involved

I have been in a 2 year, long distance relationship with R?ABF. It has been a hell of a roller coaster ride. Back story...we dated 17 years ago. We met thru his ex wifes cousin when the 4 of us went to a concert. Sparks flew right away. But he was married. I do hair for a living and soon after we met, they both (he and his then still wife) started to come to me for cuts. He keeps asking me out and I say no! Your married! Then she comes in and explains that they have had trouble for quite some time and that I should go out with him!!! Ackward! So we went out for over a year! During that time, he went to out patient rehab and AA meetings. I didnt know much about Alcoholism back then. I was a single mother with 3 small kids. And very naive. We ended because he never actually left his wife! He had a small daughter and was trying to make things work. I turned out to be the day time girlfriend and when 5:00 came and she got home...the calls stopped. We did date at night but mostly it involved drinking. He didnt do that at home much. Long story short we broke up. He continued to try to make it work intil 2002. When he finally moved. He is from another state and always vowed to move back home when his daughter grew up. He aleays kept in contact with me. I was in a 10 year relationship with another Alcoholic suring that time. We broke up and 4 years later R?ABF decides its tome to move back home. He invites me along for the ride. He promised to not drink and he stuck to that promise. He told me on the 4 th day of the journey that he hadnt told anyone but he was going to try to quit after moving. I started to remember my feelings for him but nothing happened the whole trip. We talked on the phone every day for a month and he flew back to visit. We ended up becoming a couple. The red flags are flying! he crys when I want to go to a bar with a friend to see a band that an ex fling plays in! then on the last day here he says Marry me Sharon! twice! his ex wifes name! I hauled him to the airport crying and determined its over! but he calls me so apologetic and crying and blah blah blah and I get sucked back in. He asks me every day to marry him. He is struggleing with the quitting but going to meetings....no sponsor. 4 months later I flew out to visit him. I peeked at his phone and saw there were texts asking other women out! When I confront him ...well you know the show....2 years later he has mostly quit drinking. Last slip was in december. He has had 2 sponsors. Has half assed worked the steps...meaning didnt put much effort into it...he showed me his step 4 papers...he was calling some woman he worked with during this time to go out with. So that says something about where his focus was. But I keep falling for the blah blah because he calls me every early every morning and late every night...so I tell myself that he hasnt been sleeping around at least...as if that makes it ok. I put blocks on the phone but he still can send pictures and he goes to pay phones and sent emails that manipulate me into calling him. He tells me he lives me and wants to mive back. And I am sucked back in. Next visit I see he is sending I love you texts to the ex wife. I tell him her or me and he gives me all the passwords to phone email and facebook. He quits talking to her. But I have a gut feeling he is sending her cards (he always sends cards and mails things) so next time I see him I of course check his phone...sure enough I see a text to his daughter saying he had sent them both cards. He has been emotionally abusive, manipulative, a bully, sexually abusive and left marks on my wrists and last visit he head butted me "accidentally" in the face. I took him to the airport early and dropped him off at a hotel to get himself home early. I said I am done. He waited a week and started with the calls and texts so I finally put the blocks back on. Today is day 5 NC. I feel pretty good mostly but I get wallowed down when I think about how abusive I have also come to be. And I feel unreasonable sometimes because I try the "with love" thinking that his daughter wouldnt have anything to do with him so he has to be attatched to the ex...who seems to be just as attatched to him. She has been in a 5 year relationship with an A. I keep vascillating between there is no excuse for bad behavior to admitting that I have been suspicious and accusing him needlessly. I hope he changed his passwords...but I wont let myself check...his life is none of my business and that is my past and if i saw anything that hurt me it would be my fault I was in pain..I tell myself he wasnt ready yet and has unresolved resentments and even though he says there is nothing between them...i think he needs to find out. I need to heal. I am not gonna die even if there are times I feel like it.
Just wanted to tell my whole story...because I have not told all of it to anyone. I had hope he would work on his recovery...but I lost my dignity in the process...
Thanks for reading

FeelingGreat

Stick with the NC, Involved. If you just take his actions out of your story, rather than the sweet talk, phone calls etc. you get a much clearer idea of who he is.

involved

Yes...I have known all along his actions have not matched his words...but I just didnt listen to myself!

Hawkeye13

It isn't to late to listen to yourself now

You've got a good sense of what is really going on.
You deserve more from a life partner.

AnvilheadII

wow, this guy just sounds like a CHAMP! not. starting to date while he was still very married was the first red flag....regardless of what his WIFE said. but the moment you mentioned abuse.....DEAL BREAKER. he's got issues that just recovery from alcoholism won't fix. good for you for getting out and going NC. STAY THAT WAY.