bookmaven

I'm RA, my ABF is currently in prison for DUI. I do not believe he is a bad person, I believe he is one of those unfortunates to "suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest" and that his time in lock-up saved his life.

His mother doesn't agree with me. She is consumed with anger (much of it directed at me because I was "right there getting drunk with him"). She obsesses over him, saying he's the first thing she thinks about in the morning and can't sleep at night worrying over him. She enables him. If she were allowed to bail him out I know she would - she's done it every single time before. She lies to her family and friends about where he is and why. She wants to "comfort him" and "kill herself". There's more. I'm sure I could find an example of every codependent behavior in the book if I really wanted to waste my time.

I know, as a recovering Codie myself that you can't force someone else's recovery. So I suggested she try Al-Anon, she said she did, but that she doesn't get anything out of it. To me it's obvious that she doesn't "get it" and clearly isn't interested in trying to get it.

I came on here today to pose a question, but in the process of writing this I already figured out the answer. Her denial, anger, finger pointing, and threats of self-harm are making ME uncomfortable and sad because I was allowing it. I did what I thought was the right thing to do, and now I have to let go and let god.

I guess it's time to talk to my HP.

Sungrl

Gently nudge her to try Al-Anon again. A different meeting maybe. Maybe introduce her to SR. I understand the anger and the constant obsessing. If she doesn't do something to help herself detatch she will go crazy. SR saved my soul.

onceuponatime2

My mother-in-law blamed me for things too regarding my husband's drinking, and I am not an addict. She thought I should somehow be able to make him stop drinking. Crazy thinking, doesn't she think I would if I had that power. For that matter if anyone had that power wouldn't she of been able to make him stop drinking. I think it is common for codependent moms to blame friends, spouses, anyone but their child. Also, the rescuing behavior is common too. They view it as helping instead of enabling. You can make suggestions to her on where to get help, but just like the alcoholic you can't make her. You are powerless over other people's behavior.

bookmaven

I don't think I'm trying to control her behavior, I think I'm having trouble coping with my emotions after interactions with her. I'm really angry, but not at her, I'm angry that I feel bad after talking to her.

I'm sorry if that doesn't make sense. Please ask questions if I'm being unclear.

honeypig

That's what it sounds like to me, too, bookmaven. It just sounds like frustration w/someone who's doing all they can to make a bad situation worse...

I think your suggestion to yourself to "let go and let God" is perfect. Hope you get some peace for yourself soon.

Hammer

Hmmm, you all are putting me down memory lane today.

Early in Alanon . . . the wisest Granny-Nanny-Alananny-Ayatollah kindly spoke to me and saidth -- "If you [me, Hammer] were talking to your Sponsor, you would not be talking to [AWtf's] Mother."

Turns out four years later, with a Good Sponsor and much more experience, I have discovered she was correct.

NOW, I do not talk to AWtf's Mother. I do not even take calls from her. AND am careful to not be caught alone with her. Will trade texts, if needed. She says it is hard to express herself that way.

Since I have learned that "Express Herself" includes screaming at me . . . I would say she is very correct. She cannot "Express Herself" at me any longer.

Works for me.

bookmaven

When I said "he is not a criminal. He's SICK!" She smirked and said "I don't believe alcoholism is a disease. It's a choice." I responded "no, the choice is whether or not to take responsibility for his own treatment, sobriety, and recovery, just like a diabetic has the choice to take their insulin or not." Btw, this is only the 2nd time I have spoken to her since his arrest about 10 weeks ago. Now I remember why.