Lyrise

Hello,

I'm new so i'll introduce myself first.
I am Lyrise, a 25 year old young lady from the Netherlands. Although my english is not bad, I'm not a native speaker so please forgive me any mistakes in grammar or spelling ;-)

I live by myself in a small coastal city. I study Social Work and enjoy life with my two cats. I am happy. Life hasn't always been so good for me. I worked hard to get this far.

Both my parents are alcoholics, the agressive kind. It took me 24 years before I could acknowledge this. I am beginning to realise that my parents are very ill and that I can't help them. That troubles me. It hurts. I feel powerless and lonely. But I am also very proud, because I managed to survive not one, but two alcoholics.

I joined this forum because I would like to share my story. My friends support me 24/7, they are the greatest and sweetest persons I've ever met. But their parents are no alcoholics. They do not know what it feels like. So I am looking for others who have experienced the same, who know how it feels and how it hurts.

When I was 19 years old, I left home to live with my aunt and uncle. I broke all contact with my parents and didn't see them or speak to them for 4 years. I used those 4 years to get myself some professional help and work out some issues. I got therapy, i went to support groups, i got medication: the whole package. About 1,5 years ago i restored contact with my parents. I was doing a lot better and felt stronger. Although I made the right decision to contact them again, it didn't do me much good. My parents were very glad I restored contact and for a while it seemed to be going well. They were cautious at first. So was I. After a few months they started to relax. I wish they hadn't. I began to see some old patterns of behavior. They said to me they didn't drink anymore. I soon found out they were not telling the truth.
To keep a long story short: Although I have tried to restore contact, I know this isn't going to work. The way my parents talk and behave.... It makes me worthless. I do not feel safe with my parents. I do not trust my parents. I can't rely on them. They keep making promises, which they never fulfill. Though they do not say it out loud and with the exact words.... The way they talk about me and to me tells me that they still blame me for their drinking problem. My mother told me: Why yes ofcourse we drank to much, but that was because you were giving us so much trouble and fear... We needed a way to cope with that!

After 1,5 years of blood, sweat and tears I have decided to break contact with my parents, again. Not only because I do not feel safe with them. It hurts me, the way they blame me for every mistake in their life. All the anger and grief makes me so tired. I don't want that anymore. I am happy with what I have accomplished: a place of my own where I feel safe, with two cats, my study and job as a social worker and ... This is the part where most people would write 'friends and family'. I'll just go for 'friends', and leave my 'family' behind.

Are there more people who's parents are alcoholics?

fedup3

My father was an alcoholic. He wasn't the angry type just the not here type. We had conflict in the home seeing he would rather sit in a bar after work than come home to his wife and kids. When he was home my parents fought all the time leaving my mom to cry and threaten divorce at least once a week. He died before she divorced him, ugh.

lillamy

You're a survivor. And I often wonder what makes it so? What makes some children of alcoholics survive and thrive, when others don't?

Welcome -- and I'd love to hear more about how you feel growing up with them affected you. Always feel free to post here. There is also another part of the board specifically for adult children of addicts, here: Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

You are a strong and brave person for choosing to cut them out of your life. My kids have made the same choice with their alcoholic father. It's not an easy one, but it's a healthy one when that's how you feel about them. (((hugs)))

Seekinghelp1971

Hi Lyrise,

I too am a child of an alcoholic. My mom drank here life away. I always remember my mom being drunk. She was a depressed drunk. I would receive calls at 2 am in the morning with her telling me she was dying. It got to the point that I just said...Yes you are dying...it's called alcohol. And I told her if she couldn't call me sober...to not call me at all. Well sadly she passed about 10 years ago from complications of the liver. Both my sister and brother are alcoholics. I the THE only one who doesn't drink at all. I made that choice a long time ago that I WOULD NOT be like my mom. It is hard to deal with. But I read in here where someone said you are a survivor...yes I to am a survivor! I do miss her dearly but I don't miss the alcohol.

Stay strong!!

Readreadread

I am so impressed with you. I hope my daughter has the same strength as you when it comes to toxic people in her life. I am working on that for myself too. You deserve everything you have worked hard for.

FeelingGreat

Hi Lyrise, my parents drank heavily when my 3 sister and I were teenagers and it was really traumatic for us, mainly because my mother became quite hostile after just one drink. You won't get any contrition from them, that would make it too painful. It's a pity your mother went further and blamed you. This is called 'quacking'; it's a load of BS because unless you forced the drink down their throats you are not responsible.
Have you considered limited contact which doesn't give them the chance to get into deep discussions with you? Say a brief visit once or twice a year? If that's too painful for you then you must make a decision that keeps you healthy.

Lyrise

Thank you all, for your comments.
I will respond to them later, I'm quite busy with school atm ;-)

StarCat

My parents are not alcoholics, but the dynamic in that household is the same. My mother, instead of an alcohol addiction, has a deep need to control everyone around her to the nth degree. My father is the classic enabler, desperate to do anything to hold the "family" together and retain the little bit of his own humanity he has left.

It looks really harsh and cold when I type it that way, but it is true. I have two very young brothers who are fighting with their experiences there and hopefully learning that this is not "normal" or the way things are meant to be. My youngest sister used to live at home and would serve as their confidant in this, but she couldn't take it anymore and had to move out after out mother had another screaming match at our father about how my sister was "poisoning him against her" and that as a result he could look to my sister if he wanted anything because he wasn't going to be having any sex with his wife for the next month. (Yes, she said this out loud while my sister was home. I don't know if my youngest brothers were home to witness this, as I was too afraid to ask.)

Sick, sick, sick.

I still have contact with my parents. I am heading there this weekend as a matter of fact, with my boyfriend, for Father's Day / Dad's company picnic. I had cut my parents out of my life for over a year (I would visit once a year, December 22nd, to deliver Christmas presents for my siblings) and now I have slowly been working on building a well-defined relationship with them. I drive my car so I can leave when needed, I steer clear of conversations about my childhood, and if she gets into one of her moods/screaming matches again I will politely excuse myself and do my best to come up with an escape route for my youngest brothers (and anyone else who wants to join in) as well. Easy things to justify, like "Who wants to exercise outside, we can play basketball?" or "Who wants to visit Grandma's grave for Mother's Day?" or "I am going to visit our neighbor with the chronic health problems and the cats, who wants to join me?"

Some things work, some things don't, it's trial and error. If you decide to have a relationship with them (I have a relationship with my parents in large part because of my siblings) make sure you set up strong boundaries and the way you will enforce those boundaries. Unfortunately, most of the work of carrying the relationship will be on your shoulders, so be aware of that. If it's going to be healthy, it's not going to be a deep relationship like children are supposed to have with their parents. It's going to be shallow and mostly one-sided.

Congratulations on everything that you have already accomplished! Whatever you decide, I know that you will succeed, because so far you already have!