Jeni26

This seems hard today. My Dad is very ill. He has cancer in his lung and voice box. When I was a child I wanted him to die...I had daydreams in which he had been killed in a car accident and left us all to live our lives in peace. We endured years and years of physical and mental abuse at his hands. He is an alcoholic and my Mum his codependent enabler.

Now I'm grown up and my children are young adults. I've battled my own demons with alcohol and have been sober over 2 years...and my perspective has changed. I've worked through the steps of AA and had counselling and have very clear boundaries in my relationship with both my parents. I have talked to my Dad and he has apologised for 'not being the Dad he should have been' (his words).

I have never celebrated Fathers Day...but today I have bought him a gift and card. It feels weird. And sad. I can't really understand why this is hurting. I'd got detachment off to a fine art. Just not today.

happybeingme

Jeni, it is ok to feel sad for the relationship that never was. To feel sad knowing your dad is hurting and his time is running out. Allow yourself to mourn. Buying him a gift and card was a loving and generous act

Kialua

I understand. Sounds like my dad. At least yours apologized. Even when mine was in treatment his letter of apology blamed me, the fifth child, for all his ills. As if. If you can be kind to an undeserving soul that is wonderful. But it's normal to be hurt once in a while even if you have emotionally detached. We all mourn what we didn't have.

DoubleDragons

Even though we celebrated Father's Day with my narcissistic (and probably alcoholic) father last weekend because my sister and her family were in town, I still got the mopey, guilt trip conversation when I called him today. He got a special cake, presents, cards and a visit, but since I didn't give him today, he made it clear that I am a lousy, disappointing daughter. Last Father's Day was a real gem. My mother came to a restaurant to celebrate Mothers Day, so loaded that she fell into a potted plant. My father kept ordering her more wine. This was early afternoon and in front of my children. So, my husband and I said that we would no longer attend family events that involved alcohol. So, last Father's Day my dad made a point of buying in my husband's favorite beer (my father is not a beer drinker) and drinking it up and trying to push it on my husband. My husband and I did not drink alcohol, but we stayed, even though my dad being a complete a$$. Yet he still thinks we should be with him kissing his butt this year. I know logically that I am right but I still have this Damn irrational guilt.

Jeni26

I didn't see my Dad. His present and card are still on my kitchen table. I called him and he said he wasn't well enough for visitors. I felt a pang that he referred to me as a 'visitor' when I am his daughter, but I'm ok with it now. I can't detach and then complain that he sees me as detached can I?

On the whole I am much better than I once was, I don't get racked with guilt now, but I do still need to watch for my tendency to try and manage situations..thinking I am responsible for how he and my Mum are feeling. I found myself texting my sister asking if he didn't want to see her either, wondering if it was just me he was avoiding.

But I've had a good day...my kids have made a fuss of my H and we've had some great family time. And that's what's important. The cycle of violence has been broken.

I intend to support my family as much as I can through whatever the next few months bring. He has been ill for a long time and I've worked through many of the scenarios already in my head. I don't want to end up regretting anything.

Try not to feel guilt DD..I really think it holds us back. you did the best you could, and so did I. And Father's Day is over for another year.