Addiction runs in my family
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Kent
Posts: 4
Addiction runs in my family
Hi all im having a bad day and need to share my story with someone to try and off load some of the anger im feeling.
I'm 31 yrs old and grew up with an alcoholic father. He was violent to my mother and my sister and I had to witness all of it until we were about 16 and 13 respectively. We don't really talk about any of it as a family but that time was horrendous. My mum was his personal punch bag especially when he had gout and couldn't move around the house. We never had any money and I often had to listen to my mother crying because she couldn't get any more for him.
Fast forward 15 yrs and my father is in the end stage of alcoholism with a form of dementia I haven't seen him for 2yrs although I'm in contact with his social worker. Apparently he is living in a filthy flat with feaceas abouy him as a 'protest' against the carers and the social worker.
My self I have just come out of a 10 year relationship with a man addicted to cannabis and now it appears scratch cards too. Unfortunately I was in denial about his problem and had a child with him (4 yrs old and is my world to me). I'm currently in the process of clearing out our old home so I can move on. I'm angry as I cleared out his old shed today which contained 4 bongs, about £200 worth of old scratch cards in addition to bags and bags of rubbish. It was revolting.
I'm angry for the following reasons:
Why didn't I accept how bad it was earlier?
Why did I wait 10 yrs to do something?
How can he choose pot and scratch cards over his family?
Why do I have to re live my mum's life?
I blame my dad for messing us all up why can't I have a normal life like othet people?
And now I'm scared
How can I live a normal life?
Will I Always seek addicts for partners?
How can I stop this?
And the biggest fear - have I past this onto my daughter?
Sorry for the rant this is the first time I have talked to anyone about this so thanks for reading
Mel xx
I'm 31 yrs old and grew up with an alcoholic father. He was violent to my mother and my sister and I had to witness all of it until we were about 16 and 13 respectively. We don't really talk about any of it as a family but that time was horrendous. My mum was his personal punch bag especially when he had gout and couldn't move around the house. We never had any money and I often had to listen to my mother crying because she couldn't get any more for him.
Fast forward 15 yrs and my father is in the end stage of alcoholism with a form of dementia I haven't seen him for 2yrs although I'm in contact with his social worker. Apparently he is living in a filthy flat with feaceas abouy him as a 'protest' against the carers and the social worker.
My self I have just come out of a 10 year relationship with a man addicted to cannabis and now it appears scratch cards too. Unfortunately I was in denial about his problem and had a child with him (4 yrs old and is my world to me). I'm currently in the process of clearing out our old home so I can move on. I'm angry as I cleared out his old shed today which contained 4 bongs, about £200 worth of old scratch cards in addition to bags and bags of rubbish. It was revolting.
I'm angry for the following reasons:
Why didn't I accept how bad it was earlier?
Why did I wait 10 yrs to do something?
How can he choose pot and scratch cards over his family?
Why do I have to re live my mum's life?
I blame my dad for messing us all up why can't I have a normal life like othet people?
And now I'm scared
How can I live a normal life?
Will I Always seek addicts for partners?
How can I stop this?
And the biggest fear - have I past this onto my daughter?
Sorry for the rant this is the first time I have talked to anyone about this so thanks for reading
Mel xx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Hi Mel & glad you found us -- I totally get that you're angry. I would be, too.
The good news is that you ARE out of the relationship. Oh, and that you can change. And that you definitely don't have to pass down the heritage of addiction to your daughter. At four, she's probably seen and heard a great deal already, but she has great opportunity to not repeat her grandfather's and father's choices. My kids are all teens, they spent a lot longer with their alcoholic father, and they've had struggles but they're really going to be fine in the long run.
I think a good way of figuring out WHY you choose addicts as partners (I did, too) is to find an Al-Anon meeting close by. Many of them have child care available. Nobody there will judge you, or tell you what to do -- but it's a great place to recognize those things we do and believe and feel that makes us make relationship decisions that aren't all that great for us. Here's a link to where you can find them: Home Page
Also, because you grew up with an alcoholic parent, you may also find ACOA, Adult Children Of Alcoholics, to be helpful. You can find their meetings here: World Meeting List
and there's also an ACOA part of these boards here: Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I know that's a lot to throw at you immediately, but it could be a start. Quite a few of the folks who post here grew up with addicted parents and can relate to that part of your story better than I do. Sometimes it gets a little slow here on weekends so don't panic if you don't get a lot of responses immediately. There's a good bunch of sweet and smart folks here who know what you're talking about and are happy to share their stories.
Hugs!
The good news is that you ARE out of the relationship. Oh, and that you can change. And that you definitely don't have to pass down the heritage of addiction to your daughter. At four, she's probably seen and heard a great deal already, but she has great opportunity to not repeat her grandfather's and father's choices. My kids are all teens, they spent a lot longer with their alcoholic father, and they've had struggles but they're really going to be fine in the long run.
I think a good way of figuring out WHY you choose addicts as partners (I did, too) is to find an Al-Anon meeting close by. Many of them have child care available. Nobody there will judge you, or tell you what to do -- but it's a great place to recognize those things we do and believe and feel that makes us make relationship decisions that aren't all that great for us. Here's a link to where you can find them: Home Page
Also, because you grew up with an alcoholic parent, you may also find ACOA, Adult Children Of Alcoholics, to be helpful. You can find their meetings here: World Meeting List
and there's also an ACOA part of these boards here: Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I know that's a lot to throw at you immediately, but it could be a start. Quite a few of the folks who post here grew up with addicted parents and can relate to that part of your story better than I do. Sometimes it gets a little slow here on weekends so don't panic if you don't get a lot of responses immediately. There's a good bunch of sweet and smart folks here who know what you're talking about and are happy to share their stories.
Hugs!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello melkent, and Welcome!
I am not ACoA, but my mother certainly is. I can imagine how your mind is swimming right now with all the possibilities before you and worries about your daughter.
Your daughter is so young, and you have recognized these patterns in your own life. Counseling for you both and ACoA meetings for you could go a long way to making your future and your daughter's future very bright!!
I'm so glad you found us! I hope you will stick around. SR is a great place for support
I am not ACoA, but my mother certainly is. I can imagine how your mind is swimming right now with all the possibilities before you and worries about your daughter.
Your daughter is so young, and you have recognized these patterns in your own life. Counseling for you both and ACoA meetings for you could go a long way to making your future and your daughter's future very bright!!
I'm so glad you found us! I hope you will stick around. SR is a great place for support
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I believe the greatest gift you can provide to your daughter is to work on yourself. You have the power to change you and create a new approach to life going forward. As you read around here you will see so many members who are great examples of that type of change. You can break the cycle and be the role model you want to be for your precious daughter! Welcome!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Sarajevo
Posts: 76
Hi,
I believe you are on a good way to understand your position. I also - yesterday - read about the woman who walked out of those troubles victorious. I was amazed to find out the patterns in relationships within her family, that crept in the family I was born in.
From what I hear in your message, you are not married to this person. So, if you are not, then it is easier to make good decisions, since lawyers, assets and child care isn't involved.
I commend you for asking brave questions. I know the answers to them, but you might be surprised where they come from.
Therefore, I ask for your permission to quote from the scripture, which helped me in situation close to yours.
Would you let me do that ?
I believe you are on a good way to understand your position. I also - yesterday - read about the woman who walked out of those troubles victorious. I was amazed to find out the patterns in relationships within her family, that crept in the family I was born in.
From what I hear in your message, you are not married to this person. So, if you are not, then it is easier to make good decisions, since lawyers, assets and child care isn't involved.
I commend you for asking brave questions. I know the answers to them, but you might be surprised where they come from.
Therefore, I ask for your permission to quote from the scripture, which helped me in situation close to yours.
Would you let me do that ?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Kent
Posts: 4
Hi thanks for all your kind words. I'm feeling better today. My partner and I split back in September 2013 and since I have had to wait until now to move house I guess I haven't really thought about it all.
I say addiction runs in my family , but on reflection it seems domineering and controlling men seem to fit better. My mothers farther was like this, he ruled with his fists. My aunt (mum's sister) married an abusive controlling man divorced then married another who isn't abusive but very controlling. My sister's ex was an alcoholic and drug addict, but then she also at the time had her own problems with drink (all sorted now but still smokes pot). I don't have any addictions apart from tobacco which I would love to quit and will face once I feel more settled
.
My partner and I are not married I guess I never could commit and neither could he. Leaving was hard as I feared how messy it would be. 10 months later we seem to be able to communicate regarding our daughter without shouting but I fear he is only being reasonable in the hope we will get back together.
He has her overnight on a Saturday once a fought night. I want him to have a relationship wiyh our daughter as she loves him so much. If you look past the pot and scratch cards his genuinely loves her very much.
I have looked at al-anon and acoa but the former only has local meetings Tuesday at 8 pm which is too late for me (I'm up at 5:30 for work), and the latter has no meetings near me. I like the idea of acoa and their website makes sense to me but it doesn't say how I change myself only what makes a acoa.
Anyway thanks for all your help xx
I say addiction runs in my family , but on reflection it seems domineering and controlling men seem to fit better. My mothers farther was like this, he ruled with his fists. My aunt (mum's sister) married an abusive controlling man divorced then married another who isn't abusive but very controlling. My sister's ex was an alcoholic and drug addict, but then she also at the time had her own problems with drink (all sorted now but still smokes pot). I don't have any addictions apart from tobacco which I would love to quit and will face once I feel more settled
.
My partner and I are not married I guess I never could commit and neither could he. Leaving was hard as I feared how messy it would be. 10 months later we seem to be able to communicate regarding our daughter without shouting but I fear he is only being reasonable in the hope we will get back together.
He has her overnight on a Saturday once a fought night. I want him to have a relationship wiyh our daughter as she loves him so much. If you look past the pot and scratch cards his genuinely loves her very much.
I have looked at al-anon and acoa but the former only has local meetings Tuesday at 8 pm which is too late for me (I'm up at 5:30 for work), and the latter has no meetings near me. I like the idea of acoa and their website makes sense to me but it doesn't say how I change myself only what makes a acoa.
Anyway thanks for all your help xx
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