Not sure what this is - denial? Controlling?
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Not sure what this is - denial? Controlling?
AH has not been drinking since I left (about 1 month ago), which is good because we have a child and I would like them to be able to have a good relationship - something that seems unlikely if he is drinking. He is doing very well with it all and I'm glad about that. However, I am not interested in reconciling. The trust is too far gone and I was hurt too much.
I have explained to him how I feel about the relationship. I left and signed a year lease. Not filing for divorce yet because it felt too fast and I feel like I'm still figuring things out, and he didn't want me to but said he would understand if I did. He says all these things that show he agrees/understands, but then still sometimes says things out of line with that. And that's what I have the question/issue with now.
I told him I knew that being separated etc. was new for him but that the relationship had been dead for me for almost a year. He agreed/acknowledged but then said that he wasn't afraid of me divorcing him because he knew that I would fall in love with him again - that we are the only people for each other and that he is right for me and can make me happy, and he isn't going to make the same mistakes. I told him that I want him to be healthy for himself and for our child, but that he should not be holding on to a romantic relationship with me as part of his recovery because I do not feel that way anymore and I don't think it is going to change. Why is he accepting all the other things I say, but not that?
That is what I'm dealing with. How to deal with him saying/thinking we are going to be together (even going to be together later if we divorce now) when I do not think there is any chance that will happen.
Lawyer and therapist have told me to be careful what I say to him, that it is safer and better for me and our child to wait before saying it is over for sure and/or filing for divorce. So I have tried to be clear with him so he never feels like I was't truthful with him, but at the same time I have not said that I expect that I will file for divorce at some point (some point in the next year I would guess).
Thoughts and how to cope? We see each other often to keep both of us a positive part of our child's life regardless of the other issues and are cooperating well on that part.
I have explained to him how I feel about the relationship. I left and signed a year lease. Not filing for divorce yet because it felt too fast and I feel like I'm still figuring things out, and he didn't want me to but said he would understand if I did. He says all these things that show he agrees/understands, but then still sometimes says things out of line with that. And that's what I have the question/issue with now.
I told him I knew that being separated etc. was new for him but that the relationship had been dead for me for almost a year. He agreed/acknowledged but then said that he wasn't afraid of me divorcing him because he knew that I would fall in love with him again - that we are the only people for each other and that he is right for me and can make me happy, and he isn't going to make the same mistakes. I told him that I want him to be healthy for himself and for our child, but that he should not be holding on to a romantic relationship with me as part of his recovery because I do not feel that way anymore and I don't think it is going to change. Why is he accepting all the other things I say, but not that?
That is what I'm dealing with. How to deal with him saying/thinking we are going to be together (even going to be together later if we divorce now) when I do not think there is any chance that will happen.
Lawyer and therapist have told me to be careful what I say to him, that it is safer and better for me and our child to wait before saying it is over for sure and/or filing for divorce. So I have tried to be clear with him so he never feels like I was't truthful with him, but at the same time I have not said that I expect that I will file for divorce at some point (some point in the next year I would guess).
Thoughts and how to cope? We see each other often to keep both of us a positive part of our child's life regardless of the other issues and are cooperating well on that part.
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My 2 cents. He is having a hard time letting go and accepting it's over. I felt that way before even though deep down I knew she was gone forever. It may be some sort of defense mechanism to avoid the pain of reality. Bad place to be. Take your lawyer/therapist advice.
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said that he wasn't afraid of me divorcing him because he knew that I would fall in love with him again - that we are the only people for each other and that he is right for me and can make me happy
It's one thing to say "I love you, please don't leave me" -- that's a panicking person trying to salvage a marriage.
It's completely different to say "we are the only persons made for each other" -- that to me sounds a bit like "I will not accept you leaving me."
Have you run that statement by your therapist? See, I may not be objective here since my ex became kind of stalkerish, and that statement really raised red flags for me...
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Thanks, Mirage and lilamy. I do plan to do as the lawyer and therapist recommend. AH is also in individual counseling and I hope that over time that will help him get through this aspect of things.
I have talked with my therapist about this recent conversation as well as other things that were said (and the therapist has concerns). AH said much more concerning things when he was still drinking, and although he never threatened to hurt me or our child, he did actually hurt me (physical abuse, sexual assault). The things he said before were along the same lines as the divorce comments, although they seemed more menacing, maybe because when he said them he was drunk/out of control and in this case it just seemed out of place, because he seemed to agree with and understand the rest of the conversation.
My therapist has warned me that I need to be careful and this is a potentially dangerous and unpredictable time. I'm being as smart and cautious as I can. I think as long as he doesn't drink, it will be okay. That part is up to him, but I know what to do if (when?) he relapses. This is the first time he's attempted a change like this when it comes to alcohol, so I don't have a good sense of what might happen. I know alcoholics usually relapse, so I have tried to prepare myself for it.
I have talked with my therapist about this recent conversation as well as other things that were said (and the therapist has concerns). AH said much more concerning things when he was still drinking, and although he never threatened to hurt me or our child, he did actually hurt me (physical abuse, sexual assault). The things he said before were along the same lines as the divorce comments, although they seemed more menacing, maybe because when he said them he was drunk/out of control and in this case it just seemed out of place, because he seemed to agree with and understand the rest of the conversation.
My therapist has warned me that I need to be careful and this is a potentially dangerous and unpredictable time. I'm being as smart and cautious as I can. I think as long as he doesn't drink, it will be okay. That part is up to him, but I know what to do if (when?) he relapses. This is the first time he's attempted a change like this when it comes to alcohol, so I don't have a good sense of what might happen. I know alcoholics usually relapse, so I have tried to prepare myself for it.
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My therapist has warned me that I need to be careful and this is a potentially dangerous and unpredictable time. I'm being as smart and cautious as I can.
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