Idonotknow

My boyfriend likes to get drunk about once a week. He does this in our apartment, with no one there except the two of us. I don't like this because he gets drunk to the point of falling on the floor and passing out, and can't remember conversations or have a coherent conversation with me. I've told him my thoughts on his drunken state, and he considers it an "imperfection" and tells me, "everybody has flaws." I know I have flaws, we all do, but I see his drunken behavior as more than just an "imperfection." How do I tell him this? Or am I being too hard on him? Or could he be an alcoholic in denial?

ladyscribbler

The label is less important than how you feel about it. You don't like it, and he clearly has no intention of stopping. This type of drinking is also progressive. My ex started in a similar way and eventually progressed to blackout binges that last for weeks. Right now it's one night a week. How will you feel when it turns into an entire weekend? Spills over into the week?
You can't control his drinking, but you can help yourself. Do some reading, check out the stickies at the top of the page. They are a great way to begin educating yourself about alcoholism.
Glad you found us, you're in the right place.

Hammer

Hey Welcome.

What do YOU want to do?

Not asking about telling him this, that or anything . . . but what do You want to do for YOU?

For example . . .

If he IS an Alcoholic, you would like to ____________________.

If he IS NOT an Alcoholic, you would like to ____________________.

If those come up to "stay with him," "try to help him," etc., etc. . .. . most likely you should consider Alanon. Not because it will help him, but because it will help YOU with the life choices you may be making.

All the best.

Idonotknow

He's not like, dependent on alcohol, an addict, as in he will go in DTs without it. He can go without it just fine for periods of time.

When we first started dating we were in two different states, a long-distance relationship, then I moved up to Chicago to be with him. So, I don't know if he was like this when we first started dating. (We first met at my cousin's wedding, and then continued talking online until I moved up to Chicago). However, he was at least somewhat like this in college because one of his friends had taken pictures of him getting drunk and passing out and made a whole Facebook album dedicated to that.

ladyscribbler

Physical dependency is one of the end stages of alcoholism. You can be an alcoholic way before things like DTs set in. My ex used to be able to go for several weeks without drinking. That's why we say alcoholism is progressive.
Your bf had this problem before you met him and he is not going to "outgrow" it the way some college binge drinkers do. You told him you don't like his drinking behavior and he went on the defensive. He does not want to give up alcohol. That is his choice, you have choices here too. He has a right to drink, and you have a right not to live in a home with active alcoholism.

Idonotknow

How do some college binge drinkers outgrow it and others no?

Okay, so I told him he has to stop. And he says, "okay, if it means the difference between our relationship or not, I'll make the choice to stop. But what about you? (And then proceeds to point out stuff that I've been putting off, etc.) Not a one-way street."

How do I respond to him when he says this stuff to me?

fairlyuncertain

Um, you're heading for resentment if he feels like he's making a big sacrifice for the relationship, and you need to do something equally difficult.

If he had a healthy relationship with alcohol, it wouldn't be any big deal to cut back or quit.

Relationships arent a one-way street, true. If he's an alcoholic, the relationship's a dead-end street. I wish you both the best and I hope things work out in a positive way for you.

ladyscribbler

No idea. Heredity? Luck? Physiology?
I thought for a long time that I had the right to demand that my axb stop drinking because it was ruining our relationship. The thing is, he is an adult and so am I. He has a right to drink, no matter how many problems it creates. He has a right to be in denial. He has a right to point the finger at my failings. He has a right to blame others for his drinking.
I also have rights. I have a right not to live in a home with active alcoholism. I have a right not to accept unacceptable behavior. I have a right not to be the scapegoat for an alcoholic.
Thanks to Mik3 for the thread "Your alcoholic has the right to drink." I'd post a link, but they never work on the iPad.

Idonotknow

I'm asking him to not get drunk so much. It's not like I asked him to cut off a limb.

ladyscribbler

To an alcoholic that is worse. They would rather lose a limb than stop drinking. In fact, losing a limb would give them an excuse to continue drinking.

honeypig

Welcome to SR, Idonotknow. It's too bad you find yourself in this situation. I can surely understand where you're unhappy about his behavior w/alcohol. I'd encourage you to read as much as possible here, including the stickies at the top of the page. Learning more about alcoholism is a good place to start.

As has been said already, the actual label for your boyfriend matters a lot less than how you feel about his behavior. If you're uncomfortable with it, you are certainly within your rights to ask him to change it. You've done so, and he has stated in no uncertain terms that he is unwilling to do so, or will do so only if you change something too.

Around here, folks call that "showing you who he is." He is telling you exactly how important it is to him to drink. Is that something you're willing to live with? If this is the best it ever gets, will that be good enough for you?

Nobody but you can answer these questions. However, you don't have to answer them right this minute. Again, read here, do some more internet research on alcoholism, get some books out of the library, maybe go to a couple Alanon meetings. You'll start to see things more clearly as time goes by, and you'll know what you need to do when it's time.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

Dee74

Hi and welcome

I'm coming from the alcoholic side.

If he's falling drunk to the floor, that not a normal, or healthy relationship with alcohol.

If he's negotiating with you on what *you* have to give up in order for him to give up falling on the floor and passing out, I think it's more than a bad habit.

D

Idonotknow

But, how do I respond to his comments?

ladyscribbler

Why do they require a response? All he is doing is making noise to distract from the real issue, which is that you are uncomfortable with his drinking. You can defend yourself against these phantom issues all you want, but remember that what we defend against we make real and in the process alcoholism wins, because now everyone is distracted by noise and nonsense. Your so called flaws have no bearing on the amount or frequency of his alcohol consumption. This is a very common tactic of active alcoholics and addicts, trying to shift the blame to you so that the focus is taken away from their substance abuse.

honeypig

Ladyscribbler said it so well.

I'd like to add this: What is it you want to respond to? What do you want to tell him? And perhaps more important, why do you want to say that? Do you hope to change him or his thinking? You don't have to answer those questions here, but it might be helpful to think about them.

This thread might be useful for you: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...red-flags.html

I'd like to urge you again to read in the forum and in the stickies as much as you can. Even though you might think none of this applies to you, I believe if you read more, you'll start to see a pattern and things will fall into place for you.

AnvilheadII

I'm asking him to not get drunk so much. It's not like I asked him to cut off a limb.

actually for the alcohol dependent or alcoholic, asking them to quit or slow down IS the same as asking them to cut off a limb or stop breathing. not all alcoholics or problem drinkers drink EVERY day. it's what happens when they DO drink....like fall down, pass out, black out. not all alcoholics immediately go into DTs...or drink Mad Dog.....

you stated your claim. he immediately put conditions on that.

keep in mind he's been like this since college. and probably before. this condition is not NEW to him. it's part of who he is. it's just new to YOU.

PurpleKnight

Be honest with him, just like if you weren't happy about any other aspect of the relationship, drinking is no different, tell him and if it's something you're not happy with and he's not willing to change, then no relationship can survive in that context, no matter what the issue is.

I think we overcomplicate things when it comes to alcohol, but if he's falling on the floor and your not happy about, where is the relationship going? time to sit down and have an honest talk with him.

Bullfrog

I would say that it's actually time to sit down and have an honest talk with you, not him. Do you want to live the rest of your life this way? You are young and have so much ahead of you.

LvWrAM123

"How do some college binge drinkers outgrow it and others no?"

Normal drinkers outgrow binge drinking, alcoholics don't. And in fact, alcoholics actually get worse over time.

Alcoholics are not capable of "not getting drunk so often". The whole issue with an alcoholic is that once they start drinking, they have a hard time stopping. Maybe if they are really motivated and really try hard they can succeed at looking like a "normal drinker"-ie have a couple drinks in an evening and then stop, for a little while, but it won't last.

Glad you are here, but sorry you are here. Read, read, read here at SR, and you will start to understand more of what you are dealing with.

Idonotknow

They don't, but his point was that everyone has flaws; i.e., I have my habit of always being late to things, while he has his drinking habit. Are the two really that different?