After Relapse
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
After Relapse
Having a helluva time. Coming back after relapse is difficult. I have put together 2 previous good sobriety's. Once in 2006/07 when I first joined SR (and AA) and then again last year.
Last year I was out there long enough to hate it...for sobriety to be fresh and hopeful and new. It was this great big positive project.
I find myself leaning on some sort of stale sobriety of last year. I find myself trying to support others here and it's like some sort of "stale sobriety" answer just rolls out of my mouth. Those answers were real to me last year and now they feel like posturing.
I think I was sober long enough last time that I was able to put together some sense and self esteem. Perhaps this time I am impatient in process. I'm not even two weeks sober and it's tough.
I went back and looked at old threads I started in the beginning to remind myself this isn't some great big happy cakewalk.
It's hard and the beginning is probably the hardest.
I want a month under my belt.
I want three months under my belt.
I want this crazy new sobriety to feel more...uplifting and hopeful.
Maybe it's better without the pink cloud...I dunno.
All I do know is I have to find some authentic place in THIS sobriety...even if that authenticity is not happy, hopeful and wise.
At the very least...it has to be REAL.
Today I feel like I just have to put something out there...something new...something honest.
I'm struggling...and maybe that's just where I am and I just have to get through that.
Last year I was out there long enough to hate it...for sobriety to be fresh and hopeful and new. It was this great big positive project.
I find myself leaning on some sort of stale sobriety of last year. I find myself trying to support others here and it's like some sort of "stale sobriety" answer just rolls out of my mouth. Those answers were real to me last year and now they feel like posturing.
I think I was sober long enough last time that I was able to put together some sense and self esteem. Perhaps this time I am impatient in process. I'm not even two weeks sober and it's tough.
I went back and looked at old threads I started in the beginning to remind myself this isn't some great big happy cakewalk.
It's hard and the beginning is probably the hardest.
I want a month under my belt.
I want three months under my belt.
I want this crazy new sobriety to feel more...uplifting and hopeful.
Maybe it's better without the pink cloud...I dunno.
All I do know is I have to find some authentic place in THIS sobriety...even if that authenticity is not happy, hopeful and wise.
At the very least...it has to be REAL.
Today I feel like I just have to put something out there...something new...something honest.
I'm struggling...and maybe that's just where I am and I just have to get through that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,844
Hi Nuudawn - I have been reading your posts and they don't sound stale at all; they sound wise, genuine and caring.
I have never had relapse from sustained sobriety but I did have at least a thousand Day 1s and each Day 1 that was blown made the next Day 1 more difficult. I have read from other posters that each relapse makes it more difficult to recover; I believe that. Two weeks is early yet.
Be kind and gentle with yourself; it will get better.
Glad you came back to SR; keep posting.
I have never had relapse from sustained sobriety but I did have at least a thousand Day 1s and each Day 1 that was blown made the next Day 1 more difficult. I have read from other posters that each relapse makes it more difficult to recover; I believe that. Two weeks is early yet.
Be kind and gentle with yourself; it will get better.
Glad you came back to SR; keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,443
Hi Nuudawn,
I have no specific advice for you.
All I can say is that for me it was a lot of trudging along for many, many months and blah, blah, blah and don’t drink today. I just got through life. I was happy about making 30, then 60, then 90 days. Then six months. Then a year. Each day was mostly trudging and not drinking. Along the way the days got less bleak and the little things in life started to mean more.
I know it is lame to say, ‘It will eventually get better!’
But that is all I got.
It did get better for me. Eventually.
It will get better if you hang in there.
I have no specific advice for you.
All I can say is that for me it was a lot of trudging along for many, many months and blah, blah, blah and don’t drink today. I just got through life. I was happy about making 30, then 60, then 90 days. Then six months. Then a year. Each day was mostly trudging and not drinking. Along the way the days got less bleak and the little things in life started to mean more.
I know it is lame to say, ‘It will eventually get better!’
But that is all I got.
It did get better for me. Eventually.
It will get better if you hang in there.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
I think you are doing fantastic at 2 weeks Dawn. I was still a basketcase at 2 weeks! I honestly still have moments even after almost a year and a half where I feel blah. My saving grace is that I remind myself how absolutely miserable I was the last few months of my last drinking era. Even the worst of days sober is heads and shoulders above that period of my life.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 465
<3
I remember you from last year, Nu. I hope you don't mind me saying that you were one of the people who really inspired me with what you had to say about sobriety, especially in it's early stages. I can appreciate where you're coming from today, and just wanted to offery support
I remember you from last year, Nu. I hope you don't mind me saying that you were one of the people who really inspired me with what you had to say about sobriety, especially in it's early stages. I can appreciate where you're coming from today, and just wanted to offery support
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by Alphabet 
<3
I remember you from last year, Nu. I hope you don't mind me saying that you were one of the people who really inspired me with what you had to say about sobriety, especially in it's early stages. I can appreciate where you're coming from today, and just wanted to offery support
I remember you from last year, Nu. I hope you don't mind me saying that you were one of the people who really inspired me with what you had to say about sobriety, especially in it's early stages. I can appreciate where you're coming from today, and just wanted to offery support
I was working so hard at sobriety..reading everything I could get my hands on. I think I'm probably just "ahead of myself" somehow...
I think I'm mad at my relapse ...bitter that I can't just superimpose myself into the place I was then and keep going.
But I can't.
I gotta start over...not quite so fresh....everything not so novel and new.
Geez.....
Maybe I have superimposed myself right back where I was. LOL...
I relapsed then didn't I?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
This is something that "fini" posted in a thread I started in last sobriety..
I have highlighted the portions in "protracted abstinence" ...it where I relapsed.
Gosh..protracted abstinence looks and awful like ..brand new sobriety.
"stages" of recovery
this is from a handout i got years ago. don't know who the author is, so no-one gets the credit, but do know many have said it's been of help to them.
if it's not appropriate here, maybe a moderator can put it where it fits better.
withdrawal stage(1 to 2 weeks): people who drank alcohol in large amounts may have severe withdrawal symptoms. these may include nausea,low energy, anxiety, shakiness, depression, intense emotions, insomnia, irritability, difficulty concentrating and memory problems. these symptoms typically last 3 to 5 days, but can last up to several weeks.
early abstinence (4 weeks; follows withdrawal): for people who used alcohol, this period is marked most by the brain's recovery. although the physical withdrawal symptoms have ended, the client's brain is still getting used to the absence of the substance. thinking may be unclear, concentration may be poor, nervousness and anxiety may be troubling, sleep is often irregular, and, in many ways, life feels too intense.
protracted abstinence (2 to 5 months; follows early abstinence): from six weeks to five months after clients stop using, they may experience a variety of annoying and troublesome symptoms. these symptoms -difficulties with thoughts and feelings- are caused buy the continual healing process in the brain. this period is called 'The Wall'. it is important for clients to be aware that some of the feelings during this period are the result of changes in brain chemistry. if clients remain abstinent, the feelings will pass. the most common symptoms are depression, irritability, difficulty concentrating, low energy and a general lack of enthusiasm. clients also may experience strong cravings during protracted abstinence. relapse risk goes up during this period. it is helpful to stay focused on staying abstinent one day at a time. exercise helps tremendously during this period. for most clients, completing this phase in recovery is a major achievement.
readjustment (2 months; follows protracted abstinence):after five months, the brain has recovered substantially. now the client's main task is developing a life that has fulfilling activities that support continued recovery. because cravings occur less often and feel less intense, clients may be less aware of relapse risk and put themselves in high-risk situations and increase their relapse risk.
avoiding relapse drift: relapse does not happen without warning, and it usually does not happen quickly. the gradual movement from abstinence to relapse can be subtle and often underestimated. so it often feels as if it happens suddenly. this slow movement away from abstinence can be compared to a ship gradually drifting away from where it was moored. the drifting movement can be so slow that you don't even notice it.
during recovery, people do specific things that keep them abstinent. these activities can be called "mooring lines". try and see what you are doing to keep yourself abstinent. list the mooring lines in a specific way so they are clear and measurable. these activities are the "ropes" that hold recovery in place and prevent relapse drift from happening without being noticed......
(.....here follows a chart of a column to list all specific mooring lines( for example going to gym, reading sobriety stuff, recreational activities, peer support activities et cetera) followed by columns for the days of the week. i don't know how to do charts on the computer, so use your imagination)
I have highlighted the portions in "protracted abstinence" ...it where I relapsed.
Gosh..protracted abstinence looks and awful like ..brand new sobriety.
"stages" of recovery
this is from a handout i got years ago. don't know who the author is, so no-one gets the credit, but do know many have said it's been of help to them.
if it's not appropriate here, maybe a moderator can put it where it fits better.
withdrawal stage(1 to 2 weeks): people who drank alcohol in large amounts may have severe withdrawal symptoms. these may include nausea,low energy, anxiety, shakiness, depression, intense emotions, insomnia, irritability, difficulty concentrating and memory problems. these symptoms typically last 3 to 5 days, but can last up to several weeks.
early abstinence (4 weeks; follows withdrawal): for people who used alcohol, this period is marked most by the brain's recovery. although the physical withdrawal symptoms have ended, the client's brain is still getting used to the absence of the substance. thinking may be unclear, concentration may be poor, nervousness and anxiety may be troubling, sleep is often irregular, and, in many ways, life feels too intense.
protracted abstinence (2 to 5 months; follows early abstinence): from six weeks to five months after clients stop using, they may experience a variety of annoying and troublesome symptoms. these symptoms -difficulties with thoughts and feelings- are caused buy the continual healing process in the brain. this period is called 'The Wall'. it is important for clients to be aware that some of the feelings during this period are the result of changes in brain chemistry. if clients remain abstinent, the feelings will pass. the most common symptoms are depression, irritability, difficulty concentrating, low energy and a general lack of enthusiasm. clients also may experience strong cravings during protracted abstinence. relapse risk goes up during this period. it is helpful to stay focused on staying abstinent one day at a time. exercise helps tremendously during this period. for most clients, completing this phase in recovery is a major achievement.
readjustment (2 months; follows protracted abstinence):after five months, the brain has recovered substantially. now the client's main task is developing a life that has fulfilling activities that support continued recovery. because cravings occur less often and feel less intense, clients may be less aware of relapse risk and put themselves in high-risk situations and increase their relapse risk.
avoiding relapse drift: relapse does not happen without warning, and it usually does not happen quickly. the gradual movement from abstinence to relapse can be subtle and often underestimated. so it often feels as if it happens suddenly. this slow movement away from abstinence can be compared to a ship gradually drifting away from where it was moored. the drifting movement can be so slow that you don't even notice it.
during recovery, people do specific things that keep them abstinent. these activities can be called "mooring lines". try and see what you are doing to keep yourself abstinent. list the mooring lines in a specific way so they are clear and measurable. these activities are the "ropes" that hold recovery in place and prevent relapse drift from happening without being noticed......
(.....here follows a chart of a column to list all specific mooring lines( for example going to gym, reading sobriety stuff, recreational activities, peer support activities et cetera) followed by columns for the days of the week. i don't know how to do charts on the computer, so use your imagination)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Ireland.
Posts: 238
Hey nuu,
Just popping by to say how much I enjoy reading your "from the heart" posts, like many others have said they really inspire me. I've had my own share of relapses as you know & am only really shaking off the dirt on my boots from the last one, but with that said I'm inclined to view it more like what I'm moving towards now in my life as opposed to what I'm moving away from. Lessons can be learned from mistakes made & that's sometimes hard to swallow,, but brighter days await us and there's no doubting that.
Just popping by to say how much I enjoy reading your "from the heart" posts, like many others have said they really inspire me. I've had my own share of relapses as you know & am only really shaking off the dirt on my boots from the last one, but with that said I'm inclined to view it more like what I'm moving towards now in my life as opposed to what I'm moving away from. Lessons can be learned from mistakes made & that's sometimes hard to swallow,, but brighter days await us and there's no doubting that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
YOU are always inspiring in your posts even if they feel robotic to you.
I sense that the feeling of remorse about your relapse is grinding at your confidence. History doesn't and won't be repeated my friend.
Easy to say, but try to leave the past behind as much as possible.
Stay in the now moment. Not sure I can put this here, Dee can remove it if inappropriate. But it has inspired me.
QUESTION (45): Kryon, I read your answer on addiction. I’ve known for years that I’m a highly evolved spirit, but cannot go to the next level. Fear has me crippled. How can I move to the next level?
ANSWER: Fear will cripple, paralyze, and keep you from even understanding this answer. It’s that potent! You’re poised on a revelation. But before you can understand any of this, you must create self-worth in yourself, and also speak to the child within (this was you, before you had the addition of the things that currently are feared). We’ve given the methods for this.*
And yes, you’re not only highly evolved, but very ready to get rid of this attribute. We stand beside you and will support you when you begin.
*See Kryon channelling on Self-Worth [http://www.kryon.com/k_chaneldelmar03.html]
I sense that the feeling of remorse about your relapse is grinding at your confidence. History doesn't and won't be repeated my friend.
Easy to say, but try to leave the past behind as much as possible.
Stay in the now moment. Not sure I can put this here, Dee can remove it if inappropriate. But it has inspired me.
QUESTION (45): Kryon, I read your answer on addiction. I’ve known for years that I’m a highly evolved spirit, but cannot go to the next level. Fear has me crippled. How can I move to the next level?
ANSWER: Fear will cripple, paralyze, and keep you from even understanding this answer. It’s that potent! You’re poised on a revelation. But before you can understand any of this, you must create self-worth in yourself, and also speak to the child within (this was you, before you had the addition of the things that currently are feared). We’ve given the methods for this.*
And yes, you’re not only highly evolved, but very ready to get rid of this attribute. We stand beside you and will support you when you begin.
*See Kryon channelling on Self-Worth [http://www.kryon.com/k_chaneldelmar03.html]
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 245
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
I think you are doing fantastic at 2 weeks Dawn. I was still a basketcase at 2 weeks! I honestly still have moments even after almost a year and a half where I feel blah. My saving grace is that I remind myself how absolutely miserable I was the last few months of my last drinking era. Even the worst of days sober is heads and shoulders above that period of my life.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Originally Posted by Nuudawn
Having a helluva time. Coming back after relapse is difficult. I have put together 2 previous good sobriety's. Once in 2006/07 when I first joined SR (and AA) and then again last year.
Last year I was out there long enough to hate it...for sobriety to be fresh and hopeful and new. It was this great big positive project.
I find myself leaning on some sort of stale sobriety of last year. I find myself trying to support others here and it's like some sort of "stale sobriety" answer just rolls out of my mouth. Those answers were real to me last year and now they feel like posturing.
I think I was sober long enough last time that I was able to put together some sense and self esteem. Perhaps this time I am impatient in process. I'm not even two weeks sober and it's tough.
I went back and looked at old threads I started in the beginning to remind myself this isn't some great big happy cakewalk.
It's hard and the beginning is probably the hardest.
I want a month under my belt.
I want three months under my belt.
I want this crazy new sobriety to feel more...uplifting and hopeful.
Maybe it's better without the pink cloud...I dunno.
All I do know is I have to find some authentic place in THIS sobriety...even if that authenticity is not happy, hopeful and wise.
At the very least...it has to be REAL.
Today I feel like I just have to put something out there...something new...something honest.
I'm struggling...and maybe that's just where I am and I just have to get through that.
Last year I was out there long enough to hate it...for sobriety to be fresh and hopeful and new. It was this great big positive project.
I find myself leaning on some sort of stale sobriety of last year. I find myself trying to support others here and it's like some sort of "stale sobriety" answer just rolls out of my mouth. Those answers were real to me last year and now they feel like posturing.
I think I was sober long enough last time that I was able to put together some sense and self esteem. Perhaps this time I am impatient in process. I'm not even two weeks sober and it's tough.
I went back and looked at old threads I started in the beginning to remind myself this isn't some great big happy cakewalk.
It's hard and the beginning is probably the hardest.
I want a month under my belt.
I want three months under my belt.
I want this crazy new sobriety to feel more...uplifting and hopeful.
Maybe it's better without the pink cloud...I dunno.
All I do know is I have to find some authentic place in THIS sobriety...even if that authenticity is not happy, hopeful and wise.
At the very least...it has to be REAL.
Today I feel like I just have to put something out there...something new...something honest.
I'm struggling...and maybe that's just where I am and I just have to get through that.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
i want to thank you nu for showing me how lucky i am as i dont think i would ever have another recovery in me again
the early years are the hardest it gets as everything is new, just when you think your getting it along comes somthing that drags you back down again and it always looks like its going to be such a dam chore to stay sober and hard work and even boring
all i did was attend meetings and moan my head off i kept going back as i really honeslty didnt want to drink again but i was so unhappy
all those meetings i attended finaly paid off as things did start to sink in, i got a sponsor and worked the steps
i should be happy i am sober and have a dry bed and clean clothes and i can brush my teeth
i am happy about those things now but i wasnt in early years as i always wanted something exciting in my life to be happening as thats what i thought life was like
always on a high followed by a huge low mood swings etc
it 10 years now for me and i would hate to go back to those early years i know just how hard it is but sadly we will all have to do it if we to want to be 10 or 20 years sober we just have to keep on plodding on, our outlook will change on everything and we will start to value what matters
but it takes time and lots of it and experience and with the help of a good sponsor so long as you use him or her it can be a much quicker process
the more you put into it the more benefit you will gain.
keep on drinking well you dont need me to preach about the drink side of things
the early years are the hardest it gets as everything is new, just when you think your getting it along comes somthing that drags you back down again and it always looks like its going to be such a dam chore to stay sober and hard work and even boring
all i did was attend meetings and moan my head off i kept going back as i really honeslty didnt want to drink again but i was so unhappy
all those meetings i attended finaly paid off as things did start to sink in, i got a sponsor and worked the steps
i should be happy i am sober and have a dry bed and clean clothes and i can brush my teeth
i am happy about those things now but i wasnt in early years as i always wanted something exciting in my life to be happening as thats what i thought life was like
always on a high followed by a huge low mood swings etc
it 10 years now for me and i would hate to go back to those early years i know just how hard it is but sadly we will all have to do it if we to want to be 10 or 20 years sober we just have to keep on plodding on, our outlook will change on everything and we will start to value what matters
but it takes time and lots of it and experience and with the help of a good sponsor so long as you use him or her it can be a much quicker process
the more you put into it the more benefit you will gain.
keep on drinking well you dont need me to preach about the drink side of things
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