAMS for the drug, the mind SCREAMS for the drug - be the same if you dove underwater, and then tried to stay there for two minutes....your lungs would soon SCREAM for air. and you would have no choice but to kick hard for the surface.

trying to learn the tools you need to beat that kind of affliction in a week, or a month and then for the REST OF YOUR LIFE takes absolute attention. complete devotion. you cannot waiver.....not for a minute, as every addict in recovery is exactly and precisely ONE bad decision away from falling back in to active addiction. that doesn't leave much. people in early recovery don't know their @ss from a hole in the ground....for a while. their lives had been centered around drugs...getting drugs, using drugs, finding ways to pay for drugs. cuz drugs ain't cheap and drugs ain't free.

so here is this young 24 year old burdened with this monster gorilla on her shoulder. if she doesn't kick this now, she's looking at the progression of addiction....shaping the direction of her life.

you can't fix this. you were a presence in her life for two years, and you basically had NO impact on HER addiction. any more than you could influence a disease or illness. WE cannot get them WELL and then KEEP them that way. it's noble to think so, but it is unrealistic. her addiction was there long before you showed up at the bar.

she is IN rehab. that's her best chance. what she does after she gets out will dictate whether she will be successful at staying clean. often addicts have to ruthlessly change their playmates, playgrounds and playthings.

it's life or eventual death for the addict. yeah it IS that serious.

i'm a former crack addict (among other things). I didn't start smoking crack til I was in my 40s. it got me in less than 3 months, after approximately 12 using events. GOT ME. and then went the next 4.5 years of my life trying to stop. it got worse, before it got better. my partner hank who "introduced" me to crack had been addicted to coke/crack for 20 something years. I got ready to stop before he did. so I had to make the decision and then put it into action to NOT USE AGAIN NO MATTER WHAT while my partner was not yet onboard with that idea. I didn't do rehab, I didn't go to meetings (altho I had many years before) and my support system was online.

eventually hank came around and we are both today coming up on 8 years clean. he came to his decision on his own....I sure as hell couldn't MAKE him stop, LOVE him into stopping, HELP him stop.

the big difference between diseases like diabetes or cancer vs addiction is that if the addict simply QUITS for good, the disease goes into remission. we can't just change our mind and make cancer go away. anymore than not eating sugar products fixes diabetes. nor can a cancer patient in remission completely prevent the disease from returning. but an addict can....with a daily reprieve based on the choices one makes.
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Old 06-16-2014, 05:36 PM
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That makes a tremendous amount of sense, Anvil. As intelligent as I *think* I am about this, I am in fact *very* naive. I've been reading here and there on this site for the better part of the evening, and am coming to realize that interaction is probably not good for either one of us... Among other things I read, co-dependency posts are an eye opener. And this guy, too, in the stickies... who I'm just going to copy and paste below. I feel like a complete idiot...


Quote:
What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
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Have A Great 24
-jon
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Old 06-16-2014, 05:52 PM
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dude, you are far from an idiot!!! you just didn't know what you didn't know. ideally none of us would be well-schooled in addiction. we learn and grow.
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Old 06-16-2014, 06:34 PM
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I feel like a complete idiot...
I must have read that sticky note a thousand times when I got here. It's startling because it's so blunt...and so very true.

Remember: you're an idiot only if you don't learn from your experiences. You have a chance to learn. What are you doing to do with it?
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Old 06-17-2014, 07:28 AM
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Shockingly true what you copied and pasted from the stickies isn't it? Hard to accept but it is what you need to read over and over and over. We try to reason the why's away and come up with any other possible answer except for the harsh truth because sometimes the truth really hurts.
Yes, she needs to be alone in this recovery because she is either going to quit or she isn't. You cannot help her nor save her. She has to want it herself.
You have your own family, CHILDREN who need you and should not be subjected to any of this nightmare.
I did want to comment on one particular comment you made because it so resonated with me

"What I do know is that if someone... anyone would have stuck with me and gave me some guidance at an earlier age, then I might not be where I am now. Late to the game, and scrambling to play catch up building a life. But I digress..."

I grew up in a ****** household with two parents who were extremely selfish. My mother never failed to tell my sister and I what a burden and pain in the ass we were to her. My dad ignored it and did his thing. I cannot tell you how many things I did and used that as an excuse for my behavior. I finally smartened up and found a really good CBT counselor who after a year got me to where I am now. Just like she cannot use her drugs as an excuse to cheat and lie you cannot use that excuse anymore to hang on to a drug addict who could actually give you a disease that can kill you from an STD. I am not trying to be harsh, honestly I am not.
At some point we have to be accountable for our own actions and decisions and not blame it on anything or anybody else from our past. I am speaking from experience here. Ive done just that. Many times over. We are both adults perfectly capable of making good or bad decisions.
It really doesn't matter anymore why you picked her and have had a relationship with her just like it no longer matters why she stuck with you or what you may have done or not done in your past. You are dealing with the present and right now she is in rehab and you had to send a self addressed envelope to get a response. Do you really want to keep doing this?

My advise for what it's worth? Keep going to counseling (I strongly recommend CBT), stop worrying about fixing her and work on fixing yourself. It is hard work but you will be a much happier person inside and it will help you make better decisions. You DO deserve better despite what you think.
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Old 06-24-2014, 03:20 PM
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Just touching base with you all. My A(x?)GF was released from Rehab today. I do know this to be true. I haven't contacted her, even though I *do* emotionally want to, I know she's working on her program. I know that *I* need to work on a program (discovered co-dependency)... so, I'm not going to contact her, as suggested, for 30 days. I know you don't mind, but I'm going to be lurking here for the next few days/weeks until I can be comfortable. It will not be easy. I've invested enough in her emotionally and mentally that I feel like I *should* be contacted... but if there's one thing you folks have taught me is that this is the way with addicts. Selfish... and the codependent (no matter how illogical...) selfless... I know it'd be a toxic conversation for us both. So... I'm still here, with the online naranon people... and I'm taking your advice to not do something idiotic.

Thanks for being there. You folks have been incredibly helpful and continue to be.

Chin Up!
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Old 06-24-2014, 03:32 PM
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and I'm taking your advice to not do something idiotic.
I think "idiotic" is much too harsh a word. None of us consider you an idiot. But, speaking for all of us, what we do encourage you to do, going forward, is to stop and consider whether the course of action you may take regarding her is in your best interests. And that is going to require a gut check and a lot of self honesty. The price that you have paid thus far has been tremendous. And none of us wish to see that continue.

God bless, man.
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Old 06-24-2014, 09:20 PM
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In my best interests...

No... no it would not be. I'm trying to build a legacy for my kids. She's living just for today. It just doesn't match up... But yes. I continue to lurk. I continue to read the stories. I know exactly what happens moving forward should I choose the route of an addict's partner. I'm lucky in that regard. I have a choice. Sadly, reading around it seems that no addict is the proverbial 'unique snowflake'. It always ends somehow in prolonged pain, suffering and emotional stress. My heart feels as if something *could* be different if her life *didn't* revolve around drugs. Yet, I know logically that her life (for too long for my liking, anyway... years...) will ALWAYS revolve around drugs, whether it's doing them or recovering from them. I continue to lurk, and that's what I see. No... it's not a good path for my kids.

Anyway, you folks are the best. I'm so glad to have found you to help me make sense of this.
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Old 06-24-2014, 09:48 PM
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We all think our situation is unique and different. However, when you strip it down its all the same. It took me a VERY long time to realize that.
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