EXBF relapsed on meth and blames me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 4
EXBF relapsed on meth and blames me
Hi All, I'm new to the SoberRecovery forum, and this is my first post. Nice to meet all of you!
I'm going through it right now--angry, hurt, sad and working on my own recovery while learning to detach from my ex-boyfriend who relapsed on meth and alcohol the night I broke up with him (last week).
In short, we met in recovery. As you might imagine, the relationship was very intense. I was just clean, and he went to detox/got clean while we were together. He was never smoking meth when we were together--but he was still drinking every day (just not around me) for a little less than a month before he went to detox.
He's a wonderful man in many ways, and he gave me a lot of emotional gifts--helped hold me up when I had trouble taking care of myself, encouraged me, loved me. And I did the same for him.
But I found that I was depending on him far too much, and I wasn't concentrating on myself--on my recovery, on the basics of my life, cooking for myself, being a functional adult on my own (I'm 38 and he is 45). So, last week, I broke up with him.
He was sad. I was sad. He was confused. I tried to explain the reasons to him. He said he understood. I had hopes that we would remain friends, though I anticipated we'd both need space before that was possible. He said he wanted to remain friends as well, but that he needed space.
Monday night, we talked. And I learned that he has been using and drinking again. Less than a few hours after he left my house last Tuesday (the night I broke up with him), he started smoking meth again (I am still clean). I've never done meth, though my drugs of choice were also insidious and deadly (as they all are, in my opinion). He says the sadness and pain over the breakup were his trigger. I'm also sad and in pain, but I'm not using. I understand the inclination to use, believe me.
But I'm so angry at him--he chose this drug, meth, and he chose alcohol, not just over our friendship, but over his family, over his life, over his recovery, over looking for work, over his new friends, over the connections he'd re-established with old friends who are now clean.
And that's just it--at this point, he almost had 90 days, he chose drugs and alcohol. He chose to: go out and find a dealer, ask for it/drugs, hold it, hand over money, put it in his pocket, get in his car, go home, find something to smoke with, pick up a lighter, and smoke it. And he didn't just do it once, he's been on a bender for over a week now. And he's been drinking every day. He's made so many choices, and at this point, it's as if he never got clean to begin with.
I simply can't see him. I can't let him near my dog (sounds silly, perhaps, but he was very attached to him). I love him. But I can't keep putting myself through this. I can't enable him.
That said, I'm in so much pain. I saw so many wonderful parts of this man. I never knew him as a meth addict, I knew him as a recovering meth addict. And I just can't have his active addiction in my life. It is, however, so much easier said than done. I've gone 24 hours without contacting him. I know I need to cut contact altogether, but that's too painful to consider right now. So, I set 24-hour goals. I keep thinking about what I could have said or done to change things. I keep thinking that if I hadn't broken up with him, he'd still be clean.
But I couldn't be his higher power, I couldn't be his program, I couldn't be his *reason* to be clean. I'm not that powerful. I'm not magical. I know these things.
Still, the tears, the sadness, the anger, they're a terribly difficult morass to crawl out of. I'm working on it, but any support or advice you might have would be welcome.
I'm going through it right now--angry, hurt, sad and working on my own recovery while learning to detach from my ex-boyfriend who relapsed on meth and alcohol the night I broke up with him (last week).
In short, we met in recovery. As you might imagine, the relationship was very intense. I was just clean, and he went to detox/got clean while we were together. He was never smoking meth when we were together--but he was still drinking every day (just not around me) for a little less than a month before he went to detox.
He's a wonderful man in many ways, and he gave me a lot of emotional gifts--helped hold me up when I had trouble taking care of myself, encouraged me, loved me. And I did the same for him.
But I found that I was depending on him far too much, and I wasn't concentrating on myself--on my recovery, on the basics of my life, cooking for myself, being a functional adult on my own (I'm 38 and he is 45). So, last week, I broke up with him.
He was sad. I was sad. He was confused. I tried to explain the reasons to him. He said he understood. I had hopes that we would remain friends, though I anticipated we'd both need space before that was possible. He said he wanted to remain friends as well, but that he needed space.
Monday night, we talked. And I learned that he has been using and drinking again. Less than a few hours after he left my house last Tuesday (the night I broke up with him), he started smoking meth again (I am still clean). I've never done meth, though my drugs of choice were also insidious and deadly (as they all are, in my opinion). He says the sadness and pain over the breakup were his trigger. I'm also sad and in pain, but I'm not using. I understand the inclination to use, believe me.
But I'm so angry at him--he chose this drug, meth, and he chose alcohol, not just over our friendship, but over his family, over his life, over his recovery, over looking for work, over his new friends, over the connections he'd re-established with old friends who are now clean.
And that's just it--at this point, he almost had 90 days, he chose drugs and alcohol. He chose to: go out and find a dealer, ask for it/drugs, hold it, hand over money, put it in his pocket, get in his car, go home, find something to smoke with, pick up a lighter, and smoke it. And he didn't just do it once, he's been on a bender for over a week now. And he's been drinking every day. He's made so many choices, and at this point, it's as if he never got clean to begin with.
I simply can't see him. I can't let him near my dog (sounds silly, perhaps, but he was very attached to him). I love him. But I can't keep putting myself through this. I can't enable him.
That said, I'm in so much pain. I saw so many wonderful parts of this man. I never knew him as a meth addict, I knew him as a recovering meth addict. And I just can't have his active addiction in my life. It is, however, so much easier said than done. I've gone 24 hours without contacting him. I know I need to cut contact altogether, but that's too painful to consider right now. So, I set 24-hour goals. I keep thinking about what I could have said or done to change things. I keep thinking that if I hadn't broken up with him, he'd still be clean.
But I couldn't be his higher power, I couldn't be his program, I couldn't be his *reason* to be clean. I'm not that powerful. I'm not magical. I know these things.
Still, the tears, the sadness, the anger, they're a terribly difficult morass to crawl out of. I'm working on it, but any support or advice you might have would be welcome.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 232
Oh, God. My boyfriend had a couple of days clean (off crack) and I still wouldn't see him because I felt like he needed more time clean before I could be around him. He went on a gigantic bender then and I felt so guilty.
Hang in there.
It isn't a healthy response to a situation, dealing with a setback or a disappointment by using. Setbacks are gonna come your way--if it hadn't of been you, if it hadn't of been me, it would have been something. We have every right to set our own boundaries.
Hang in there.
It isn't a healthy response to a situation, dealing with a setback or a disappointment by using. Setbacks are gonna come your way--if it hadn't of been you, if it hadn't of been me, it would have been something. We have every right to set our own boundaries.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The only person responsible for his relapse is him.
If anything we did or said or did not do would keep our addicted loved ones clean, not one of us would be here.
We didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it...the 3 "C's".
Only he can decide how his future will unfold.
Please don't let your future stay on hold while he decides.
I am very proud of you for your own clean time and for making it through this still clean and sober.
It hurts right now but one day soon it won't hurt as much...I promise.
Hugs
If anything we did or said or did not do would keep our addicted loved ones clean, not one of us would be here.
We didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it...the 3 "C's".
Only he can decide how his future will unfold.
Please don't let your future stay on hold while he decides.
I am very proud of you for your own clean time and for making it through this still clean and sober.
It hurts right now but one day soon it won't hurt as much...I promise.
Hugs
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the Board.
Ann pretty much sums up how I feel, but I'd like to add one more thing.
The mortal enemy of someone in active addiction is accountability. Whenever he attempts to shift the blame for his choices from himself to you, remember that.
ZoSo
Ann pretty much sums up how I feel, but I'd like to add one more thing.
The mortal enemy of someone in active addiction is accountability. Whenever he attempts to shift the blame for his choices from himself to you, remember that.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
when I was in treatment, this is why they say no relationships in the first year.
honestly... he was gunna use anyways as was waiting for any excuse... the dog died, lost my job, just broke up... the list goes on and on...
you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders.
I can see how the strong emotions can be a trigger to use... but using is a choice. Maybe check out if you have a relapse prevention class in your area, or at least do some reading on the subject. I'm a double winner just like you and it was interesting for me to learn that we relapse long before we ever pick up... remember... anything we put before recovery we lose.
honestly... he was gunna use anyways as was waiting for any excuse... the dog died, lost my job, just broke up... the list goes on and on...
you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders.
I can see how the strong emotions can be a trigger to use... but using is a choice. Maybe check out if you have a relapse prevention class in your area, or at least do some reading on the subject. I'm a double winner just like you and it was interesting for me to learn that we relapse long before we ever pick up... remember... anything we put before recovery we lose.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
addicts who want to use will find ANY excuse possible to "defend" that choice.
it was a good day
it was a bad day
it rained
it didn't rain
work was hell
work was awesome!
we have no milk
the <<insert team here>> lost
the <<insert team here>> won
I deserve this
this is the only way I can deal with YOU
you leaving was just an EXCUSE for him to use. you did the right thing for YOU. he did what he thought best for HIM.
it was a good day
it was a bad day
it rained
it didn't rain
work was hell
work was awesome!
we have no milk
the <<insert team here>> lost
the <<insert team here>> won
I deserve this
this is the only way I can deal with YOU
you leaving was just an EXCUSE for him to use. you did the right thing for YOU. he did what he thought best for HIM.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome. See it for what it is, hes an addict who chooses to use over recovery. The thing is, as i told my X husband, there will.always be triggers. Death, pain, celebrations, you name it. If they are truly ready for recovery they will not choose to use during those triggers. Its a choice. You are right to get away. A long term relationship with another addict puts your own recovery, which has to be your #1 focus, at risk.
I hope you keep coming back, im very glad your here. SR is a great tool for support.
XXX
I hope you keep coming back, im very glad your here. SR is a great tool for support.
XXX
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