notreme

I have been reading here for about two years. I'm hoping I can gain some insight from you guys.

I don't have it in me to tell the whole back story right this second and I'm not even sure it matters.(I'll be glad to answer questions) This has been going on for about 14 years (dated, NC for 7 years, dated off and on the past 3) Sober he's kind, funny, smart and my best friend. One beer and I can hear it in his voice, two beers in and he completely turns on me. I have been accused of every wretched offense imaginable over the years but generally the quacking centers around be thinking I'm better than him (I don't) and me insulting or berating him (I certainly don't mean to but I might occasionally when very angry).

He's just getting out of a 90 day treatment and last night I could tell on the phone he'd been drinking. He admitted to two beers (always two, isn't it?). We've been trying to work on our relationship (BF/GF) the past month and I said absolutely not if he was going to drink. I really feel like I have to stick with that. Of course when I said I was hurt that he was drinking after he agreed not to, he started listing all the things I'd done wrong to him yesterday. And that I was hypocritical because I drink.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like an idiot for continuing to believe that he's changed. I really felt like he had some real changes in his heart this time but I don't know what to think. Really I just wanted somewhere to share how let down I am and wonder what to do. I don't really have anyone I can talk to IRL about this type of thing. Help?

suki44883

Welcome to SR, notreme. Glad you found us, but sorry you are dealing with this. It's so hard to watch someone we care about making bad choices. Drinking right after getting out of treatment pretty much says that he's not done drinking yet.

Addicts are masterful at turning everything around and blaming us. Denial and finger-pointing, along with lying are a few of the things addicts are best at.

I'm sorry he let you down again. You deserve better. (((HUGS)))

lillamy

I want to second Suki. Yes, you deserve better. And no, I don't know why we stick around and hope that people who over and over again disappoint us will change.

There's a saying that insanity is doing the same thing over and over hoping for a different outcome. I've been that kind of insane. I was that kind of insane for 20 years.

I don't know what your reason is for staying and hoping. I think mine was largely fear. Fear of leaving AND THEN finding that he got sober and became the man I married again. Fear that he wouldn't be able to handle things on his own. But also fear of heading into the future on my own. I think for me, in a way, being bogged down by an alcoholic gave me an excuse to not be as successful as I thought I ought to be.

I started going to Al-Anon and working their recovery program for friends & family of alcoholics at the same time I started posting here -- 8 years ago. I've learned a lot about myself from that program -- both working through the steps and from listening to other people's stories. Sometimes, hearing other people say the things I think helps me see where my logic breaks down.

It was also very hard for me to talk about people IRL about this. I felt like I needed to protect AXH, like I couldn't let people know he was an alcoholic. So feel free to talk here. But I also do recommend Al-Anon. Most places, they take the confidentiality very very seriously.

FireSprite

Definitely agree it sounds like he isn't done drinking yet, and it sounds like you've faced a lot of obstacles in your rocky relationship. It is never a good sign when someone automatically blameshifts so easily like that.

So what do you do for YOU notreme? You said you have been reading around this forum for about 2 years so I'm hoping you've taken some of the ES&H & have spent some of that time building your own recovery? That really is all you can control & the one area of your life that can control completely. I hope you keep posting!

Ofelie

Wow..this: Sober he's kind, funny, smart and my best friend. One beer and I can hear it in his voice, two beers in and he completely turns on me. I have been accused of every wretched offense imaginable over the years but generally the quacking centers around be thinking I'm better than him (I don't) and me insulting or berating him (I certainly don't mean to but I might occasionally when very angry).

OMG I heard the "YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME" line so many times that it became a sort of ugly joke between us during his rare sober moments. I think the hair stood up on the back of my neck when I read your post, and I felt a bit sick to my stomach from it. Flashbacks of him yelling it at me, while I stood there bewildered trying to remember my exact words and how I should have said it better to prevent this latest meltdown. It didn't get better. It got worse. Much worse. I guess now I look back and get really sort of disgusted with myself for wasting four years on him. I got nothing but pain and humiliation and damaged kids from it. Literally. Did you know that you have a choice? That you have a choice to expect better from a person? Did you know that no matter how much you love him and how great he is when sober...the ugliness outweighs the good stuff. Its sort of like would you eat a steak if it was only mostly rotten? Kitchen sinking on his part and violating your set boundaries are something that you should probably take a good hard think about. You deserve better. It doesn't seem to be getting better, and sometimes you just gotta know when to fold 'em. I sorta figured out that it isn't really love, if I have to take such abuse alongside the pretty words he spouted in his rare sober moments. God, how I sucked them in like a cancer patient begging for another shot of morphine. Spend a few minutes watching Hammer's Letting People Go video. It is golden. I think everyone on the planet should be expected to watch it.

notreme

Thank you everyone. It is nice to know I am not alone : )

For the past year I have actually been very focused on taking care of me. I took hiatus from a very demanding career and enjoyed time with my child. I opened my own business for flexibility and generally have a much slower pace. I'm on good terms with my family and have a good support system. I'm exercising regularly, eating healthy, avoiding my own over indulgence (not bc of him, bc I noticed drinking worsens my depression and just generally gives me brain fog.)

So is it possible that I am not actually crazy and even a small amount of alcohol can turn somebody into a monster?

honeypig

notreme, welcome to SR. You're in the right place to find support for yourself. If you've been reading here for 2 years, none of this is going to be new or shocking to you. I'm also assuming you've found time to check out the stickies at the top of the page--if not, please do take a look. There's a lot of wisdom there.

A lot of times, in a situation like this, folks here will ask "well, why do you stay w/him? What do you get out of this?" Those are valid questions, and maybe thinking about them will help you make some decisions. I really like what Ofelie said about would you eat a steak if it was mostly rotten just b/c there a few good parts--hadn't heard that particular saying before!

I'd say the only thing that really matters is that your BF treats you poorly. Is it b/c of alcohol? Is it b/c he has some kind of underlying mental issue? Doesn't really matter, IMHO. What does matter is whether you choose to accept being treated like this. If you want better for yourself (and you have every right to want that), then leave this guy in the dust and work on improving your own life. Get to Alanon for some real-life support and more education about alcoholism.

One thing I can tell you w/absolute certainty is this: Any shortcomings you may have are NOT the source of his problems or the cause of his drinking.

Again, welcome, and I wish you strength and clarity.