FeenixxRising

Last night, right before I fell asleep, I had this overwhelming thought (almost a certainty) that I would drink again. Of course, I recognized it for what it was, the AV coming from the Beast. But this was an intense episode, and almost terrifying, to the point that I could feel my heart rate surge. This time it was thoughts, feelings and raw emotions all mixed together.

Now, I immediately recognized it as the AV, and once recognized, I repeated my Final Decision (I prefer that phrase over Big Plan), "I will never drink again, and I will never change my mind, no matter what", and all was good. The whole episode lasted maybe 30 seconds, but in the past, I've had these types of intense feelings about taking a drink, and they have usually led me back to drinking--as if it became a self-fulfilling prophecy--but that was before I really understood and effectively began to use AVRT.

To come to some sort of point here, I suppose I still have some lingering concerns about this. And because in the past, this type of specific thought usually signaled I would somehow sabotage myself and end up drinking, I feel I'm at some sort of crucial moment here. And I want to make sure I'm recognizing the AV in all it's forms.

FT

Yes, my guess is you experienced a little bit of a beast panic attack. The first stage of sleep where you are still conscious are a vulnerable period, perfect for the AV to show up.

You did the right thing, and you are spot on with your identification the AV for what it is.

robgt350

yea i had a few like that. they scared me but at the same time made me think i cannot return to drinking or my drams will come true

freshstart57

Feenix, I think that those of us who use the term 'av' understand that it refers to thoughts, or dreams, of drinking again. That's pretty clear.

But it also refers to self doubt, worry, or lack of confidence. Your 'lingering concerns' about a drinking dream could also be AV. As some of our AVRT advisors say, set your confidence level at 100%. No dream can magically force you to do something you choose not to do.

FeenixxRising

You're correct, those lingering concerns and lack of confidence are most certainly coming from the Beast. I'm relatively new to AVRT and while I easily recognize the more prominent chatter of the Beast, it's the more subtle thoughts and feelings I have to be aware of and recognize as the AV. It's getting easier as I use the technique, but even though I recognized what was happening, last night's episode still took me a little by surprise.

But the reality is the incident lasted only seconds, and I chalk that up to AVRT.

Received

I've recently had several less than ideal (meaning scary as hell) life situations present themselves into my life...one on top of the other. I have found myself experiencing a lot is self doubt and anxiety as a result. That self doubt an be a breeding ground for beast activity.

Like fresh start posted, I have to set my self confidence at 100%. it's not easy to do when I feel like I'm being attacked 7 ways to Sunday but in reality it has nothing to do with drinking.it does have to do with feelings I would have when I was drinking, so I find it very important for me to be very mindful right now, stay in close touch with my therapist, and work through these problems like a warrior.

I don't know if that helps any Phoenix but it's currently what I'm being challenged with.

I have to be mindful not associate the feelings I'm having with drinking because it really is just life crap and has nothing to do with drinking.

(I'm using my cell phone so I apologize for the errors)

MythOfSisyphus

I think that's normal, FeenixxRising. The Beast voice, growing frustrated with trying to convince your higher self when you're alert and focused, will sometimes try to whisper in your ear when it thinks you're vulnerable. You know you're gonna drink again eventually it whispers. No, Beast- I will not. Get used to it. That is my answer. I do get that sneak attack from the AV but by now I know that if the Beast truly had any power over me it would have used it already in the last 20 months that I've had it locked up in its cage.

Artful

Yes the beast is a low down dirty ....
Doesn't sleep either .
But we have to.
It's our fight for a life with self respect and a sense of peace and control.
The beast voice pops up in times of stress and depression I think cause we are humans used to using in order to feel control. In fact the beast -our addictions -really controls our lives we just don't know to what degree when we are loaded all the time. This week has been full of loss and I find myself using after 2 years of mostly clean time.
But it doesn't matter I never thought I would have been able to do
the clean time when i started-and even though I used -I have insights I never would have had had I not sobered up in the first place.
I know I can live a healthier smarter more mindful and rich life cause Ive done it.
It starts with recognizing the beast as an enemy to be defeated and just not giving up.
I'm not giving up and neither should any of you.
Thank you to all the people who have helped and inspired me on this site.
Respect
Artful

trachemys

I believe the proper response to your AV is:

"Go ahead, get up and have a drink."

soberlicious

Oh yeah, it's fascinating really, the physical responses we can have just from thoughts.

But I was thinking along the lines of what trachemys said. Yes, it can be very frightening to feel like a hijack is coming, almost an impending doom. But no fear! You are the one with the hands! Once again the beast is shiit out of luck.

Boudicca

[QUOTE=MythOfSisyphus;4711612]I think that's normal, FeenixxRising. The Beast voice, growing frustrated with trying to convince your higher self when you're alert and focused, will sometimes try to whisper in your ear when it thinks you're vulnerable. You know you're gonna drink again eventually it whispers. No, Beast- I will not. Get used to it. That is my answer. I do get that sneak attack from the AV but by now I know that if the Beast truly had any power over me it would have used it already in the last 20 months that I've had it locked up in its cage.[/QUOTE

So true. I made my Final Decision recently and have been incredibly surprised at the AV and its tactics.

I use warfare in thinking about this in my own mind. The AV likes to practice guerilla warfare. It knows I have superior numbers, firepower and strategy. It knows it isn't going to win.....it just wants to inflict as much damage as possible because it hopes I'll just give up and give in to what it wants. It hides in the shadows and strikes at my weakest point then scurries back into its little cave like the #@%^ it is!

This analysis has been very helpful when the surprise attacks occur. I just unload some bunker busting bombs on it and it goes away.

It's crafty, smart, tenacious and it knows my fears. It exploits all of this ruthlessly.

soberlicious

Feenixx, p. 156 of RR the new cure talks about vertigo (a strong beast attack). Do you have the book?

Nonsensical

So you're in the reptile house at the zoo, looking at the snakes in their glass enclosures. Suddenly the snake you're near lunges at you, bouncing off the glass right in front of your face.

Did you have a moment of fright? jump back a step? heart rate and respiration up a notch?

Probably.

20 seconds later do you have lingering concerns about the snake?

Not if you're rational.

soberlicious

I love this! Great analogy! What's really cool too is that if I had a need to train my body and mind not to have a visceral response to the snake lunging toward me from behind the glass...I could. Over time and with consistent practice, I could override any type of reaction and know on every level that the glass is there.

freshstart57

dwtbd

Soberlicious
hmm i dont know, that guy jumped like everytime, maybe the theory is blown
there he goes again the 200th time!

FeenixxRising

Yes, I now have the book; however, I did not have it when I posted about this incident. Looking back, I believe this particular episode falls under the "Sudden Flooding" description on p. 155, along with some standard Beast talk that said "AVRT can't possibly work long-term; you know you will drink again".

As for Jt's Vertigo description, he hit the nail right on the head IMO. Before I really understood AVRT, I experienced Vertigo many, many times, and it was always almost exactly as described by Trimpey. In fact, Vertigo almost always led me to drink again. I've experienced Vertigo once since I've adopted AVRT, and I had no real problems handling it, but it is an intense experience, and I found that I needed to do more than recognize what was happening. I also needed to use the actions outlined on pages 156 & 157, specifically affirming my Final Decision (I will never drink again, and I will never change my mind, no matter what).

Personally, I suggest anyone who is serious about AVRT should buy the book. The additional information regarding AVRT is well worth the cost, and it is a great reference to pick-up when the AV starts acting up.

MythOfSisyphus

I should probably buy the book, FeenixxRising. My last drink was on Oct 4th of '12 and I haven't been tempted much to start again. But forewarned is forearmed, it would be good to read the book.

LBrain

I liken this to watching a baseball game with fans sitting behind home plate. Every time a foul ball comes screaming back they attempt to get out of the way. And every time it is stopped by the glass (whatever super clear compound it is). And the next time they jump back again. Inning after inning.

Glad I came across this. I had an encounter last night while driving home late. The thought came into my head that I could stop for a beer - I actually tasted it. Then I just spoke out loud, "I will never drink again." It lasted about 15 seconds and went away. But I did experience that Pavlovian response for a second or two. I don't know if this be a forever thing - probably - but I know those thoughts come out still. I had my first drinking dream in a very long time also. Nothing spectacular, but I was drinking beer in the dream. I thought about it after I woke up and thought it was odd.

FeenixxRising

You have almost two years, very nice Myth. You can pick-up cheap copies of RR on half.com.