Struggling with day 4 of no contact

Old 06-10-2014, 10:05 AM
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Struggling with day 4 of no contact

I have not spoken to my AH since Friday, 4 days now and have not seen him in 2 weeks but I am struggling with not talking to him or seeing him I have never gone more than 3 days without contacting him!!!! I know that when I do contact him I am the one that is left upset and I end up right back to where I started but I miss him although not sure what I miss! After 18 years together it's so difficult to go from seeing and talking to him him everyday to nothing, although it has taken me 3 months to get to no contact.

I certainly don't miss his moods, or his drinking or the weekends where I couldn't sleep in case he left the house or waking up the next morning and worrying in case he started drinking again that day. I certainly don't miss the anxiety I felt coming up to the weekends or if he was out!!

I have been focusing on myself and through the book how to stop being addicted to a person. I have learned a lot about myself and about our relationship but there are times when I have so much running round my head I can't make sense of my feelings and emotions!! Although I am feeling angry today I know that emotion. My AH was to see my daughter on sat but he decided to go to his brothers house and he rang her at 6pm drunk crying down the phone about how he had messed things up with me and how he was a useless dad. He then arranged to see her on Sunday but didn't turn up or contact her. He texted her today about meeting up tonight and when she told him they had arrangements for the weekend he came up with some nonsense that he tried to contact her before he went to his brothers but he 'didn't realise they had definite plans as it's hard to pin you down'. He apparently was so ill on Sunday with a bunged up nose and sore throat he took to his bed!!!! More like he was hungover or still drinking!! he told her the usual stuff he would tell me I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you or let you down blah blah blah nonsense!! I swear now he's choosing to drink instead of spend time with his kids!!!! I want to ring him and scream down the phone at him but my daughter has asked me not to. She says it's his loss!!!!

I certainly don't feel as devastated as I first did when he left, I couldn't understand how someone who professed to loving me could do this, would rather drink than be with his family. I still don't understand it but there is nothing I can do it's his decision!

Yet when the anger goes I will want to contact him and ask him how he is and whether he's still in love with me yet deep down I know that while he may love me alcohol is more important to him than his family!!!!

This is a terrible illness and it destroys everyone in its path!!
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Old 06-10-2014, 01:41 PM
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I know that when I do contact him I am the one that is left upset and I end up right back to where I started
Focus on this. Take care of yourself. A guy who can treat his own child like he is treating your daughter... yeah, I don't have much patience for such a person.
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Old 06-10-2014, 01:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Confused39 View Post
I certainly don't feel as devastated as I first did when he left, I couldn't understand how someone who professed to loving me could do this, would rather drink than be with his family. I still don't understand it but there is nothing I can do it's his decision!
I don't think he would rather drink than be with his family. Although all I have to base this on is my situation, and I know this wasn't the case, he was sick.

I might get my head bit off for this one. I think that the person inside is so far down under the addiction that there is no way to get them out, especially for them to do it themselves. I think they do feel guilt for the things they have done, but they are so far gone that there is no way for them to fix it, so they continue to drink. I don't think that it is a CHOICE for them once they are in full-fledged addiction-yes, bad choices got them to that point, but once they are addicted, the choice is gone. It's not like they wake up and say, "let's see how many lives we can destroy today." They wake up and say, "Let's see how I can get my next drink today."

Addicts are selfish to the extreme-they don't think about anyone else when they are using. They don't care. That said, you don't have to put up with it. Just because he wants to go kill himself with alcohol does not mean you have to be there to experience it. This is why we are different than the addicts-we can see how their disease affects everyone around them, and it is up to us to make sure that we also do not fall into the black hole that is slowly swallowing them.

I think, if he is anything like my ABF, he does love you, but he is sick. And the only thing you can do about it is to make sure that you don't end up just as sick as he does. You are doing the right thing, and it will get easier. Either he will get it or he won't, but either way, you will be healthier, and that is definitely a place where you want to be, no matter where he ends up.
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Old 06-10-2014, 03:03 PM
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I'm sorry confused39- I was feeling some of the same feeling as you today. I told myself STOP think of me and not him. I can only live my life and my life only. then I thought of the Rocky song and went for a walk. I walked my butt off till all the negative energy was gone.

Your daughter is a smart young lady to realize " She says it's his loss!!!!"
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Old 06-10-2014, 03:06 PM
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I'm still not sure where I stand on disease/choice. I think yes addiction is a disease but it's a choice to continue to drink and refuse all help and seek sobriety. I don't know really still trying to get my head around it all.

My AH told me he wants to be on his own to do what he wants and drink. I don't think it's because he doesn't love me but I think he is controlled by his addiction and is lost so somewhere deep inside of himself.

Lillamy I am angry that he could do this to her. Yes it is hard to pin her down she works full time and shift work but he knew all week that he would see her at the weekend as it was her weekend off!! He says things to her like why haven't you been round to see me. I have told her that it is not up to her to run after him and after what he has done he needs to make an effort for her. He is being so selfish yet probably doesn't even realise he is!!
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Old 06-10-2014, 03:08 PM
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Yes radiant she is but it has hurt her even though she tries to keep it all inside she knows he has chosen alcohol over a family!!
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Old 06-10-2014, 07:25 PM
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My alcoholic father used to blame me completely for our lack of a relationship. Heck, he probably still does, I've not been in contact with him for 15 years.
I have very little sympathy for adults who are creating all of their own problems and are incapable of taking responsibility for anything that goes wrong in their lives.
Alanon has helped me enormously in dealing with my acoa issues. Have you tried a meeting? Maybe you and your daughter could go. I wish I had started going years ago.
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Old 06-10-2014, 07:35 PM
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I did the exact same thing when I left, I really wanted to see him, talk to him. When you feel the need to do that, find something else and focus on that. As you say, you will be upset all over again.
When a relationship ends, it's like an open wound. You have to let it heal (no contact) because if you keep picking at the scab that forms (by caving in), then it never truly heals. As you can see by his actions concerning your kids, he is picking alcohol over you, them and everything.
What I found comforting was to surround myself with other people, family and friends. I forgot instantly about contacting him and enjoyed myself! I phoned my mum all the time just to chat, sent funny pictures to my friends and bought a load of chocolate and crisps, plonked myself in front of the TV and lost myself in films.
And now, after over two weeks of being apart, I'm not bothered. He is messaging me, and I'm not affected in the slightest. I am civil, but not friendly and not giving out any signs of reconciliation.
You are a strong amazing lady and you deserve the best. And even though you may want it with all of your heart, he is not the man to give you that. He is giving his love to the bottle. You need to give your love to yourself and your kids, and maybe if the right man comes along, you can give it him. But not to the man who can't keep a promise to his daughter, and who disrespects you and the family he has left behind.
Your daughter is right - it's his loss!
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Old 06-10-2014, 09:24 PM
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Hi confused. I struggled through the no contact thing. It's so hard at first but it does get easier, I promise. Alcoholics are full of broken promises. Your daughter is right saying it's his loss. You are making huge progress. Remember progress not perfection is the key. As much as you wanted to call him and react to his selfishness and broken promises you didn't because you knew what would happen. When we know better, we do better. Maybe when he breaks his promise to see your daughter, you and her go out to lunch or shop or watch a movie together? I know it's hurtful but it's on him. Keep taking care of you.
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Old 06-11-2014, 09:08 AM
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His mother called today and apologised for not calling sooner she said although he is only drinking one night during the week he is getting drunk but seems to live for the weekend where he always has somewhere to go and he is drinking heavy. She has spoken to him about his drinking and knows that when he moves to live on his own his frequency of drinking will increase but she is getting angry with him out all weekend then come home on the Sunday and lies in bed all day she confirmed that he was in bed with a hangover on Sunday. Confirmation of this has really upset my daughter and it is the first time she has cried again stating he has chosen drink over his family. If I confront him about it he will deny it but I am so angry as to his actions. I tried to protect both my kids from his behaviour while he was at home but I feel powerless now!

He arranged yesterday to take my son out for breakfast on sat morning and told him he would be asking my daughter also. He hasn't yet. This seems to be all the kids are getting the odd hour or so here and there when it suits him. Is this really the life he wants??

It must be nice though to come home from work and not have to sort dinners and washing etc and see to the kids. He can go to bed and relax everything is done for him then at the weekends he gets up and does what he wants no responsibilities to anyone out having a great old time. While I'm at home trying to pick up the pieces for me and my kids. How selfish and thoughtless!!!!

His mum also told me about concerns she has that he will never move out. Apparently his mortgage was approved 3/4 weeks ago but hasn't had the offer in writing and although he states he has tried to contact the builder for a timescale the builder hasn't returned any of his calls. I find this very strange as I would have thought the builder would have been very keen to sell the property. Who knows maybe he thinks if he holds off long enough he can party away then when he's had enough he can come home or continue us to live at his mums rent free and have everything done for him. Having no place of his own has been his excuse as to why he hasn't seen the kids as much despite me telling him that I will go out of the house any time he hasn't taken me up on it saying I'm not putting you out of the house and although I've said it's no bother if it makes it easier to spend time with the kids but no!! He really is thinking only of himself!!
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Old 06-11-2014, 09:25 AM
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And you are thinking only of him.

His thoughts. What he is or isn't doing. His relationships. Protecting your children from the truth about his dysfunction (don't!) His mortgage and His relationship with the builder. Him him him.


You. Focus on you.

You're spinning.
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Old 06-11-2014, 11:31 AM
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Yes my thoughts do central around him but after 18 years together it's hard for them not to be. I struggle with understanding addiction and why someone could walk out after all this time because he wants to drink when he wants rather than seek help!!

I protected my children while he was at home but I can't anymore that's why I feel powerless.

I am trying to focus on me I haven't seen him in 2 weeks and no contact for 5 days now and I am feeling stronger everyday but it will take time for their to be days where I don't think about him or worry about him.

One thing though no matter what I am going through I always think of my kids and have been their to support them through this. They are the most important people in my life and always have been. They are my world!!!!
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Old 06-12-2014, 01:14 AM
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I've been where you are, confused. I wasn't married and didn't have children with my A and I know that makes it so much more difficult. But I did revolve all my energy and thoughts on him. It is hard to break out of that and it does take time. But it is worth it when you can finally break free from the obsessive worry and anxiety. Put all your worries about him in God's hands or your hp or just send them out into the universe. But get rid of them and put the focus on you and the kids. Be patient. It doesn't happen overnight but you will get there.
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Old 06-12-2014, 11:07 AM
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Hi ,
I am on week 4 of no contact . I agree it is hard , the spinning is the worst.
I tell myself that he is doing nothing extrordinary that I am missing. Last night I couldn't figure out the dumb lawnmower gas can. Sat down and had a good cry ! I wanted to call him , just to have him take care of it for me. But I remembered how I feel when we talk or see each other . The fear of going back to that crazt thinking is enough to stop myself. Sometimes it is good to have a healthy fear for your own sanity. Stay strong!
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Old 06-12-2014, 08:17 PM
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Congrats on 5 days!

Of course I was still thinking about him so early on but I knew that for my sanity I could not bend and let him know that. I stubborned it out and just kept counting up those days of no contact. I also stayed very close to SR.

You can do this. It does get easier. With time it became clear to me that this was the best thing I could have done for myself.
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Old 06-13-2014, 04:16 AM
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I don't want to hurt your feelings confused, but you really can't "protect" a child from an active alcoholic drinking in their home.

The child will still feel the pain, abandonment, insecurity, and feel they aren't loved or wanted by the addict, and that it is somehow their fault.

Please focus on your own healing and that of your children.
Continuing to focus on him and his actions is not helping anything.
I'm sorry you are still in so much pain, but if you go forward in your own life
you can begin to heal.
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Old 06-13-2014, 05:29 AM
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Hi confused, well done on the no contact. Are the kids old enough to express their feelings to your AH directly? We can go on too long being intermediaries for our children and trying to shield them. If they want to go off at their dad, let them.

You sound angry......hold on to that for a while, it helps.
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Old 06-13-2014, 12:13 PM
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Thanks to everyone that replied. I'm a week now of no contact and it will be 3 weeks on Tuesday since I last saw him but really it's one week of absolutely no contact. I almost caved a few times and texted him I just wanted to say hi but I didn't I could see how the conversation would go with me asking questions and causing more distress for me. This is what I see when I think of contacting him and it has helped!! It is hard but I am seeing the benefits.

I think his mum probably gave off to him for not seeing my daughter on Sunday as he was hungover. He collected my son the next day to take him to his exam and my son said mum he's not well you should have heard his voice he has a throat infection. I had to laugh because if he had been sick his mum would have said the day before. I think he was putting on a voice that would make it seem as though he had a throat infection and I told my son what his granny told me the day before that he was in bed with a hangover and had he been sick she would have told me.

I have found that I have been able to focus on my own feelings although there are so many emotions running around it's hard to know how I am feeling. The other day I was sitting at the kitchen table thinking about how much I miss him when I questioned myself what I missed about him and I couldn't answer except having someone here so I didn't feel so lonely when I realised that even when he was here there were many times I felt just as lonely. I think what I am feeling is hurt by his actions and choosing his addiction over his family.

Feeling great my kids are 16 & 20 not really kids but they're my kids. So yes they are old enough to tell him what's on their mind but I'm not sure they will. My daughter didn't reply to his texts until today when he finally asked her to go out for breakfast tomorrow morning and her reply was a short no. He doesn't get it the amount of times he has said to her you haven't come to see me. I don't feel it's her place to run after him he walked out so he could drink it's up to him to make the effort with them both. In total this week my daughter hasn't seen him and my son will probably spend no more than 2 hours with him and that's including breakfast tomorrow morning. He hasn't even arranged to see them on Father's Day probably as he will be in bed hungover or still drinking from the night before!! He's not making any effort yet when it comes to going to his mates house so he can drink nothing is too much trouble!!!!

From all the reading I've done I knew I enabled his drinking but always thought I never covered up for it. I never realised until the last few days that I did cover up for his drinking to his kids. When he continued drinking the next day I would always have told the kids oh he's at granny's or his dads or he went to his brothers which is a few miles away but I suppose they knew they saw him drinking the night before I'm sure they heard our arguments. They didn't however realise how bad the problem was until he left which I was honest with the kids and told them that he wants to be on his own do what he wants and drink when he wants I am no longer covering for him!! He needs to face the consequences of his actions.
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Old 06-13-2014, 08:09 PM
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7 days, one whole week....well done you!

Keep it up and you will continue to find more clarity and...bonus, you will not have any new input to get you all twisted up.
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Old 06-13-2014, 08:41 PM
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Confused, I remember how devastated you were when he first left, and to read your last post you have come a long way since then. You should give yourself credit because you've worked hard to get here and showed amazing strength of character.
I'm just sorry you were put in this position in the first place.
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