Woodman123

Hello SR friends... I could use some perspectives on the "No Contact" rule. I have read the stickies but I am not sure how to apply to my situation. My AW has been in an apartment (at my urging) for the past 2 months, not far from our house. This was intended to allow us each to work on ourselves and have our own spaces to do so. Obviously, it was also intended as a consequence to her continually relapsing behaviors- it was up to her to get sober, get better, get a job, and show the family she could stand on her own two legs. However, we (I) did not set any absolute "no contact" expectation here- as such, she wanted to come over a few evenings a week to cook dinner for myself and the kids, visit with the kids, etc., but always must return to her apartment (NO sleepovers!). She says this helps her, as she claims she gets depressed sitting all alone in the apartment (though she does have a dog). My kids are old enough they can drive over to see her anytime they wish.

So here's the rub- she has in NO way achieved recovery. Her monthly cycle of rapidly deteriorating drinking, leading to admission for detox continues. Once she's 'cleaned up', she returns to the apartment and wants to resume the biweekly visits like nothing's happened. Each time I get more and more uncomfortable with her coming over- just brings additional stress, anxiety, etc dealing with her on any level. But now she has a medical complication that is causing extreme abdominal pain- could be alcohol related, or not (no, not pancreatitis or liver- that;'s been checked). So, she's going in for some invasive tests to see what's going on- in the meantime, she's extremely worried since she's losing weight, can't eat much and in constant pain, and now she's more desperate than ever to come over to visit. I guess in my mind, I would be fine with true NO contact, but have accommodated her desire to see the kids. But now, I feel even worse telling her to stay away, especially if she truly is dealing with another medical condition- it's like kicking her when she's down.

I am still on the brink of filing for divorce, but I still love her. However, I cannot deny that I am SO much happier and in such a state of peace when she's not around. I just worry that continuing to allow this visitation business is like sending her the wrong signals, that we can pretend everything is fine, and in her mind makes the possibility of divorce not real, when in my mind its very real, and likely. As always, appreciate the collective wisdom here!

m1k3

When I was a newbie here an old timer gave me some great advice.

No contact means NO contact.

We have been separated 3 years now and every time I violated that rule the old anxiety reared it's ugly head.

I am now starting the divorce process and the only way I will be in contact with her will be email. Even talking on the phone starts the anxiety again. I feel safe and strong in my recover and I know the strongest part of my armor is no contact.

Your friend,

Butterfly

My AH left 3 months ago and I struggled with the idea of no contact and every time I seen him or contacted him via text it set me back. All my anxiety about his choices to leave so he could continue to drink reared their ugly head. I still struggle to understand addiction and may never but what I have discovered is like Mik3 has said is right no contact means no contact nothing at all. I have had no face to face contact for nearly 3 weeks and no text or telephone contact for one week and I feel better for it. I am focusing on me for the first time.

You say your kids are old enough to go and see their mother themselves so there is no need for her to come to your house. She has the best of both worlds her own apartment where she can drink then come to your home and have family time. It's not fair on you or your kids. Like mine after their dad called to the house I was a wreck and they saw this.

How do your kids feel about her calling for family time.

I told my AH that I didn't want to see him for at least 4 months or until he sorts himself out. I know that he won't have dealt with his addiction in that time but if he has at least tried to stop drinking and sought help it will be the right path for himself but I don't think he will and I can't see us reconciling as he has hurt me so deeply over the years. I miss him terribly and I love him deeply but I am enjoying living without the fear and anxiety that his addiction brought. My home is so much more peaceful and quiet since he's not here.

No contact is very hard and I still struggle with it but the benefits for you is worth it.

If you decide no contact Speak with your kids and tell them why you have made this decision.

I wish you luck

lillamy

Just as you can have compassion for someone from a distance, you can love someone and still not want them disrupting your everyday life.

How about a conditional no contact: She's not allowed in your house; if you want to meet her, YOU initiate contact. Same for the kids. Would that work?

SparkleKitty

I think your worry here is very valid. You do send signals that reinforce her hopes when you allow her to visit even though it is not what you want. The point of the separation was to give each other the space to figure out what is next. You are not achieving that with this halfway arrangement, and you are cheating yourself of the true distance of perspective that you will need to determine what is best for you moving forward.

tabac210

IMO, you've answered your own question; my AH is in recovery & we are better than ever from a relationship standpoint, but I have made it clear that the continuation of our marriage is dependent on his sobriety. Take care of yourself now. You said it felt like kicking her when she's already down, however, you didn't drag her down the hole--alcohol did.

If the kids are old enough to drive to see her & choose to do so, they probably need some education on boundaries as well as ensuring their safety. (emotionally & physically)

I hope I don't sound uncaring-I do realize how difficult this must be for you, but as a recovering "codie" (learned that one here on SR , I finally get how important my peace & happiness are as well.

best wishes to you & your family. Hope all the medical issues are minor & your wife chooses recovery soon!

dandylion

Woodman123---I understand that the abdominal pain combined with loss of weight is worrysome and adds a extra layer to the picture...and least for now.

Do you have the support of someone experienced in addictions helping you with these decisions. The responsibility and stress of all of this is too much to carry on your own head, alone.

Did the tenative plan for her to go to Hazelden go south??

I assume that you have already consulted with legal counsel.

dandylion

p.s.--is it possible that she is not eating properly on a regular basis---now that she is living alone and still drinking? Of course, the medical people will sort this all out......

MissFixit

Hi

Congrats on the two months of freedom, but I agree you are sending her mixed signals. Relationships are sticky, alcoholism is sticky and the combo is a mess. You must be clear and have YOUR words and actions match...that is integrity, at least IMHO. Sometimes you cannot be with the person you love. Life is not always fair, but you can adjust and you have the mental clarity to do so. The biggest gift you can give her is letting her have the dignity to live her life the way she wants to even if that way doesn't allow for your marriage to continue. She has to find her own way in the word, just like you do and I do.

Your kids are big, I think? Like college age and high school age? If so, they are plenty old enough to decide IF they want mom in their lives and they can talk with her to make that happen if so, you know?