xmrscran

Sooo...I was married to an alcoholic, dated a "recovering" addict after divorce who wasn't serious about recovery (of course, I needed to be needed right) Well I haven't dated in over a year. A casual dinner here and there but nothing more than that. So I got to talking with an old friend and he asked me out. I agreed. Haven't gone out yet but we are talking. I find out he's in AA, sober almost 2 years, goes to meetings ect. ect. Fine, whatever, great 2 years, serious about his recovery and THEN tonight we get talking about lonliness....he says he misses having a best friend and companion (understandable) But then he says, I guess we can be lonely together....am I starting the cycle all over again. I told him that I didn't want to fill anyones void anymore and that I didn't want him to spend time with me just because he's lonely and he said he wants to spend time with him because I make him happy??!! what help me!! Is this healthy for me?

chicory

Hi xmrscran,

Have you gone through any recovery work? or have you tried al-anon? You can learn a lot about healthy boundaries. I always recommend 'codependent no more' because it covers anything you want or need to know about healthy relationships, and recovery from codependency. It is an Amazing resource.

Just because he said that about being lonely together, well, that could just be a cute line he used, not meaning it literally. I think that becoming friends first is super important, if you are looking for a long term relationship.

take your time and good luck!

dandylion

xmrsscran---for someone who seems drawn to the addicted---I would say that you are skating onto some thin ice--potential troubles ahead.....

Since you asked...this is my first reaction...

damdylion

DoubleDragons

Follow your gut. It is telling you something. My husband is a very healthy man. I sometimes feel sad thinking like this, but there is no doubt my husband would do just fine without me and we have been together for over 24 years since we are teenagers. He loves me dearly and our family is his life, but he is a healthy, vital individual. I am working on being the same. Codependent relationships engulf individuals. Healthy relationships are the union of two healthy, alive people who enjoy being together, but are strong and vital on their own two feet.

lillamy

Well, my friend, I don't know what to tell you about YOU. But I can tell you that after dating a few addicts and marrying one, the next person I got involved with was a very healthy person without any addiction issues.

HOWEVER -- eight years after walking through the doors of Al-Anon, working through the steps twice, and posting and reading here for as long, I still have a LOT of codependent behaviors that affect my relationships, both my marriage (to a normie) and my other relationships.

Most of all, I think I second-guess my gut feelings. Just like you're doing.

If you have any red flags popping up in this relationship, I would honor those. Because I think you can trust your gut on this.

xmrscran

I have done some recovery work on my own yes. However old habits are hard to break as we all know. I am just trying to hard to get it right, and I'm really ready to date for the right reasons now. I know I'm ok alone thanks everyone

MissFixit

You are not invested now. Pay attention to red flags early on and stay away from them. I would not be with an A again period.

Pia

IMO I wouldn't have anything to do with him not even a "friend"

Why have friends like that.

Stung

I'm still with my husband but if we divorced I would never, ever be in another relationship with another addict. I don't care how rock solid their program is or how many years, even decades of sobriety they had. There are more non addicts in the world than addicts and yet you keep finding yourself attracted to people familiar with addiction. Why?

Tentindependent

It seems to me that your gut reaction is spot on. Why on earth would anyone make a comment like when wanting to get together with someone?!

I very much doubt it was a joke given that he has known addiction problems.

"be lonely together"...I interpret that as a big clue as to what life would be like with that person

Personally, I haven't dated in the last 2 years and don't intend to any time soon. If, and its a big if, I ever decide to get in a relationship again it won't be with anyone who needs me. I won't even be friends with people like this anymore.

I only want people around who want me, not need me. If I ever hear a line like that from anyone, this will be my reaction