TryingToLearn

I want to leave and I've been stuck and what is keeping me stuck are secrets. I absolutely cannot talk to AH. Have tried and he shuts me out or starts yelling or worse starts throwing things. I have given up talking a couple of years ago. Once and a while, I'll try to have a gentle conversation but doesn't work. Really most of what he does these days is have rages at anything and everything and I sit and listen. So I know I need to leave but it's money that's keeping me stuck. I think he's at the point where the alcohol has affected his judgment and he can't control his spending and he has little rational thought when it comes to spending. He spends money like water and I can't stop him and now we're in debt and I've just been keeping the payments going but he doesn't really know how bad it is. I have tried to tell him but unless you've lived with a man who absolutely won't have a conversation with you, you might not understand that I can't talk to him.

So how do I leave when I feel responsible for supporting him? I'm burdened with guilt yet it's not my spending. Can Al-Anon help me with this? A good therapist? I beat myself up every day and look for more work to make more money but as fast as I can bring it in he spends it and more.

I can't stress how much he is not available for a normal conversation. So I really want to leave but I stay because of this.

My attorney told me I'm not responsible for these debts and I understand that in my mind but another part of me feels I am.

FeelingGreat

I'm glad you're not responsible for the debts he's accumulating because it's only going to get worse. Where do you see your relationship going if you stay?
You ask how you can leave someone you're responsible for and all I can suggest is that you work very hard on not feeling responsible, because he's not your child, he's an adult. You've tried everything to get through to him, but he is pushing you away.
To start, is there any way you can isolate your earnings from him in a bank account he can't access? What would happen if you did this?

PippiLngstockng

I agree with FG. Separate your money today. The moment he senses you making plans to move forward with your life may well be the time he decides to do something worse. You don't really know someone until you try to get out of a relationship with them.

Ok. Then. I could definitely not have a discussion with xah about anything regarding money or our relationship/future without encountering a huge ugly scene in front of the children. So I know. You tip toe around the sleeping bear instead and hope your delicate footsteps don't wake him. The children, too.

No way to live.

It just gets worse, believe me.

Don't have a conversation. Imho you need to make a good plan and leave.

TryingToLearn

Thank you. It definitely has gotten worse and has left me feeling kind of hopeless.

FeelingGreat

Is he scaring you, or holding you back from leaving in any way?

9111111

Seeing money in my bank account made me dream again.

Not to sound like the wolf of wall street, but money gives you (back your) power

TryingToLearn

FeelingGreat, I can't talk to him about leaving. He's not rational any longer so I've been working with my attorney to make a plan to leave but I haven't taken the final step because I feel so obligated to his bills. I have separated my money but the bills keep coming in and he expects me to pay for them. Gee, what a sucker I am and have been. I keep beating myself up because I know what I need to do and keep holding myself back.

9111111

Just to clarify - does this mean it would only be ok for you to leave if he gave you his ok and promised you to work on his debt / keep his finances in check?

TryingToLearn

I'm thinking if I could just leave him with no debt I could leave with a clear conscience.

redatlanta

Curious, if you leave him with "no debt" then what will that do to you financially?

This to me is like a dog chasing his tail. You may leave him debt free and he will rack it right back up, so what's the point?

FeelingGreat

He's the one running up the debt. As long as you aren't obligated through joint debt, because you're married. Go as soon as you can please, and make sure any debts he incurs can't come back to you.

Just go - you'll never be able to look after him, and you shouldn't have to.

TryingToLearn

I'm already very strained financially and it would leave me beyond broke to pay his debt and I've had it paid down many times but he always runs it right back up so yes, you are all right and I really needed this help this morning.

choublak

Does your AH have a job?

FeelingGreat

Sometimes you have to run your ideas past people first to clarify your thoughts. You asked about Al-anon and therapy before, and I think either or both would be very beneficial for you after you leave, which I'm assuming will be pretty soon. Be careful won't you?

TryingToLearn

He works off and on. And I will be careful and thank you.

queenapple

Trying, what do you mean, secrets are keeping you stuck? Secrets other than the money thing? If so, I'm in sort of the same place you are.

TryingToLearn

Queenapple, for me it's just the money but if you want to share what you are going through I know we will all be here to support you. There are lots of secrets it seems when you live with an alcoholic and they can really weigh you down.

kudzujean

And this was a great suggestion:

littlesister1

He is a grown up
Treat him like one

Let him deal with HIS consequences

lovetohikect

Money and addicts, addicts and money, it's a twisted up mess and that's for sure.

This morning I had checked our online bank account, as I always do (with heart pounding, anybody else?) and noticed that our son hasn't stolen from us since Sunday. I was all happy about that, but also mentioned to my husband, gosh, so it's a big cause for happiness that we've had 4 days without theft? Who lives that way?

But as to your questions ... I think the other posters here have helped clarify things very well. You can see this is an ever-revolving door, with your husband getting and spending and drinking and then spending some more. It might be (hard to tell from here) that he knows you feel responsible and it's a way he's using to keep you close, or at least to keep you from walking out.

My only concern about the debt would be whether, in the event of a divorce, he claimed that he incurred this debt for items that benefited both of you. For instance, if he borrowed money for home improvements, even if that borrowing was in his sole name, half of that debt might be counted against your share of the house proceeds. But I'm assuming that the spending is either for toys, or for items that are for his sole benefit.

It also probably won't be too terribly long, once you stop paying the bills, that he winds up being cut off financially. Sure, he can run around from pillar to post, juggling and robbing Peter to pay Paul (and do make sure to take steps against his identity-thefting you) but these days, it's a lot harder to get away without paying indefinitely.

Take care!

Jane