freedragonfly

I keep messing up and going back to drinking. I do want to be sober but somehow I sabotage it. I don't drink for a little while, then I do. Its not as bad as it was, but its still not good and too much. Not moderation at all and honestly not trying to have it be that when I drink.

I suppose I just need to not give up. This is frustrating. I did quit drinking for a longer time about 5 years ago but the first three weeks were spent locked in a psych ward for something mental health related.

Well I really do not know what to do really. I feel like I need to never leave the house. (I do have trouble leaving the house anyways). My health insurance would probably not approve me being locked away now. Sometimes I think that is what I need though.

Well, any encouraging words are welcome. I just am losing faith that I can do this. but I don't want to give up. I know my life would be better without drinking.

FreeOwl

you will change course when the pain of staying the same course becomes greater than the fear of changing course.

are you there yet?

doggonecarl

One has to keep trying. Not trying is the only real failure. But doing the same thing over and over and not succeeding isn't the answer. So let me ask you. What are you doing, recovery related, to stay sober...or better yet, what are you willing to do to get and remain sober?

freedragonfly

that is a good question. actually, and maybe unfortunately, I do not often have really negative consequences from drinking. no hangover usually. I do it all alone at home, so no legal trouble or bad interactions with people. I know its damaging my body but I do not feel pain so its abstract. I maybe am feeling 50/50 right now. Half want to quit permanently and half wanting to keep drinking.

freedragonfly

good questions. I do not really know though. I do lurk around this forum. Some of the recovery stories are inspiring to read. I wonder if a therapist would help me. I don't do well in groups. I get anxious and shy.

doggonecarl

Recovery (as opposed to just abstaining from drink) often requires massive change. Along with change comes discomfort. Lots of it. But if we want to get better, we have to do things that make us feel uncomfortable in the beginning. Don't let your fears, especially fears of things you haven't even tried, impede your sobriety.

freedragonfly

that does make sense to me. thanks

FreeOwl

I know that problem well....

it's why I stuck with it for decades... until I DID start having consequences. But by that time I had been on the train for so long, I failed to acknowledge the consequences. I got annoyed at them, felt unlucky, woe is me... but kept right on at it.

Eventually, the consequences got painful enough. Too bad it took about 12 years of gradual, consistent consequences to finally get me there.

Looking back - I wish to hell that I'd taken a serious look at what I really valued in life and an honest inventory of the ways in which drinking either supported or harmed those things.

I'm sure if I had done that... I'd have had a different frame of reference as to whether I was causing myself pain. Sure - I was keeping my job and my relationship and my life apparently holding together.... but I was also sacrificing a lot of TIME. The one thing we cannot get any more of. TIME that I could have been spending doing things and having experiences that were truly meaningful to me in the big picture. And actually remembering those things.

Maybe you could do something like that. Maybe you could start out with a list of alll the things, people, experiences, pursuits and capabilities that you value in your life.

When you're done with doing that for a few days, maybe you could put that list somewhere for a week or two and the next time you find yourself in a post-drinking reflection point... maybe you could take a hard, honest look at how just how alcohol stacks up.

I'd lay a few bucks down on the bet that you're doing yourself more 'harm' and accepting a lot more negative consequences than you'd be willing to if you simply paid attention.

desypete

i only got it once i lost it all such was my destiny to carry on drinking as i couldn't accept i couldn't control drinking as it meant freedom to me.

i couldn't believe there was a life to be had without drinking.

i hope you can find it soon rather than later which ever way you go as for me the drink lost me my job my money my family everything i loved all went as i clung on to the bottle

how i wish with all my heart i could of quit drinking and found the help i needed before i lost it all
but i wouldn't listen as i believed i was different to all the other alcoholics who were showing me this would happen to me if i dont do something about it

i cry my eyes out at the film a Christmas carol as i was scrooge in how i lived my life so long as i had the drink the rest of the world could drop dead as far as i was concerend
and then he has his wake up call and wants to put right all his wrongs in his life and try to live a different way of life and he was filled with the spirit of just having a second chance at life
hence i cry as i know how dark that life is compared to how it is today for me without drink and being kind and caring to others

so its your call if you feel your an alcoholic and the drink is causeing you problems then either do something about it and find the help you will need, or carry on putting it off in the hope that somehow it will come all right one day just so long as you dont have to give up drink

good luck to you and i hope you can find your way out as there are plenty of places to go for help i am totaly aa so i would say go along there and see what you think try a few meetings as there all different you might not like the first meeting you go to so try a different meetings
good luck to you and there is hope for this but its got to come from you to start it all off
pain taught me i couldn't do it anymore

freedragonfly

yeah I do think there are some consequences that I'm glossing over. I do actually feel really badly about something that happened about a month ago. I was out, and my drinking really screwed some stuff up. Feel guilty still. Making a list seems like a good idea.

freedragonfly

yeah, it would be good for me to stop now before things become way worse. there really are a ton of health reasons I need to stop. I know it could kill me if I continue. also, more embarassing situations. I probably should seek out some sort of support. I am not sure if AA is for me. tried a few meetings.

ScottFromWI

You'll get it when you want it enough. Sobriety is one of those rare things in life that anyone can have, whenever they want it. It doesn't matter how much money you make, where you live, what you do, what color you are, etc, etc etc. ANYONE can achieve it if they truly want it.

Conversely, while it's available to all, it requires work and action to achieve. Just like most good things in life it's not just going to magically "happen". And it's something you have to maintain, you don't just have a vision and suddenly you are not an alcoholic anymore.

Making a list of the pros and cons can be helpful to see what your life is really like with alcohol. Alcoholics are masters of minimizing/denying the effects that drinking really has, so writing it all down for you to see at once can be pretty eye-opening. Because unfortunately if you wait until the "bad" things are too bad to ignore, it can be too late.

freedragonfly

yeah I will try to make a list today. I used to not care about dying, but things have changed and I do care now. it really is true that I forget all the crummy things that have happened from my drinking. looking back with blindness basically.

MandalayVA

When will you get it? When you want to get it. I got it when I got sick of three-day hangovers and my husband's sad face after I emerged from my room after yet another drunken hole-up. When you've beaten yourself up enough, you'll get it. And I'll cheer.

freedragonfly

yeah, well the replies to this thread are helping a bit. I think I need to work more on this than I have been.

desypete

can i ask you why you feel aa wasnt for you ? what was your experience of aa ? as this is important as there are many different kinds of meetings in aa and some meetings would put me off going to aa for life if i didnt know more about aa and the different kinds of people and meetings there are

so it would help to know why you dont think aa is for you
thanks

freedragonfly

yeah, I could try some other meetings. I only went to one aa group that was a bit religious for several meetings. that wasn't that much of a bother to me though. however, I probably would prefer a more agnostic group. maybe my experience is only because I am so early in trying to recover. I felt so triggered by the aa meetings I went to. sure the stories were just awful that people were sharing. but hearing about alcohol really triggered me to want to drink badly. am I the only one who feels triggered like this from something that is supposed to be helpful?

desypete

well the meetings i attend have people who live the steps and believe in god but they dont bore the pants off new comers with all that stuff. when a new comer is in the room they talk about what drink did to them, how they felt, all sorts of things trying to help the new comer get the identification. thats what kepts me coming back as these people talked about me and it was amazing to know i wasnt the only one who behaved like this so i wanted to know more and more
i went to some meetings were all they talked about was god and the big book and how there lives have been saved and it really wasnt for me that kind of meeting i felt very intimidated at those meetings. and also under pressure to share just like they share word for word so it just looked to me like a bit of a cult
but take my word for it aa is not like that everywhere and there are so many different types of meetings you just have to find them

why not give the help line a call and tell them honestly what type of meeting you would like to try so they can send you to a meeting were you might feel more comfortable

this really does worry me as i wonder how many other alcoholics out there will not come to aa because they have been put off by what they see in there first meeting

but what ever way you go the most important thing is that you can find freedom from your problem as i wouldnt want to push aa down anyones throat who really doesnt think its for them
so good luck to you and thanks for your reply if you was in my area i would love to take you to a meeting were i am sure you would feel at home with or not as the case may be

freedragonfly

well perhaps I should give some other aa meetings/groups a try. I am not 100% put off by religious stuff but I'm on the fence with how I feel about it. I do pray on my own, usually at night when lying in bed with anxiety. It helps calm me down.

I have mentioned this in other posts/replies but I am scared of the 12 steps. I have been told this is not abnormal though.

I really just don't know what to do with my feelings of being triggered at AA meetings though.

Oh and another thing is sometimes the stories people share are so horrible that I have trouble relating. Well those stories do scare me a bit and make me think I don't want to end up there.

desypete

when i first went to aa i was just 23 years old i was only a weekend bender drinker who was fed up of always getting into trouble getting drunk all the time
i wanted to know how to drink without getting drunk and so i didnt get into trouble

i got a loud wake up call when people told me about themselves and some of the places they ended up scared me as i wasnt that bad

they made me see i wasnt that bad yet !!!

they explained to me about it all being like an elevator and i could get off that thing at any floor i wanted to get off at
what it ment was i wasnt as bad as some of them just because i hadnt been drinking as long as them but if i carried on i would end up just like them right down on the bottom floor or dead

i couldnt belive this rubbish as i was only a weekend bender drinker nothing like those 24 / 7 drinkers

i stuck around aa for 3 years then quit aa i stayed dry for 15 years built up a business and had tons of money a wife kids the lot

then i picked up that first drink again and within 8 years i lost my money my wife my kids and i ended up in a small flat drinking 24 / 7 exactly how they told me many years before i would end up

so now i dont need anymore convincing i am an alcoholic i have now got the war story to prove it but i only wish i didnt have the war story
i only wish i had kept hold of aa and never left it
but its to late now as we can not turn the clocks back but what i can do is try to pass on my experience to others and hope they dont ever follow in my footsteps and end up losing it all