Would Have Been our Anniversary Today
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Would Have Been our Anniversary Today
Despite all the things I really don't like about my XAH, today would have been our 18th wedding anniversary.
I have walked 2.5 miles in the park, scrubbed the bathroom floor, completely cleaned off the outside kitchen patio, taken out the garbage, baked a dozen and a half cupcakes and vacuumed the living room and kitchen....wearing myself out isn't working today.
But I am still very sad. Sad for what could have been if I had been less codependent and sick in the head, if he had been less controlling and resentful, if we had just loved each other more or if we had just known how to be married.
Today just hurts.
I have walked 2.5 miles in the park, scrubbed the bathroom floor, completely cleaned off the outside kitchen patio, taken out the garbage, baked a dozen and a half cupcakes and vacuumed the living room and kitchen....wearing myself out isn't working today.
But I am still very sad. Sad for what could have been if I had been less codependent and sick in the head, if he had been less controlling and resentful, if we had just loved each other more or if we had just known how to be married.
Today just hurts.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Philly burbs, NJ
Posts: 99
How about "If he hadn't been an alcoholic?" Don't put the blame first on yourself. I struggle with this too--separated right now from RAH and still feeling "bad" for him-- that half our kids won't talk to him, don't want to see him and think I should keep him kicked out forever. Coulda, woulda, shoulda-- doesn't do me any good because it all begins with what he did--and I have no control over that.
I identify with the cleaning--my house has never been cleaner and I've gotten projects done I've been putting off for years! Do something nice for yourself today, whatever it might be.
I identify with the cleaning--my house has never been cleaner and I've gotten projects done I've been putting off for years! Do something nice for yourself today, whatever it might be.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
((((Hugs)))) PurpleDurple. There are a lot of "if only's" in life, aren't there? I don't have any sage words for you, just my sympathy on a tough day. You'll feel better again, but it seems like you have to wade thru this sorrow first.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 150
Oh hon.. Been there. Emotional pain stinks. I run to get rid of mine... If that doesn't work I pull out the heavy artillery.. I call my therapist and pay the $75. Worth every penny.
A while from now you will look back and feel differently, I did. It took a year but I was not married as long as you were.
You do whatever you gotta do to make yourself feel better tonight.
You are a very strong person... I can read it in every line of your posts.
L
A while from now you will look back and feel differently, I did. It took a year but I was not married as long as you were.
You do whatever you gotta do to make yourself feel better tonight.
You are a very strong person... I can read it in every line of your posts.
L
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 94
Oh Purple, feel for your situation. Tuesday was - or would have been - my 10th. It blindsided me, so I took the day off work, stayed in my pyjamas most of the day, watched '12 Years a Slave' on DVD, early night and next day ... brand new. Guess it's a milestone we deal with in our own ways. Heck - it always passed without ceremony in our house! So I'm comforting myself with the thought of 'what was' rather than 'what might have been'.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
I'm so sorry for your pain. It is hard not to romanticize the marriage when they are not there reminding and showing you why you got out to begin with. Music always helps me. I play whatever is happy and really loud to drown out the voices in my head that keep telling me I still love my AH. Sometimes it helps, sometimes I just need to feel sad and grieve for what could have been. You will get through this and be stronger for it. It is the adversity in life that makes us accomplish great things. Sending you big hugs!
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