Notices

Forgetting already...

Old 06-11-2014, 10:04 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 34
Forgetting already...

I am 3 days away from having 30 days under my belt. The problem is that I am forgetting that this was really a problem. It feels like maybe I just let it all get out of control and that I could drink socially, but just never allow myself to cross the line to drinking at home alone. I am trying to come here everyday to read reminders of where this kind of thinking can get me...but truthfully, I feel like I don't want to read reminders - I would like to not know. I am thinking more and more about drinking socially again.

I know that I had a problem and that is why I quit, but my brain (yes - my AV) is saying, if I have the ability/willpower/strength to quit altogether - wouldn't I have the ability/willpower/strength to only drink socially? To not ever again choose to have it in my house?
Achingforchange is offline  
Old 06-11-2014, 10:08 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,036
I confused abstinence for control more than onceachingforchange.

Every time I drank again, sooner or later, the same old things happened...

I had no more control, and usually far less, than I had before.

Learn from my mistakes - this thing is relentless and very patient

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 06-11-2014, 10:18 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Crazy Cat Lady
 
DisplacedGRITS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
I've found great freedom in acceptance. I accept who I am. I accept my relationship with alcohol. I can either enjoy my alcohol or control it. Never both. The only relationship with alcohol that I can live with is abstinence. Nothing less.

On the topic of social drinking...why? What would you get out of it? Don't you think that attempting to drink socially will distract you from, well, socializing? I know I'd become preoccupied with how much I'd drank, how much more I should drink, how much I want to drink, what people are thinking about my drinking...well, you get it.

So what about not drinking? Well, I may feel a little bit different. Like, what's so wrong with me that I'm not allowed to drink? Well...I'm an alcoholic. So, I can either accept that I suck at drinking or I can try to throw my willpower and sanity against what I know to be an immutable fact. I fought it for a long time. I accept it now. It's not defeat because I certainly haven't lost anything worth having. Instead, I've gained confidence, purpose and serenity.
DisplacedGRITS is offline  
Old 06-11-2014, 10:20 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Keeping it simple!
 
LadyinBC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
This post should be a big red flag for you. People who don't have a problem with alcohol don't obsess over trying to control it, how much to drink and where to drink it.

These feelings you are having are not uncommon when we reach a milestone.

Keep it simple at this point and try not to think too much about it, I know easy to say. These feelings will pass. One day at a time.
LadyinBC is offline  
Old 06-11-2014, 10:30 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by DisplacedGRITS View Post
On the topic of social drinking...why? What would you get out of it? Don't you think that attempting to drink socially will distract you from, well, socializing? I know I'd become preoccupied with how much I'd drank, how much more I should drink, how much I want to drink, what people are thinking about my drinking...well, you get it.
Displaced - I had to smile sadly at this one. So incredibly true You are right. When I was drinking socially, all I could think about is how to get my wine glass filled again without anyone knowing. I was rarely present with the people I was with - just waiting and looking for opportunity to fill up. These past few weeks, while I haven't had the capacity to stay at get togethers for very long - I can say that I have enjoyed the company I am with and have not been preoccupied (until a couple of hours go by and I wish I could drink with them, so I leave).

Thank you for such a good reminder. Why am I trying to talk myself back into the obsession?
Achingforchange is offline  
Old 06-11-2014, 10:36 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Keeping it simple!
 
LadyinBC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by Achingforchange View Post
Why am I trying to talk myself back into the obsession?
Because we are alcoholics. I do this from time to time myself, I find that the longer I am sober and the more I don't give in, it gets a little bit easier each time.

You can get thru this!
LadyinBC is offline  
Old 06-11-2014, 10:37 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 9
If you have to count your days being sober.......... i truly do believe that social drinking isnt an option. Whatever reason you decided to give up alcohol, think of it again and leave the booze alone. Its not worth your health, your family, your friends, or whatever else is important to you. Stay strong!
newlife88 is offline  
Old 06-11-2014, 11:10 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
carlingford's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Saudi Arabia
Posts: 476
Just not worth the pain Achingforchange, we all know what the outcome will be!! its the AV playing tricks at control again for you to use. I notice that you are 3 days away from 30 days, well done, for me the 30 day marks the return of symptoms for a day or so (from my previous detox) you never beat this demon only control it, don't feed the monster. Good Luck.
carlingford is offline  
Old 06-11-2014, 11:46 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Crazy Cat Lady
 
DisplacedGRITS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
It's okay, Aching. We all get those feelings. What helps me is to remember that I AM different! And that's fine. I'm finally okay with that. I'm different from many people in many ways. This is just one of them. It doesn't make us bad people or broken people. In fact, it means that we know that there's this one thing we just can't do and we're willing to find a way to live with it. Sobriety is a difficult decision. Alcoholism isn't a decision, despite what some may think. Sobriety though means that we acknowledge this illness we have and we have become willing to make a very difficult change. It's one of the most mature and humbling things a person can do. In many ways, it would be easy to just stick with drinking. We could let our lives be defined by our disease and by how it causes us to be perceived by people and just accept our "fate."

Instead, we stand up and decide to change. Not just putting the plug in the jug. We make fundamental changes in the way we act, think and live. We have become willing to turn our lives upside down and inside out. "Why?" many people ask. Why not just quit drinking and leave it at that? If it was that easy, none of us would be alcoholics. Normies don't usually understand how deep our disease goes. It's in our minds, our emotions and our bodies. It's EVERYWHERE! So that means we have to change EVERYTHING! This seems drastic to many who aren't aware of how alcoholism works. But we are brave (or really, desperate) and we change. Many of our loved ones are overjoyed because they see how we have suffered. But our drinking buddies, even our casual friends, are confused. It seems that we are overreacting and perhaps being melodramatic.

One of the hardest things is to stick to your sobriety when people around you don't understand what's going on. They think it's an issue of morality or self control. We just need to have enough willpower to drink like gentlemen/ladies. I laugh. Willpower? It takes a shitton of willpower to drink the way I did! No, it's not willpower. It's acceptance and it's honesty and it's the willingness to be unashamedly different.
DisplacedGRITS is offline  
Old 06-12-2014, 12:02 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Mentium's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: North of England
Posts: 1,442
There's a great metaphor in the AA Big Book about habitual Jay walkers. I hope people don't mind a longish quote but it is so fitting for those, like me who have relapsed habitually.

"Our behavior is as absurd and incomprehensible with respect to the first drink as that of an individual with a passion, say, for jay-walking. He gets a thrill out of skipping in front of fast-moving vehicles. He enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly warnings. Up to this point you would label him as a foolish chap having queer ideas of fun. Luck then deserts him and he is slightly injured several times in succession. You would expect him, if he were normal, to cut it out. Presently he is hit again and this time has a fractured skull. Within a week after leaving the hospital a fast-moving trolley car breaks his arm. He tells you he has decided to stop jay-walking for good, but in a few weeks he breaks both legs.
On through the years this conduct continues, accompanied by his continual promises to be careful or to keep off the streets altogether. Finally, he can no
longer work, his wife gets a divorce and he is held up to ridicule. He tries every known means to get the jaywalking idea out of his head. He shuts himself up in an asylum, hoping to mend his ways. But the day he
comes out he races in front of a fire engine, which breaks his back. Such a man would be crazy, wouldn’t he?

You may think our illustration is too ridiculous. But is it? We, who have been through the wringer, have to admit if we substituted alcoholism for jay-walking,the illustration would fit us exactly".
.
Mentium is offline  
Old 06-12-2014, 03:43 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Jupiters's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,449
I always liked that passage b/c it's so simple and true.


DisplacedGrits - bang on. Needed to read that this morning!!!!
Jupiters is offline  
Old 06-12-2014, 04:24 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
FreeOwl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I remember feeling that way too.... when I quite for about a month and a half one time.

Felt really good about it. Felt like things had been "reset". Went back to it and was pounding back even more within a month.

Felt that way also after nearly making it to six months. "ahh, I can do this..."

That was just prior to almost two years of out of control drinking and another DUI.

Now I'm creeping back up on 6 months again. I still sometimes have those feelings, those thoughts. I look back on my life and I take an honest look. Several decades of NOT being able to control this thing - at least not for long and certainly not with any enjoyment - is enough evidence for me.

Maybe looking back with brutal honesty on your life's journey with alcohol will help. Write it down. Start from the beginning. Write your stories. Don't gloss over the remorse, the regret, the pain, the disappointment, the physical impact, the emotional impact, the financial impact. Put it all down on paper. Just keep on writing until you can't scour out any more ugly details (because you just can't remember them. Because you were smashed).

Then read and re-read that every time you feel this way.

It's one thing to read others' stories and reminders... but it's our OWN stories that we must become fed up with in order to honor our choice of sobriety.

You can do this.

FreeOwl is offline  
Old 06-12-2014, 04:38 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Realising my life
 
HeadLump's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Dorset, England
Posts: 3,656
Originally Posted by Achingforchange View Post
Displaced - I had to smile sadly at this one. So incredibly true You are right. When I was drinking socially, all I could think about is how to get my wine glass filled again without anyone knowing. I was rarely present with the people I was with - just waiting and looking for opportunity to fill up. These past few weeks, while I haven't had the capacity to stay at get togethers for very long - I can say that I have enjoyed the company I am with and have not been preoccupied (until a couple of hours go by and I wish I could drink with them, so I leave).

Thank you for such a good reminder. Why am I trying to talk myself back into the obsession?
Such great responses and insights on this thread

For me, one of the most amazing things about sobriety is the freedom I feel. To be able to sit down with a soft drink and not have to worry about how slowly others are drinking, whose round it is next, how I can get more etc etc - and then realising that it's not about the company at all, it's only about the fix

Freedom from the hell of that is wonderful, but I know deep down, that even after all this time, I'm still only one drink away from it.

If you're already starting to obsess about drinking again, think how loud the clamour would be if you actually had one. Hold on tight, Aching. You're well on your way to experiencing life in ways you just cannot imagine
HeadLump is offline  
Old 06-12-2014, 04:40 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
bigsombrero's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Good topic.

I'm almost 2 years sober and have wrestled with this on some dark days. I even had a friend mention to me that perhaps I could try drinking again, if I really wanted to, as long as I didn't drink at home. He was trying to be nice - but unfortunately, he sparked up my AV.

But Like you, I know better.

Grits made some good points. First of all, we're obsessed with alcohol and "socializing" would quickly morph into "isolating" and sitting at home alone with a bottle. I also agree that acceptance is key. We have some dark times, but we have to brush them aside and move on. It's easy to think "I really wasn't that bad" or "I learned my lesson" or "It was just a 'rough patch'" - that's the lazy way out. Do your homework, and look at the situation with honesty, and you'll see that quitting was much needed.

I think one key is learning how to change your outlook on what "socializing" means. I never learned how to socialize as an adult - my entire social life between 18-37 revolved around drinking. I had no idea how to spend an afternoon with someone if it didn't involve beers/drinks. And it can be daunting. But you have to start trying - when you're ready, that is. Take your time and have patience with yourself, you're not going to become Robin Williams overnight.

Start by building some positive "sober memories". Take a trip to a museum or something. Go on a long walk. Do some little "events" that you enjoy, and do them sober. Little by little, you will start getting used to this.

The absolute WRONG way to socialize sober (in my opinion) would be to try and go to a bar and socialize, but not drink. This is not the kind of "socializing" we are aiming to master. It's all about a complete lifestyle change, and building a new foundation. All the best and good luck.
bigsombrero is offline  
Old 06-12-2014, 04:46 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
gardendiva's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 322
There are biological reasons why abstinence is possible and moderation is not. If interested, the book Under the Influence explains why. Bottom line, once alcohol is in your system it changes metabolism, cellular function, brain chemistry, and hormone regulation. Abstinence is like getting in the ring with one of your peers. Moderation is like getting in the
ring with Mike Tyson.
gardendiva is offline  
Old 06-12-2014, 07:43 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by DisplacedGRITS View Post
This seems drastic to many who aren't aware of how alcoholism works. But we are brave (or really, desperate) and we change. Many of our loved ones are overjoyed because they see how we have suffered but our drinking buddies, even our casual friends, are confused. It seems that we are overreacting and perhaps being melodramatic.

One of the hardest things is to stick to your sobriety when people around you don't understand what's going on. They think it's an issue of morality or self control. We just need to have enough willpower to drink like gentlemen/ladies.
Displaced - You hit the nail on the head again. I made the choice to not go into much detail with how I was behaving with alcohol to even my closest friends and I even left out quite a few details when "I shared everything" with my husband. It is harder when the people who love me didn't see how destructively I was behaving and how miserable I was. I was hiding so much of what I was doing. They would see me drink only 2 or 3 glasses of wine at a get together - but they didn't know that I would always make sure I drank a bottle of wine before I came to their house. So of course, they think it is a bit extreme for me to quit drinking.

This thread has reminded me of how it felt to be so deceptive. My whole life felt like a lie. If I could only just take away some gratitude that my bottom didn't have to involve the people i love most clearly seeing the degeneration...instead of using that fact as a reason to going back to drinking.
Achingforchange is offline  
Old 06-12-2014, 07:44 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
PurpleKnight's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
It can be a very deceptive mind process, we convince ourselves there wasn't really a problem and end up back where we started.

Whether reading old posts, or another way, reminding ourselves of where we have come from can keep us going forward in Sobriety!!
PurpleKnight is offline  
Old 06-12-2014, 07:50 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by Mentium View Post
There's a great metaphor in the AA Big Book about habitual Jay walkers. I hope people don't mind a longish quote but it is so fitting for those, like me who have relapsed habitually.

"Our behavior is as absurd and incomprehensible with respect to the first drink as that of an individual with a passion, say, for jay-walking. He gets a thrill out of skipping in front of fast-moving vehicles. He enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly warnings. Up to this point you would label him as a foolish chap having queer ideas of fun. Luck then deserts him and he is slightly injured several times in succession. You would expect him, if he were normal, to cut it out. Presently he is hit again and this time has a fractured skull. Within a week after leaving the hospital a fast-moving trolley car breaks his arm. He tells you he has decided to stop jay-walking for good, but in a few weeks he breaks both legs.
On through the years this conduct continues, accompanied by his continual promises to be careful or to keep off the streets altogether. Finally, he can no
longer work, his wife gets a divorce and he is held up to ridicule. He tries every known means to get the jaywalking idea out of his head. He shuts himself up in an asylum, hoping to mend his ways. But the day he
comes out he races in front of a fire engine, which breaks his back. Such a man would be crazy, wouldn’t he?

You may think our illustration is too ridiculous. But is it? We, who have been through the wringer, have to admit if we substituted alcoholism for jay-walking,the illustration would fit us exactly".
.
Oh Mentium - You have painted such a picture of the absurdity. Why am I trying to talk myself into risking myself and my family? I am not only choosing to jaywalk in front of the bus, if I were to start drinking socially again, but I know that I am effectively grabbing the hands of my 2 kiddos and my husband to take out in the front of the bus with me.

Yes, I might make it to the other side - but why on earth would I choose to walk out in front of the bus with everything I care about most in this world? Crazy. Thank you for the visual. I am grateful.
Achingforchange is offline  
Old 06-12-2014, 08:14 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by FreeOwl View Post
I remember feeling that way too.... when I quite for about a month and a half one time.

Felt really good about it. Felt like things had been "reset". Went back to it and was pounding back even more within a month.

Felt that way also after nearly making it to six months. "ahh, I can do this..."

That was just prior to almost two years of out of control drinking and another DUI.

Maybe looking back with brutal honesty on your life's journey with alcohol will help. Write it down. Start from the beginning. Write your stories. Don't gloss over the remorse, the regret, the pain, the disappointment, the physical impact, the emotional impact, the financial impact. Put it all down on paper. Just keep on writing until you can't scour out any more ugly details (because you just can't remember them. Because you were smashed).

Then read and re-read that every time you feel this way.

It's one thing to read others' stories and reminders... but it's our OWN stories that we must become fed up with in order to honor our choice of sobriety.

You can do this.

Freeowl - It really helped for me to see your journey. You worded it so perfectly, I have been believing the last week or so that I have been 'reset' and that perhaps I was a bit melodramatic in quitting alcohol FOREVER! The only thing that was dramatic was my behavior in how I abused alcohol.

I am going to take your suggestion and write down the brutal truth. I think reading and reliving it all in black and white would not allow me to believe that I could go back to social drinking. In fact, I may even post my writing here, so that I have a community around me to lovingly remind me when I ask questions like this again.

Thanks again, Freeowl. You have given me some very difficult homework. I am wincing at the truth already.
Achingforchange is offline  
Old 06-12-2014, 08:20 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by HeadLump View Post
For me, one of the most amazing things about sobriety is the freedom I feel. To be able to sit down with a soft drink and not have to worry about how slowly others are drinking, whose round it is next, how I can get more etc etc - and then realising that it's not about the company at all, it's only about the fix

If you're already starting to obsess about drinking again, think how loud the clamour would be if you actually had one. Hold on tight, Aching. You're well on your way to experiencing life in ways you just cannot imagine
Headlump - Craving freedom. You are so right. There is freedom in not having to DECIDE every single day what my drinking would look like - I could just enjoy the event I am at for the people that are there...not for the drink that I could get. I do NOT crave the clamor and the obsession to come back.
It was just so noisy in my head a month ago. It has been more peaceful since I decided to stop. Not peace, mind you. But more peaceful than before. Holding on tight. This will pass. Thank you for the reminder.
Achingforchange is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:10 AM.