jot

So (trying hard to make this short)... My A(X?)GF started a process of recovery last August upon an ultimatum from me (which led to addiction therapist + AA + quitting ritalin/benzos + almost completely off of suboxone now). She left me in December. We were back together early January.

Late April my step-father (a dad of mine since I was 9) passed away after a horrible several weeks stay in the hospital. It was a ton of stress and sadness for my whole family. Things had been good between my gf and I (all our words to each other were loving, etc) before and through my step-dad's death. However, she missed his memorial in early May. She didn't tell me she wasn't going to make it until it started, and her reason was long, just like so many other important occasions. I was not angry. I felt that day (the memorial) was such a culmination of sadness, stress, and loss, and all I wanted and cared about was to go home that evening and be with my woman, and curl up into a ball next to her. But the night ended when I sent her this text: "I love you. Why don't you want to see me?" Her response was long and angry and included calling me a child, and telling me to date other people. I went to sleep alone that night, feeling completely heartbroken.

I still found myself with her the following week, but she distanced herself. She stopped answering most of my calls. A couple weeks ago, I sent her a text asking her if there was another man in her life, and this infuriated her.

One of my last phone calls with her about 2 weeks ago, she basically said that she couldn't be there for me right now, and that maybe in a couple of months (after she is completely off the suboxone) we can start over. She has since blocked my calls, facebook, etc, and hasn't responded to anything. No real apologies, no feeling of closure, no reasons except that she had told me once she "wasn't strong enough" to make it to the memorial. Her last text was angry, and included things like "you have no idea what I'm going through. Somebody close to my family died, and all you think about is yourself." I offered to her the chance to say goodbye in a friendly way if that's what she needed, but said I couldn't just wait for two months for her when she is living 10 minutes away from and still maintaining a social life.

I am trying to make sense out of how she reacted on the night of my step-father's memorial. It doesn't make sense. I had done nothing wrong, only told her I really wanted to see her, and that I loved her. I am frustrated to hell over the way she chose to say her goodbye (really didn't say goodbye at all, just said angry things to me). So I am angry. I've read stuff about narcissistic personality and see a lot of parallels with us, but I don't want to believe that's who she is.

Yes - it sounds crazy that I want to be in this relationship... But things were so good with us at times, and I keep telling myself this is a part of recovery. Maybe delusional in my thinking that afterwards, things could be perfect...


I could ramble on, but I guess that's it for now...

Raider

Well A's are a finicky bunch, recovery or not. I'm sorry, you must be very hurt. Time to move on and take care of yourself. You probably don't want to but frankly, you must. She is in her own world now. She needs to concentrate on her recovery and you need to concentrate on yours. Good luck. Blessings sweet Friend.

AnvilheadII

I kind of have a rule of sorts about relationships....I can tolerate/accept one breakup/get back together...but the next break up is for good. otherwise we start to create a new pattern with a revolving door and somebody is always ditching and somebody is always waiting and it just ain't healthy.

her treatment of you before/during and after the memorial for you dad is just plain RUDE, callous, thoughtless and mean. none of which you deserve. maybe you are seeing her true colors....maybe she relapsed....but her hostility towards you is uncalled for.

lick your wounds and then move on. you'll be ok. you have a good heart. really sorry about your dad's passing.

Txhelp

It seems that she has left you NO choice but to move on.

I would suggest you moving forward..even if it's "faking it till you make it."

You sound like your deserve a partner that is REALLY there for you. Someone who cares....

jot

Thanks all. This is exactly what I expected to hear, but I guess I just needed to hear it anyway.

The hardest part of this is this aching feeling in me that is seriously concerned for her. Getting off opiates is no joke, and this is the last mile, the final sprint. I've seen family and friends go through it. Even though it is her choice, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it, and even though there has been no reciprocity of support like this, I still feel like an ass for not being there to comfort her. But I also know she must not be doing that bad; I know she's still going to events and having a social life. It's weird; maybe it's my mind that's playing tricks on me in an addictive sort of way.

jot

I am reminded of my last relationship, the one that really swung me into this whole f*ed up codependent mindset and broken boundaries (fwiw - I only recently started using the word "codependent" as I did not really know what it meant until recently).

That relationship started about 5.5 years ago. She has borderline personality I think. I met her at a bar, a friend of some friends. She had tattoos all over her body, and cutting scars down the full length of her left arm. She was beautiful, and the very first time I talked to her I could see her eyes swell with tears and emotion as she discussed her abusive childhood with me (yes, I realize this is disturbingly sad). I had recently begun my career as an engineer out of college. She was a challenge, a way for me to stay unattached during a time of my life when I was just having fun going out, drinking, and being social. She called me a preppy boy, and said that she would never date a guy like me. So that was my calling to prove her wrong, but I thought it was all in fun. I told her the second time I met her - at a bar - that I was going to marry her and take her away to New York, then to Europe with me. I didn't realize she took this all seriously until she kept bringing it up months and years later. Yes, I thought it was all in good fun. 1.5 years later, I broke up with her, and kicked her out of my house. She was passionate, so enveloped in the ideal of romantic love. She called me a robot because I would not reciprocate the words "I love you" to her. I always knew that it couldn't last. She threatened suicide many many times, cut herself twice, once in front of me (smashed a mirror on the ground and started slicing). Breaking up with her and kicking her out was only the start of the tumultuous relationship we shared. After I broke up with her, I suffered enormous guilt, realized how painful it was to her that I never told her I loved her (I cared for her in so many ways, just didn't want to say the words). Simultaneously, she became addicted to snorting pain pills with a new boyfriend (who had been a heroin addict). Around the same time, an old friend of mine - an ex from my teenage years - died from heroin addiction. Not to mention an older brother of mine is a recovering heroin addict. So I played the savior, and got my ex back, took her away on vacation with me, had her move back in with me. Still, I was horribly depressed and had developed severe anxiety issues. Then it was back and forth for her - between me and her new guy, and I think all three of us spiraled downhill badly (me with depression/anxiety - them with their addiction). One time, she came over with a positive pregnancy test (from her new boyfriend), drunk and high, bawling and crying to me about how she wanted to be with me. She came on to me, I had sex with her. Later, she got an abortion, and said I was the reason - that she wanted to be with me. This whole thing was awful and lasted a year and a half past when I first kicked her out. She is still with the same guy, and I'm pretty sure they still share a drug addiction. It still kills me, but I found a way to let go.

Anyway, the reason I remind myself of her is for this reason. My current situation just does not compare. If I could get through that and end up standing on two feet, I know I will get through this too.