Because my husband isn't the only addict
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Because my husband isn't the only addict
My husband is a recovering heroin addict. His older sister and younger brother are both H addicts.
My sisters husband is a opiate addict. He claims that it is just marijuana and my sister and mom believe him. I posted this a few months ago. I let it go - even though I have to work with him everyday. (not that I would know what an opiate user looks like (LOL)) Yet, it wouldn't solve anything for them to know.. because there isn't anything that they could do anyway. I have tried telling them a few times that it was more.. but was brushed off.
He almost died last feb. of a heroin overdose on the same day my sister found out she was pregnant with his daughter. She had no idea he was doing it at that time either.
Besides all that - my sister is finally "done" or so she says. That he has to pick her over the marijuana and friends. All of the behaviors are there. The negative ones that we just can't live with... or if we do.. go mentally insane!!!!!!!!!
So, she says she wants him out.. that she wants to move on.. but makes a very crappy plan of action.
She basically is letting him stay there.. but telling him that she's not a couple with him. She's using the excuse that he doesn't have another living situation but the TRUTH is... she still loves him and wants to be with him.. and wants him to change. Don't we all!!!
Yet - she's saying she doesn't.
My question is... how do I help her? Just listen? Any advice. HA. It hurts me to watch her go through so much pain. Maybe because I know exactly how it feels.
My sisters husband is a opiate addict. He claims that it is just marijuana and my sister and mom believe him. I posted this a few months ago. I let it go - even though I have to work with him everyday. (not that I would know what an opiate user looks like (LOL)) Yet, it wouldn't solve anything for them to know.. because there isn't anything that they could do anyway. I have tried telling them a few times that it was more.. but was brushed off.
He almost died last feb. of a heroin overdose on the same day my sister found out she was pregnant with his daughter. She had no idea he was doing it at that time either.
Besides all that - my sister is finally "done" or so she says. That he has to pick her over the marijuana and friends. All of the behaviors are there. The negative ones that we just can't live with... or if we do.. go mentally insane!!!!!!!!!
So, she says she wants him out.. that she wants to move on.. but makes a very crappy plan of action.
She basically is letting him stay there.. but telling him that she's not a couple with him. She's using the excuse that he doesn't have another living situation but the TRUTH is... she still loves him and wants to be with him.. and wants him to change. Don't we all!!!
Yet - she's saying she doesn't.
My question is... how do I help her? Just listen? Any advice. HA. It hurts me to watch her go through so much pain. Maybe because I know exactly how it feels.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
maybe invite her to a meeting with you? Does she refuse? ya... maybe just listen...
my friends told me this: "look. you're the one who decides to stay. If you want to get out... we will help you get out... if you choose to stay. Then put on your big girl panties and stop complaining about him. Either accept him as he is or get out."
This way... they stopped enabling me to enable him. Make sense? pretend that BIL is heroin and sister is addicted to him... how would you approach an addict who is using and says they want to quit but won't seek help??? same thing.
my friends told me this: "look. you're the one who decides to stay. If you want to get out... we will help you get out... if you choose to stay. Then put on your big girl panties and stop complaining about him. Either accept him as he is or get out."
This way... they stopped enabling me to enable him. Make sense? pretend that BIL is heroin and sister is addicted to him... how would you approach an addict who is using and says they want to quit but won't seek help??? same thing.
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I have invited her to meetings but she believes she doesn't have a problem. She just keeps saying how done she is. Yet, she's not doing anything or taking any major action to make that happen. She is married to the guy and has an 8 month old with him. They live with my mom.. and my mom gives him a job. I work with him everyday. I'm his "boss". There is serious enabling and spoiling that my sister and my mom give him. He works to make money for what he wants and contributes nothing to anyone else but HIM.
I think I might just buy her the CRAFT book.. and see if she actually reads it. There isn't too much advice to give her. Except what she's already doing - detaching - but she's in a deep ocean of denial. (even from her own core feelings)
I think I might just buy her the CRAFT book.. and see if she actually reads it. There isn't too much advice to give her. Except what she's already doing - detaching - but she's in a deep ocean of denial. (even from her own core feelings)
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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I don't really think you can help her, other than by inviting her to meetings and just being there as support. She is not ready to actually be done or detach fully. You can't really do much to move that process along for her, sadly.
Lily put it in a good way. As people who have addicted loved ones, we become addicted to them, in a way. We don't always believe we have a problem, because THEY have a problem! What could we possibly be doing wrong?
She will know when she is ready to say 'when'....or she won't. All you can do is be there and encourage her to attend meetings.
Lily put it in a good way. As people who have addicted loved ones, we become addicted to them, in a way. We don't always believe we have a problem, because THEY have a problem! What could we possibly be doing wrong?
She will know when she is ready to say 'when'....or she won't. All you can do is be there and encourage her to attend meetings.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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I think with your experience your in a good place to offer her support. In her own way maybe she is trying to process things, "they are no longer a couple but living together" She feels something is off and maybe for now she just has to sit with it until it grows stronger, or gets better. I dont know if you spend much time with her personally, but if you can show her by example of how your taking care of yourself, and relate to her how she can still love her husband, but begin to think about her wants, needs, and goals and how it all fits together.
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IMO, the best way to help her is NOT be a sounding board for her. Every time she wants to bemoan her situation, find some polite way (something that fits your personality) to move the subject to her getting help through her own recovery program. Maybe have some literature from the 12-step groups to give her, maybe a directory for local meetings with an offer to accompany her to her first meeting, maybe have some scientific article on drugs on the brain, something. Do that quickly and then change the subject, get up and start doing something, say you have to get off the phone because you have something (be specific!) to do. The purpose of your changing the subject to her recovery is not to give her advice or change her mind or get her to discuss it - it is to "train" her that you are not a sounding board! And it is to "train" her that every time she thinks of you or sees your face, she thinks of her own need for recovery! If we do that quickly, quietly, politely, it is amazing how powerful that is. Of course, you will not know that. She might get angry, irritable, whatever. That is expected.
IMO, what happens when we allow the codependent to "vent" is that we give them an avenue to relieve themselves of the psychological stress which then allows them to feel a little "stronger" to go back into the situation without making any changes. Many times then, we are carrying that stress on us. Reminds me of the "sin-eater" stories or perhaps the scapegoat-type situation. So, IMO, we are not helping anyone by allowing them to go on and on with the war stories.
Take what you want and leave the rest. But keep coming back!
IMO, what happens when we allow the codependent to "vent" is that we give them an avenue to relieve themselves of the psychological stress which then allows them to feel a little "stronger" to go back into the situation without making any changes. Many times then, we are carrying that stress on us. Reminds me of the "sin-eater" stories or perhaps the scapegoat-type situation. So, IMO, we are not helping anyone by allowing them to go on and on with the war stories.
Take what you want and leave the rest. But keep coming back!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
I like the idea to keep recommending recovery to her. She admits that she is very codependent and some of the language she uses makes me believe she has done her own research. All of her pain is just surfacing now. She has been the one to pretend everything is fine.. and things are great.. and stick up for him for EVERYTHING. She always backs him up - always.
I see her and have dinner with her at least once a week. We bring the kids over to my moms and have a bbq or I make some healthy concoction and we hang out. She has an 8 month old and my kids love my moms huge backyard with full play set and trampoline. So we do hang out there at dinner time once or twice a week.
She has reached some sort of breaking point. She would have never spoken or said the things she said about him... if she wasn't "done". Yet... her actions are speaking louder. From my own recovery I know that actions speak a lot louder than words. Today at work he (her husband) looks very depressed. She told me last night she was going to work on a separation agreement with him. I'm assuming that he doesn't want to leave.. because he lives like a kid with nothing to do. Except work a job and spend all his money on drugs and friends. It's very immature.
So - i'm impressed she is working on it and backing up her words with some sort of action. I think she realizes she needs him to leave for her life to move forward.
I did tell her that separation is smart either way. It will either make you miss him and make some sort of reconciliation plan or it will help end the marriage. Either way.. it's a start. She just knows that her life can't stay like it is anymore.
Thanks for all your help!!
I see her and have dinner with her at least once a week. We bring the kids over to my moms and have a bbq or I make some healthy concoction and we hang out. She has an 8 month old and my kids love my moms huge backyard with full play set and trampoline. So we do hang out there at dinner time once or twice a week.
She has reached some sort of breaking point. She would have never spoken or said the things she said about him... if she wasn't "done". Yet... her actions are speaking louder. From my own recovery I know that actions speak a lot louder than words. Today at work he (her husband) looks very depressed. She told me last night she was going to work on a separation agreement with him. I'm assuming that he doesn't want to leave.. because he lives like a kid with nothing to do. Except work a job and spend all his money on drugs and friends. It's very immature.
So - i'm impressed she is working on it and backing up her words with some sort of action. I think she realizes she needs him to leave for her life to move forward.
I did tell her that separation is smart either way. It will either make you miss him and make some sort of reconciliation plan or it will help end the marriage. Either way.. it's a start. She just knows that her life can't stay like it is anymore.
Thanks for all your help!!
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