Mirage74

I need to vent. I'm struggling right now. Everybody is driving me nuts. Even when I go to meetings, people get to me. I'm thinking maybe it's my fault, but I think it's their fault. I don't want to hear it's my fault, I want to hear it's their fault. I feel like there's this battle of wills going on. I think I'm right, everybody else thinks they're right. How do you settle that? I'm not afraid to stand alone. That's what it feels like. Grr

On top of that I fired my sponsor a few days ago. I may call him anyway.

2muchpain

I went through the same thing. It was horrible!!!! I would blame everybody around me for everything. I would sit through meetings, getting angrier and angrier at everybody there, and walk out really ticked off. Than I would start thinking that drinking is better than this. Than I would start blaming myself for everything. Constantly beating on myself. I felt worthless. Than I finally realized that it's nobody's fault how I feel. I began realizing that it was the alcohol's fault. After that, I calmed down and began to relax, and focus my attention on what was really to blame, alcohol. It took me a long time to get to this point and it wasn't easy and most of it I had to do alone. It probably would of helped to have other people to talk to about this and would of shortened the pain, but that's just the way it is sometimes. Try to focus on what you can change, without placing blame on yourself or anybody else. Good Luck

Stoogy

Yes, it's a battle fought on 2 fronts, battling the booze is job one but battling our own demons that caused our addiction in the first place is also a tough fight, it takes time but you get there.

Mirage74

2muchpain, I could have written that. Exactly what I'm going through. Although I don't want to blame alcohol, I want to blame everyone else. And myself. I feel others, even in meetings, blame me, and not alcohol. Everybody's blaming everybody.

I need to take a few deep breaths. Sorry for the rant

360shoes

Hi Mirage,
You don't need to be sorry. You just sound like you are angry. That's okay. You have every right to be angry. We all do.

Most times when I get angry I don't even really know why I feel that way. I just do. Most times it also really about something that isn't what I think it's really about. If I dig down a little, a lot of times it me feeling scared. Just me anyway.

All I know is I am entitled to feel what I feel. I just need to be conscience that I don't need to act on it immediately. Its been a real learning experience for me to accept I have feelings. Try to figure out what it really was I was feeling and not act immediately because of them. Learning to hit the pause button when I feel uncomfortable for whatever reason has been a good thing for me anyway.

That and talking about it. That helps me figure me out too.

You are just fine. Rant away.

Nuudawn

So glad you posted as this thread ..your post and the responses are really helpful to me today.
Although only a week or so into sobriety. Anger is something I been dealing a long time I think. I've had my fair share of battles with depression ..and I have heard that is only anger turned inward.
I'm thinking that in this sobriety...anger is something I really need to focus on in my recovery. I grew up in a household of hostility..
At the height of my drinking I was working with penitentiary inmates...wanna talk bout dealing with anger and hostility.
I have been having and off and on again relationship with an angry man where our battles are beyond madness. Don't know why someone hasn't ended up dead.

Anger. Wow. I get it.
So sorry you are struggling with it too. Have a feeling it was that untapped abyss that needs to be addressed.

Mirage74

I've calmed down. I'm realizing some of it, a lot of it is my fault. I'll have to deal with that at some point. I have to remember, alcohol plays a big role in this. I'm starting to sober up and sometimes forget what got me here.

I don't think I'm ready to deal with the guilt yet. It's there, stuffed way down. I know it'll hit me like a ton of bricks at some point.

EndGameNYC

You either escalate and perish, or you let it go and get on with your life.

The impulse to control other people or things beyond my control often suggests my own subjective feelings of being out of control.

When I was new to sobriety and had to deal with my own anger, which I often projected onto others, someone suggested that, before I act, I ask myself, "Is it worth it?"

Dee74

Hi mirage74

I wanted to hear they were wrong too - the truth was there was wrongness on both sides.

They certainly were not right, but the way I was reacting also helped keep the cycle going...

In the end who's right or wrong doesn't really matter though.

What does matter is if you're in a toxic situation with people you need to get away from that situation, pronto.

Hows the plans coming for that?

D

krete77

Hang in there bud...it only gets better with time.

Not alcohol.