JoshuaJames

Hi everyone!

First off, I want to thank everyone in advance for reading through this post and offering me any guidance you can give - I'm in a situation that I really have no idea how to respond to and really appreciate any information. Second, I guess I would like to apologize in advance for my ignorance of recovery and how the whole programs works. I've tried to do some research and educate myself on everything recently, but it has not been until very recently that I've found myself in this situation, so I'm going to be trying my best not to offend or show my ignorance too much!

So here's my story...

My girlfriend and I have been together for about two and a half years. Everything's been amazing up until very recently, and from very early on we've been on the same page with what we want, where we're going, and what future we've envisioned for ourselves. However, she'd always omitted certain aspects of her family life. She's close with her two sisters who I've grown to care very much about as well, along with some of her extended family (they live far away but she chats with cousins at least weekly). But her parents we rarely mentioned at the beginning of our relationship. I found it odd, but didn't want to push, so I left it alone.
About a year in, I found out that her dad is an alcoholic. She confessed to me one night that she'd been embarrassed and hadn't wanted to talk about it, but he'd recently been admitted to the hospital after having his 4th alcoholic seizure. Her mom, she explained, was an enabler and a heavy drinker as well. Her father had also, on occasion, been physically abusive when she was young, and she harbored a degree of resentment towards her mother for standing by while such behavior occurred in front of her.
This was all shocking to me - the young woman I knew was strong, level-headed, down to earth, compassionate, and worry-free - I was now seeing a history that I had no idea existed. I encouraged her to try to make amends with her family, but she had (at that time) no desire to do so.
Fast forward another year. Her father has had multiple trips back to the hospital - another seizure, pneumonia, as well as a suicide attempt. She's been much more open with me about everything that's gone on, and I've tried to be supportive as much as I can, but honestly I have little advice to give on such a delicate subject. We've also moved into a living situation that is less than optimal - we now live with two other guys who are heavy drinkers as well. I didn't realize the extent of it until recently, but I'm sure one is an alcoholic and (as I've also just discovered) a heavy cocaine user. My girlfriend and him have formed a relationship that I'm uncomfortable with, and she's been drinking to excess much more than I've ever seen. When I've expressed this and my desire to get out of this living situation, she's gotten upset and frustrated. The situation has been miserable and rapidly declining.
This has gone on for the last 3 months or so. In the midst of me finally having enough and getting ready to move out, her grandfather passed away. Two days later, her mother got arrested for DUI. She broke down. It's like a drama unfolding in front of me, and I don't know how to respond to it. I encouraged her to talk to a good friend and neighbor of ours who is also the child of an alcoholic, which she has done and I could not be more grateful. She's attending her first AlAnon meeting tonight.
So my question is this - what do I do? I want to be supportive, but I don't know where to even begin. I feel like so much of the conflict between us and surrounding us has come from substance abuse. Also, I still feel a bit betrayed that she hid these emotions from me for so long, and that they have manifested themselves so negatively towards me. Do I give her more time to get healthy before I make any concrete plans to leave? Or do I give her space to figure things out on her own? Of course I want to salvage the relationship if possible, but is that something I should even be thinking about right now? Or should I just focus on her getting healthy and put any feelings I have aside? I'm not a heavy drinker, but I will have a few drinks socially once a week or so, and I obviously plan on not drinking for some time while she begins AlAnon. Are there any other changes I should make to make things better/more comfortable for her?
Whew, it felt really good to get that out. I haven't had anyone to really completely confide all of these issues in and once I started typing I just couldn't stop. I'm sorry for the long post - I hope my overall feelings didn't get too convoluted in all the details. I love this person very much and want to spend my life with her, but I feel lost in our relationship and confused about what, if anything, I need to do.
Thanks again for reading, and any advice is welcomed! You'll probably see more of me on here since this community and forum seem so inviting and accepting and caring of each others' concerns. I wish the best for all of you!!

Nuudawn

I would try to let that "betrayal" feeling go as fast as possible. Given the circumstances..the woman you love is likely suffering from a debilitating sense of shame regarding her family and upbringing.

Her not telling you was her trying to protect herself..and you to some extent...from the ugliness she feels inside.

This poor woman has a a lot of stuff to deal with. Unfortunately, she may be feeling a certain amount of "resonance" with the cocaine user/drinker...as I suspect he has a whole bunch of underground darkness to deal with himself.

The fact she is going to Al-anon is great. I'm thinking a good therapist would also be a good idea.