Not sure if I'm in the right thread but..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 24
Not sure if I'm in the right thread but..
I'm almost one year sober and am in a very strange place mentally that I don't know how to deal with. I and am grateful for SR for being here for me to find solace but would really like to hear from anyone who is married to someone who resents their decision to quit because they don't agree with the reason why you quit.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
congratulations on almost a year! that's fantastic.
I don't have the issue you're facing. My only reflection would be that I have been through a lot of experience with resentment in marriage.
When one person resents another and is "stuck" in that resentment - there is nothing the person being resented can do unless / until the other is ready to work at moving on.
Does your spouse recognize this issue? Is there a chance you both can enter into some form of therapy to address it together?
I don't have the issue you're facing. My only reflection would be that I have been through a lot of experience with resentment in marriage.
When one person resents another and is "stuck" in that resentment - there is nothing the person being resented can do unless / until the other is ready to work at moving on.
Does your spouse recognize this issue? Is there a chance you both can enter into some form of therapy to address it together?
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
I am not in your same situation but it's fairly commonly discussed here - having a spouse or SO that doesn't agree with your decision to quit that is.
First and foremost, congrats on your year sober - that's a great accomplishment. Regarding your spouse, i'm assuming this is something you have discussed? It's very difficulty for non-alcoholics to understand us. Heck, I still don't understand why I can't drink - but I KNOW that I can't even so. That's what people have a hard time with - they don't know why we can't just cut back or only drink now and then.
If you are in AA or NA you could certainly suggest Al-Anon/Narc-anon, or you could bring your spouse to an open meeting. If you are not in a 12 step program, you could potentially share your methods and reasoning.
Be proud of your sobriety though and remember that keeping sober for you is the most important thing. It's a bit selfish to feel that way some think, but the alternative is much less desirable.
First and foremost, congrats on your year sober - that's a great accomplishment. Regarding your spouse, i'm assuming this is something you have discussed? It's very difficulty for non-alcoholics to understand us. Heck, I still don't understand why I can't drink - but I KNOW that I can't even so. That's what people have a hard time with - they don't know why we can't just cut back or only drink now and then.
If you are in AA or NA you could certainly suggest Al-Anon/Narc-anon, or you could bring your spouse to an open meeting. If you are not in a 12 step program, you could potentially share your methods and reasoning.
Be proud of your sobriety though and remember that keeping sober for you is the most important thing. It's a bit selfish to feel that way some think, but the alternative is much less desirable.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
Congratulations on 1 year sober.
I think that the reasons we stop drinking result in positive things happening in our lives. I'm surprised that your husband disagrees with your decision to stop drinking. Ultimately, you know you are doing the right thing. Have you and your husband discussed the issue openly?
I think that the reasons we stop drinking result in positive things happening in our lives. I'm surprised that your husband disagrees with your decision to stop drinking. Ultimately, you know you are doing the right thing. Have you and your husband discussed the issue openly?
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 24
Thank you all so much for taking the time to comment. I apologize for being vague but it's my wife who is struggling with my decision on some level. All the bad things I've done to her throughout our relationship were done while I was drunk. I finally made the decision to stop and while she is happy that I did, she is skeptical as to why I did and thinks there is more to it when there really isn't. I just had enough.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'm no longer married, but I do know as an alcoholic that it serves no purpose for me to try to figure out other peoples' motivations.
It's her issue. If she isn't willing to get to the bottom of it with you, there's not much you can do.
It's her issue. If she isn't willing to get to the bottom of it with you, there's not much you can do.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
ahh.... well, from that further explanation I'd also offer this reflection;
TIME.
It takes time to heal.
I think it's very natural for skepticism and doubt to be a part of the reaction of our loved ones - particularly those closest to us who have borne the burden of pain, confusion and fear as a result of our actions and words.
Having patience and empathy toward your wife will probably be a big help. If she's willing to go to al-anon or some other support group where she can find understanding perspectives or perhaps just willing to work with you in some couples counseling as part of your recovery - it may be helpful.
In a way, for married alcoholics there can be THREE recoveries.... yours, your spouse's and the recovery of your relationship.....
hang in there.
TIME.
It takes time to heal.
I think it's very natural for skepticism and doubt to be a part of the reaction of our loved ones - particularly those closest to us who have borne the burden of pain, confusion and fear as a result of our actions and words.
Having patience and empathy toward your wife will probably be a big help. If she's willing to go to al-anon or some other support group where she can find understanding perspectives or perhaps just willing to work with you in some couples counseling as part of your recovery - it may be helpful.
In a way, for married alcoholics there can be THREE recoveries.... yours, your spouse's and the recovery of your relationship.....
hang in there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 24
I am coming to understand this and that is what is causing a lot of confusion for me. Thanks for writing... it's good to know there are others out there who have been where I am.
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
I'm no longer married, but I do know as an alcoholic that it serves no purpose for me to try to figure out other peoples' motivations.
It's her issue. If she isn't willing to get to the bottom of it with you, there's not much you can do.
It's her issue. If she isn't willing to get to the bottom of it with you, there's not much you can do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 24
Thank you! I completely agree! I am extremely patient and have weathered a number of storms since I made this decision but unfortunately she doesn't believe in counseling or support groups (thinks they are excuses for weak people)
Time is what I have and time is what I will give her.
Time is what I have and time is what I will give her.
Originally Posted by FreeOwl
ahh.... well, from that further explanation I'd also offer this reflection;
TIME.
It takes time to heal.
I think it's very natural for skepticism and doubt to be a part of the reaction of our loved ones - particularly those closest to us who have borne the burden of pain, confusion and fear as a result of our actions and words.
Having patience and empathy toward your wife will probably be a big help. If she's willing to go to al-anon or some other support group where she can find understanding perspectives or perhaps just willing to work with you in some couples counseling as part of your recovery - it may be helpful.
In a way, for married alcoholics there can be THREE recoveries.... yours, your spouse's and the recovery of your relationship.....
hang in there.
TIME.
It takes time to heal.
I think it's very natural for skepticism and doubt to be a part of the reaction of our loved ones - particularly those closest to us who have borne the burden of pain, confusion and fear as a result of our actions and words.
Having patience and empathy toward your wife will probably be a big help. If she's willing to go to al-anon or some other support group where she can find understanding perspectives or perhaps just willing to work with you in some couples counseling as part of your recovery - it may be helpful.
In a way, for married alcoholics there can be THREE recoveries.... yours, your spouse's and the recovery of your relationship.....
hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by rlxsn
I am coming to understand this and that is what is causing a lot of confusion for me. Thanks for writing... it's good to know there are others out there who have been where I am.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by rlxsn
I finally made the decision to stop and while she is happy that I did, she is skeptical as to why I did and thinks there is more to it when there really isn't. I just had enough.
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