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new member- help please!

Old 06-11-2014, 04:51 PM
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new member- help please!

hi all. i have been looking at posts on sober recovery through the past 9 months of a relationship with an active alcoholic. i am a recovering addict myself, 14 years clean and sober, but i am still attracted to alcoholics and addicts. i thought i had improved in this area until this last relationship i got into. i was in a very bad place when i got into it. my 11 year old daughters dad had died a year and a half before and while we were not together he was a good friend and a great support. just after that i fell out with my sister (also a recovering addict and up until then my best friend), and just as i was meeting the alcoholic my mum was diagnosed with cancer.

i knew i shouldn't be getting into a relationship with an active alcoholic but i felt i needed someone so much at that time. also i was already in al-anon and thought i might be able to make it work if i used the programme tools. i didn't know at first quite how much he drinks- it can be up to 2 bottles of vodka a day when he is bingeing, binges can last every day for a couple of weeks, then he might go off it for a week or two. he is like 3 different people, there's him sober, then the happy drunk, then the nasty drunk.

and he has been nasty at times. he has, when drunk constantly gone on about how attractive other women are and threatened to go back to his exes if i mention a male friend. he has been, again while drunk very jealous and suspicious even when i'm going to my meetings. i don't try to arouse jealousy and am a very loyal person. he has called me names, stopped me leaving his house and my own car when i didn't want to get into an argument with him. i have several times tried to leave the relationship because i know it's unhealthy for me but then he comes around all nice and sorry and i've given in every time.

three weeks ago we had an incident which involved all of the above behaviours and i made up my mind i'd had enough (again!). he kept trying to contact me, saying sorry etc. i knew he was still drinking and i told him i would talk to him when he sobered up. he sobered up maybe 10 days ago and i didn't hear anything until he called my son over to his house today and gave him some of my stuff to take up to me. i got annoyed that he hadn't tried to talk to me sober and i called to his house and asked him were we not even going to have a conversation. why is it so hard to let go? i kept hoping he would sort himself out and we could have a proper relationship!

he told me i'd had 3 weeks to have a conversation and i hadn't called down. i said he hadn't told me he was sober or asked me to have a conversation. he told me he wasn't sobering up for anyone, he does his own thing and we are better off just being friends as we keep niggling at each other. i said ok. and came home and fell apart. why? i don't even want it the way it was and yet i was devastated that he doesn't want it either. can anyone else identify wit this or shed any light? it's all made harder by the fact that he lives very near me and i see him often in passing. if you have read all of this i want to thank you, i know it's quite long. and i would appreciate any feedback given, thanks.
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Old 06-11-2014, 05:10 PM
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I personally think reading the thread "to be loved" might help you.
There is awesome content in there that I feel might be relevant.

I think maybe you are addicted to be loved ?

Just saying ;-)

Take care and be kind to yourself.
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Old 06-11-2014, 05:49 PM
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Welcome sorcharune. It sounds like you found out the hard way what you feared in the first sentence of your post. Just like we alcoholics can deny all day long that we have a problem, we can ignore others problems or somehow think we can magically cure them. I find myself sometimes even here on SR becoming overconfident or that I know better than someone else how they should go about fixing their problem, but usually i can stop myself before I get in to deep. I hope you can move on and find someone who is worthy of your love an attention, because you deserve it.
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Old 06-11-2014, 06:11 PM
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"why? i don't even want it the way it was and yet i was devastated that he doesn't want it either."

I have been here and I think it is fear combined with a need to be loved. No one wants to be the one to pull the trigger and end a relationship that isn't working. Or at least I wasn't. I would put up with it and put up with it and put up with it, knowing it wasn't working. Knowing I didn't want it to work but was afraid to let go because maybe I was making a mistake? Maybe I would never find anyone again so settled on being miserable in a relationship. And then was devastated when THEY broke it off. Hurt pride. Loss of control that I wasn't the one leaving on my own terms but was rejected by the person I had already rejected in my head.

For me it came to the point where I learned and accepted that it is okay to not be in a relationship. I learned that it is okay to be the person who doesn't end the relationship. It hurts. It hurts a lot but it is okay. Be kind to yourself. You are having a tough time and had a lot going on with a lot of stress. Sometimes I think we hold onto the hurt of a lost relationship to make the other hurts seem more manageable, if that makes sense? Hang in there.
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Old 06-11-2014, 06:26 PM
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He sounds as if he is also addicted to controling you. Maybe also a bit of a Narcissist. I live with a Narcissist and he has some of the same qualities you described in your partner.

As far as him going back to the exes...would they even want him?
My dh used to pull that same stuff on me. He literally tried to break down my self esteem and confidence. I fell for it for a time. Now that I have regained it back, I tell him that he is more than welcome to go to anybody that would have him. Let them deal with the misery. It would be doing me a favor.
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Old 06-12-2014, 06:06 AM
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thank you thepatman i will have a look at that...yes a desire to be loved!
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Old 06-12-2014, 06:09 AM
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scottfromwi thank you for welcome and response.
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Old 06-12-2014, 06:11 AM
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why? maybe because loss is hard. and sad.

but from what you describe I think he's right whether he was being sincere or not; you are better off not being together.

Even if he is 'sober' for now.... you know from your own experience that recovery from addiction is a long and trying path. Given the history, it sure seems to me from what you describe that you taking time to just focus on YOU and not remain tied up in an unhealthy co-dependent relationship would be in your best interest.
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Old 06-12-2014, 06:17 AM
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ruby2 i agree with what you said and as well of course there were very nice things about him too. extremes. and i wanted to be able to keep the good bits and not the abuse. and i kept hoping he would get sober. i have spent long periods alone in sobriety and done a lot of work on myself and it makes it harder to accept that i'm back in this kind of relationship again. autumn2 i would love to know, how did you get your confidence and self esteem back?
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Old 06-12-2014, 06:28 AM
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freeowl yes it's hard and by sober i mean not drinking this week with no real interest in recovery. and i know what you say is true, i need to focus on me and getting myself to a better place, thank you for your response.
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Old 06-12-2014, 07:19 AM
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OP, In regaining my confidence back, I just realized that I deserved better. I also emotionally took a step back and quit consuming myself with what he thinks. Who cares what he thinks,he should worry about what I think. I also quit chasing after him. If a guy knows he can have you anytime he wants, that is a turn off. Let him chase you.
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