smama24

My boyfriend is in sober living, he has been struggling the past couple weeks, left the house and went on a bender then moved back into the sober house last night. Even talking to him today it sounds like he is drinking (no joke, I'm right 9/10 times I suspect it) and I don't want to create a confrontation with accusing him but I also don't want him to think he can get away with this. I DONT want him coming to visit if he has been drinking, I think he has, he swears up and down that he hasn't. What should I do?

We have a breathalyzer here, but is that going too far by asking him to blow if he wants to come over?

NYCDoglvr

Tell him you only want to see him after 90 days of sobriety, when he can show he is working a program. In the meantime, ask him to stop contacting you.

smama24

That is basically what just happened. He didn't take it well and basically acted like I was a joke. I am sure he was treating me so poorly because he was under the influence. I said I wanted at least 2 weeks of him away (that's a start) and sober before he could come over here and I also asked for his key back. It lead to an argument and now I am the one in tears feeling defeated.

CodeJob

I crled after I changed the locks. Boundaries are tough.

Mountainmanbob

after your boyfriends recent relapse I would ask him to give me a few days so as to gather my thoughts and time for him to get a few days sober and then get together and have a talk
Mountainman

smama24

It sounds like I am the only one who wants to talk. He seems completely okay with leaving me, he just didn't give me back my key because I kept MY iPad charger from him. Yes, a charger. I feel pretty hopeless. I'm always that person who can't go more than a day without talking to him. I am especially sad now because Sunday would be his first Father's Day with our baby and I wanted it to be special.

Chelsea1029

I know for me having some distance really helped. When my AH moved out it was so much easier for me to decide what I really wanted and realize I couldn't fix him.

Mountainmanbob

I'm sad for you for that
That is a nice desire you have for him
Mountainman

mejo

When they are angry and defensive, they will act like they don't give a crap about you. It is a character defect and a defense mechanism (yes, they have them just like we do, believe it or not, lol) Just try to remember it is the addict talking right now. This is not the person you care about. Worry about today. Not father's day. You are future trippin about a day that is not even here yet. Things may settle down by then.

smama24

Future tripping... I hear that a lot! But only started to take note of it in the past 2 days or so since I started on this website. It's hard not to future trip on some things (especially since I am a parent and I need plans and structure) but I find myself worrying about things I don't need to. Thanks for reminding me of that!

What I see as a positive though is that he isn't leaving denying he has a problem or saying he doesn't want help, because he wants it and is getting it. I just guess I need to give it time.

NWGRITS

If he's drinking again, then you're rocking the boat and that's not kosher with an addict. He's hoping to hook you so things can go back to normal. Hold your ground. There's no way of knowing if he'll find long-term sobriety, so no point getting all worked up about it. Take care of your baby and yourself.

When it comes to holidays with an A, the best expectations are no no expectations. They can ruin any special occasion in spectacular fashion.

CodeJob

Plan a fun little craft for you and baby to mark Father's Day. Something messy and tactile and memorable. Make a few and laugh while doing it. Shoot silly pictures. One edition is for you - you've earned it.

Chances are good you are mom and dad most of the time right now for your little one, so you two celebrate it. Make it a good day no matter what.