Mirage74

I've posted on this topic before, especially concerning family members. It's amazing, they actively try to sabotage my recovery. Anything I mention that would entail a positive change, they bristle at and try to talk me out of it or show no interest. Rehab, moving, AA. My sibling is in AA and I feel she sabotages me in AA, talking about me, turning people against me, discouraging me instead of encouraging me. It's as if they want me to stay stuck in the same f'ing place. Hell, I may as well drink! WTF is that?


Bottom line, they don't want me to get well or recover. I think that is the epitome of selfish, sick behavior. Anyone relate to this or have someone that actively hinders your recovery so you will stay the same person that drove you to start drinking in the first place?


I know I'm gonna hear - Don't let anyone get in the way of your recovery. But shouldn't it be easier than this. Should I have to fight my family in order to recover?

anykey

Do you live alone?

I would be concerned about my immediate household.

Seren

That's an interesting question to ask within the Friends and Family forum, Mirage.

Personally, I think you are just surrounded by toxic people. Do you have anyone in your life who supports your attempts at recovery? Are there other meetings you can attend, either other AA meetings or perhaps there are SMART meetings in your area? Do you have the option of on-line meetings or individual counseling with an addictions counselor?

I can only speak for myself, but I have never hindered the recovery of any of the alcoholics and addicts in my family.

Mirage74

Thank you Seren. That is what I needed to hear. I guess my question is, is this normal? What's going on in someone's mind to hinder someone else's recovery. As in, not wanting them to change. It blows my mind.

Seren

This is just my 2 cents....bear that in mind....

I think some people are so miserable in their own lives that when they see someone else changing/improving, it is almost threatening to them. Perhaps envious, even.

Normal, no, I don't think so. Completely unheard of, I'm afraid not. I have read on these boards of similar circumstances occurring.

I'm sorry that your family and closest friends are not being supportive. You deserve a bright and sober life regardless of their attitude!

Mirage74

Thanks Seren! I wish I could find some other alcoholics that could relate. It's a serious problem. I posted in here to get the family's side. Maybe I should post in the Alcoholic forum too.

Seren

I hope other alcoholics in recovery can share how they handled it if/when they met actual sabotage efforts. I really don't know how to advise you on that except to put some distance between you and these people who are hindering your recovery.

Maybe simply not talking about what you are doing around these people would short circuit a lot of it?

Mirage74

What do you mean?

And I do put distance. Doesn't dolve the problem though. That's what I mean by "actively".

lillamy

I agree with Seren. I've heard it said here before that when people pleaders stop pleasing people, people are not pleased.

Usually that's said about Codies but I've seen firsthand how people sometimes are afraid of change in others - change of careers, moves, habits... Just ask a morbidly obese friend of mine who started working out and eating right - her family was her biggest obstacle!

I know people say "focus on your own recovery" but I sometimes think that includes limiting your exposure to people who for whatever reason want to throw monkey wrenches into your recovery.

Seren

^^^^This....

In other words, when you are around the people who want to throw more obstacles in your path, don't talk about your recovery efforts or plans. Just do what you need to do. Keep your recovery efforts private and your conversations guarded around these people. If these are family members you live with, I agree this will be difficult. Perhaps learning to change the topic of conversation would help.

Maybe if we had some idea of specific ways in which these people sabotage your recovery, it would help--if you feel comfortable talking about it.

inpieces314

I am in the same boat, for slightly different reasons. I am moving, and my family is dead-set against it even though it is the best thing for me.

I am currently arguing with my sister via facebook message about it.

Bottom line, do what is important to you, regardless of what anyone else says. I don't know about you, but my family has been the biggest obstacle to me thus far, and I no longer care what they think. This is MY life. They will either get over it or they won't, and it doesn't matter to me, because either way I will be living my life the way I should have done years ago.

Who cares what they think, this is your life. Do what you want. If they get in the way, they are not worth it. And I wish someone would have told me that years ago.

Mirage74

Well a huge problem is my sister. We're in the same town and both go to AA. When I see her, naturally she likes to talk about recovery. Problem is, her idea and my ideas of recovery clash and when we talk about it I end up wanting to punch her in the face. She's got over 10 years sober and I guess I'll call her a dry drunk. She is the most miserable person to be around. She's supposedly worked the steps but has never made an amends to me. If I say I want to go to rehab or do something I want to do to enhance my recovery, she gets angry, instead of encouraging me. Unfortunately I've put myself in a position to call on them for help occasionally. If I were successfully on my feet, I'd probably never talk to her again. But, of course she doesn't want me to be successfully on my feet! She likes me down, so she can feel superior! She hasn't just sabotaged my recovery, but other things in my life too, out of jealousy, She is a sick person. I just wish someone else would see it and tell her, besides me. Everybody else enables her behavior. Disgusts me

anykey

That is terrible!

Find meetings in some other town. Do not let her control you. You are in charge or YOU. If there is no other town- the one of yous take night meetings the other take day time meetings.

I want you to plot and plan YOUR RECOVERY. Forget about her. It is all about YOU.

Starting RIGHT NOW. Your recovery is all about YOU.

Mirage74

Thanks anykey, that's what I like to hear!

I forgot to mention she talks **** about me to people in AA and discourages people from reaching out to me. Yea, she's got some pathology or something.

ScottFromWI

Perhaps you could find another meeting and avoid your sister mirage. If you are there earnestly working the program what she says is irrelevant anyway. Spite and anger isn't helpful to your recovery in the slightest. If you can't have a respectful relationship with her don't have one at all.

Seren

Time to find another AA meeting, Mirage. Time to find others to support your recovery. If you want rehab, the Salvation Army runs a program that has an excellent reputation and it's free. Meanwhile, limiting your time around her and people who have been influenced by her is your best bet.

Bottom line, don't let this be an excuse. You deserve recovery, but you have to find a way to make that work.

Mirage74

Thanks for all the replies, it helps! For the record, I never go to the same meeting as her but do go to meetings in the same building at a different time. She knows everyone bc she's been in the program so long. I've been to the other meeting place and don't really like it either. I'm currently looking for some other meetings to go to.

I'm really looking to move. If I could find a sober house or rehab out of town, I'd go and start fresh, away from her and the rest of my family,

Wahine

When I was in my 20's I wanted to go to nursing school. For two years I went to classes at night and worked days. For two years I went to nursing school during the day and worked nights, weekends, holidays. During this time my A mom says, I don't know why your going, you'll never finish. I had matured by then. I could see graduation and the job I was going to have. I told my mom. Yes, I will graduate, get my licence, and go on with my life. You on the other hand will still be here and still be drunk.

You are moving on, these other people will not. Be patient. Eventually you will no longer need them and will be able to choose wether or not to interact with them.

AnvilheadII

part of the dynamic of dysfunctional relationships is that everyone is assigned a ROLE and by god they better stick to the script. when a member of that system begins to change in healthier ways, they are violating the CODE. and thus the other members of the system will employ CHANGE BACK behaviors - guilt, threats, put downs, any number of manipulative actions to try and reel the person back in, so all can return to the status quo.

rely on them as little as possible. that puts you in a position of obligation of sorts. get OFF FB and quit arguing with ANYONE on social media. understand you can't talk to your family about your self improvements....they aren't a safe source for you. detachment and distance are very helpful tools.

Mirage74

You're right Anvil, I think you hit the nail on the head. My role wasn't supposed to be an alcoholic. My father was an alcoholic and the rest of my family did everything possible so I wouldn't turn out like him, meanwhile making me miserable. The fact is, I've turned out worse. At least he had a family, despite his failed marriage to my mother. My family's controlling, selfish antics are are big reason I've escaped through alcohol all these years. I sober up at my age, and nothing has changed. You would think they would consider the fact that they are part of the problem. But That would throw a wrench of their inflated, aggrandized concept of themselves. They are perfectly content with the way things are. God forbid something should happen to them, I'd like to demonstrate what indifference to their malady feels like. They think if they pretend something's not true, it makes it not true. Perhaps if one of them gets cancer, I'll pretend it's not true and sabotage their radiation or chemo treatments. Wow, what a horrible person that would make me