bookmaven

I am both a recovering alcoholic and someone who is affected by another's alcoholism. Do we have our own forum? Q for the other DW's around here: do we need our own forum? I don't always feel safe sharing with people who are only on the FAF side. I don't feel that way about sharing with other RA's though.

Maybe since just yesterday I dipped my toe into Al-Anon for the first time ever I'm too new to this facet of my recovery to see the big picture? It took me umpteen times to "get" AA and on the road to recovery. I have also been attending CoDa, but I still feel like something is missing.

choublak

Why don't you feel "safe"?

isitme

I think I understand a little Bookmaven. I went at it in the reverse order. I came to FAF because I had so many A's in my life that I felt surely that was what had effected me the most. Until I realized I myself probably fit the same bill. Now I'm not quite sure where I belong. I almost feel a sense of guilt coming over to the FAF side because I can see some of myself in the hurts people are experiencing. And there does seem to be a different level of understanding from addict to addict. Because let's face it. Most addicts also know other addicts which in turn makes us all apart of the FAF section.

I feel like I'm rambling and not putting my thoughts together correctly. Does any of that make sense?

choublak

I'm not an addict, but I do have an addictive personality.

bookmaven

I feel like I'm overstepping a boundary, but I don't know what it is or if it is even real? Confused.

choublak

What, like you feel like you're "not one of them" in F&F?

bookmaven

No, more like I'm invading their safe place even though I'm qualified to be there too.

bookmaven

Yes you make sense to me! Perhaps I should have used the word "guilty" instead. I've been anesthetizing my emotions for 20+ years. Now that I'm sober and starting to think more clearly feelings are alien territory for me.

lillamy

I can't speak to whether there is a need for a DW forum -- but I can tell you that I would be over there reading as much as I do in the F&F forum.

You DWs are such an incredible wealth of information and have given me so much understanding of both sides of the alcoholic relationship dance, and I would be sad to see you leave to another forum because I think you DWs contribute immensely to the wisdom and knowledge here.

honeypig

Bookmaven, we do have a number of double winners here already, and it seems to me that they are often able to offer particular insights and wisdom by virtue of their being on "both sides of the fence", as it were. It seems to give the double winners a unique perspective that can be really invaluable when shared.

Speaking for myself, I'd welcome you to F&F and hope that you find the same help on this side of the street that you've hopefully already found on the A side of SR.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

HopefulinFLA

Personally, I really appreciate the As that come here and post as it's always great to hear their input and perspective. Very helpful.

Imho, you're not overstepping a boundary at all. We're ALL here to help each other.

As a double winner I think you could really benefit others as well as yourself.

bookmaven

Thanks guys! I had not looked at that way before.

<<big sigh of relief>>

Maybe IRL I need to do a little more Al-Anon "meeting shopping" just like I did with AA.

Much to my consternation eventually I found I get the most from an AA meeting that meets everyday at 6:00am! I'm a night owl, but still find myself waking up at 4:30-5:00am without an alarm. LoL. If anyone had told me 3 months ago I'd be a regular at a meeting that met before noon I'd have laughed them right out the door. There's a reason I love working 2nd shift, or thought I did anyway. It is becoming harder to balance my sleep schedule when I don't even get home from work until 11pm

I guess I'm getting OT here on my own thread lol.

Butterfly

There are many on the FAF who are RA as well as FAF of A's. For me personally I find their insight and support invaluable as they have been able to explain alcoholic thinking and have helped me develop insight into addiction and behaviour.

As FAF we are very hurt by the A's in our life but regardless of your history you are very welcome on this forum. I hope that you find the support and advise that you can receive here useful.

Take care

iSPAZ

We have several double winners in our Alanon group. They do not openly advertise the AA side but I do find that often they have more knowledge and can have a very different but healthy perspective. I am very thankful for them being in the group. I too like it when a recovering A comes here and gives insight. On of the most healing moments I have had in my healing process has been when a long time recovering alcoholic told me that it was not my fault (failure of my marriage and her drinking) and there was absolutely nothing I could do until she hit bottom or decides to want to get better. I go to open AA meetings on speaker night to try to understand the other side. I have the utmost respect for anyone trying to make their lives and the people around them better. I take what I like and leave the rest so chances of offending me is slim. I say post all you want. Someone will get something out of your story. Also I would absolutely recommend Group shopping. I have an Alanon group near to my house I attend when I am running late and can't make it to my home group about 15 miles away. The group by my house resembles an Oprah show or Doctor Phil show where one person (not the chair person) takes control of the meetings and begins to interview the others in the meetings. Often there is arguments and crosstalk. Lots of just plain B#tching. They seem to expect people to suddenly be real strong and place massive boundaries when they are beat down and defeated. It takes a lot of time for some to gain the strength and obtain the knowledge of what is really going on. I love my group.

StarCat

Speaking from my personal experience...

I didn't go when a member of Al-Anon told me that I needed it and that now-XABF was stringing me along. She sounded mean and angry, and I didn't want to be involved in anything like that!

I went into Al-Anon because a member of AA (who was friends with XABF) told me I needed to, that XABF would be better off if I let go and focused on myself and my own recovery, because that was the only way to get better. He told me this the day after he cornered XABF with several of his AA buddies and held an intervention, right in his office at work. I knew on some level that going into Al-Anon would help me! But I needed to know, from the alcoholic's perspective, that me going wouldn't hurt the alcoholic in my life, because according to what XABF told me, everything I did to take care of myself hurt him.


So don't be afraid to offer your own healthy perspective on things. You never know where it will be appreciated, and you never know when it will resonate with someone who needs that other side of the story.

NYCDoglvr

I'm also a recovering alcoholic and codependent. Personally I don't think we need another forum or thread -- most issues raised are about codependency and, where applicable, I add I'm a recovering alcoholic.

Hammer

naawww. Management here is plenty good at telling us (or at least me) to sit down and shut up, if needed.

So until then, I would not worry about it.

======

It is funny watching some of "you" come across the wall into Alanon. At least to me. My (just sarcasm joke) joke on that is the AA Sponsor gets tied of dealing with you, so the AA Sponsor sends the A over to get that A off their hands.

I do notice one big difference. [Successful] AA's are so taught to work on their own problems, so when they come over to Alanon, they tell "drunk-a-louge" type stories -- "I (this that and the other thing), but many Alanon's tend to say "My A (this, that, and the other thing). Just sort of amuses me to watch.

DesertEyes

No worries, bookmaven, double winners are welcome here. We have a lot of double winners... and triple winners .... and quad winners.

In my town we don't use the "double winners" term anymore. We just identify ourselves as "alphabet people" ( AA, Al-anon, OA-anon, ACA, etc. etc.)

Mike
Moderator, SR

Hawkeye13

Triple winner here--alcoholic, ACOA, spouse with alcohol issues (alphabet soup maybe? All my friends are drinkers too)

Honestly, I spend more time on Friends and Family than I do on the alcohol boards.

I've learned so much about where the core issues came from with my own alcohol use here.
I really "got" much of alcoholic programming from my alcoholic mother, though
it was me who put the bottle to my lips, so I'm not passing the buck here.

It is helpful to be able to offer perspective from both sides of the table.
I have gotten much more compassionate about what my husband went through
dealing with my drinking (and my mother's drinking as an in law) which has helped
me understand and deal with his alcohol abuse better.

This is a great place, and I have found it to be both safe and supportive.
Welcome.

bookmaven

Ha ha - alphabet people