Upset All Over Again
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Join Date: May 2013
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Upset All Over Again
I feel like I've taken a step back today.
I went back to the old flat with my dad to collect a bed that belonged to him. We got the bed, locked up and left. I noticed that on the bedside cabinet where I used to sleep, he had placed two frames with photos of us in them.
He phoned me and I missed it (by accident) and then half an hour later, he phoned me again. I answered this time and he accused me of purposely not answering. I told him that this wasn't the case, I had missed it because I was building the bed back up in my dad's house.
He asked me if I had spoken to anyone from his work, and I said that I had because I needed a discount code. He then told me to ignore what other people were saying because they were just trying to stir the pot. I told him that while I was angry at what had been said to me, I did eventually ignore and not pay attention to it.
He then started again saying that he missed me etc. He asked me if there was any chance for us and I said that there wasn't, not right now anyway and probably won't be. I explained why (yet again) and he said that it was all in the past and that I shouldn't focus on the bad things. I told him that there were too many bad things (told him more occasions) and he said that he didn't mean anything he had said. I told him that they had still been said though. He asked if we could meet and I said that I would have to see what I was doing. He also admitted that he took me for granted, that he's failed because of his drinking, and that he was going to fix it. I told that he had said it too many times before. Eventually, he hung up and I felt a bit down and guilty again, but I know that I am doing the right thing.
However, he had given me back a picture and told me today on the phone that there was something for me on the back. I looked for it but couldn't find. As I've sat down to the computer, I noticed it sticking out of my folder. He wrote a poem on the back about our house and how it is now dark since I left. It sent me right into tears. I've left a nice house that we had filled with our furniture, and it was our 'safe place' as he had called it. It wasn't a safe place for me anymore, it was a place where I spent most of my time alone, worried that he was going to sit and get drunk again.
A stupid part of me that I thought had gone is now saying, 'Well, maybe give him the chance to get better' when I've given him so many chances already! I was doing really well. I have decided to move to my mum in England in July and that I was going to start a new life there.
But now - I just feel guilty and s**t all over again. The picture is of us on holiday (which I had to basically drag him on) and we were quite happy there. But I remember that we had to go to a shop to get 4 cans of beer so he could drink in the B&B. There's not a single memory of us that I can think of when beer wasn't involved.
I just want to get my money back (which he said he is going to start paying me back next week) and then to be left alone. He asked me again if I had someone else (I don't but he keeps asking) and told me that he didn't want anyone else, he just wanted me. But I don't want him and I can't find it in me to tell him that. I told him that I cannot be his girlfriend while he is drinking, and he said that he realises the problem and that he is going to fix it. Not now, but he will fix it. Does that sound like a cop out? Come back and I'll seek help eventually? I'm not falling for it again. I was beginning to get happy again and now I feel completely knocked back
I went back to the old flat with my dad to collect a bed that belonged to him. We got the bed, locked up and left. I noticed that on the bedside cabinet where I used to sleep, he had placed two frames with photos of us in them.
He phoned me and I missed it (by accident) and then half an hour later, he phoned me again. I answered this time and he accused me of purposely not answering. I told him that this wasn't the case, I had missed it because I was building the bed back up in my dad's house.
He asked me if I had spoken to anyone from his work, and I said that I had because I needed a discount code. He then told me to ignore what other people were saying because they were just trying to stir the pot. I told him that while I was angry at what had been said to me, I did eventually ignore and not pay attention to it.
He then started again saying that he missed me etc. He asked me if there was any chance for us and I said that there wasn't, not right now anyway and probably won't be. I explained why (yet again) and he said that it was all in the past and that I shouldn't focus on the bad things. I told him that there were too many bad things (told him more occasions) and he said that he didn't mean anything he had said. I told him that they had still been said though. He asked if we could meet and I said that I would have to see what I was doing. He also admitted that he took me for granted, that he's failed because of his drinking, and that he was going to fix it. I told that he had said it too many times before. Eventually, he hung up and I felt a bit down and guilty again, but I know that I am doing the right thing.
However, he had given me back a picture and told me today on the phone that there was something for me on the back. I looked for it but couldn't find. As I've sat down to the computer, I noticed it sticking out of my folder. He wrote a poem on the back about our house and how it is now dark since I left. It sent me right into tears. I've left a nice house that we had filled with our furniture, and it was our 'safe place' as he had called it. It wasn't a safe place for me anymore, it was a place where I spent most of my time alone, worried that he was going to sit and get drunk again.
A stupid part of me that I thought had gone is now saying, 'Well, maybe give him the chance to get better' when I've given him so many chances already! I was doing really well. I have decided to move to my mum in England in July and that I was going to start a new life there.
But now - I just feel guilty and s**t all over again. The picture is of us on holiday (which I had to basically drag him on) and we were quite happy there. But I remember that we had to go to a shop to get 4 cans of beer so he could drink in the B&B. There's not a single memory of us that I can think of when beer wasn't involved.
I just want to get my money back (which he said he is going to start paying me back next week) and then to be left alone. He asked me again if I had someone else (I don't but he keeps asking) and told me that he didn't want anyone else, he just wanted me. But I don't want him and I can't find it in me to tell him that. I told him that I cannot be his girlfriend while he is drinking, and he said that he realises the problem and that he is going to fix it. Not now, but he will fix it. Does that sound like a cop out? Come back and I'll seek help eventually? I'm not falling for it again. I was beginning to get happy again and now I feel completely knocked back
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I don't know how much money he owes you but it might be worth losing it in order not to get to this place of guilt and doubt over and over again?
Again - your mind is very clear when you're on your own, it's when he pops up again that you get sad and filled with doubt.
He also still acts as if your his property. Getting angry because someone doesn't answer the phone is not healthy behavior.
Again - your mind is very clear when you're on your own, it's when he pops up again that you get sad and filled with doubt.
He also still acts as if your his property. Getting angry because someone doesn't answer the phone is not healthy behavior.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Just my humble interpretation:
"he accused me of purposely not answering." manipulation
"He then told me to ignore what other people were saying because they were just trying to stir the pot." attempt to control what you hear and what you think
"he said that it was all in the past and that I shouldn't focus on the bad things" another attempt to control. watch his actions not his words.
"He wrote a poem on the back about our house and how it is now dark since I left." more manipulation
"he realises the problem and that he is going to fix it. Not now, but he will fix it." more words, no action
Yes, it does sound like a cop out. It seems to me that he wants his cushy set up again where he can drink and have someone to take care of him. If he really wants to stop drinking, your presence or absence will not get in his way. It doesn't sound as though he as actually taken any action except to feel sorry for himself. I feel sorry for him, too, and hope that he will finally take hold of his own life and his own recovery.
I hope you will be able to have a peaceful and fun afternoon....do you have plans for a walk or a trip to the library this weekend? Maybe rent a movie or go to one with friends?
"he accused me of purposely not answering." manipulation
"He then told me to ignore what other people were saying because they were just trying to stir the pot." attempt to control what you hear and what you think
"he said that it was all in the past and that I shouldn't focus on the bad things" another attempt to control. watch his actions not his words.
"He wrote a poem on the back about our house and how it is now dark since I left." more manipulation
"he realises the problem and that he is going to fix it. Not now, but he will fix it." more words, no action
Does that sound like a cop out? Come back and I'll seek help eventually?
I hope you will be able to have a peaceful and fun afternoon....do you have plans for a walk or a trip to the library this weekend? Maybe rent a movie or go to one with friends?
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: manchester
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Hi worried...sorry to hear you are upset again over him. How much money does he owe you if you dont mind me asking? You were nice enough to reply to me last week when me and my ABF split. He has not contacted me at all this time. I am hopping mad over it but it is the best way. Unless he stops drinking there is no hope. Hes just telling you what you want to hear and tugging at your heart strings and its working . Please stay strong cos if you get back together i can guarentee you will be back on the nerry go round again, posting on here about how hes making you crazy. I hope he stops i really do but actions and words and all that eh? X
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Join Date: May 2013
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He owes me just short of £2000 because of furniture we bought together. I do trust him to give me it back but I just wish that he didn't have to start saying all the crap and making me feel guilty. I just want him to give me it back and then we won't have to see each other again. Unfortunately, I can't do without it. It's on my credit card and if I have to pay it, it'll take me a long time
He is manipulating me though, isn't he? He says that he can't stop think about me but he's actually not making that much effort to show me that. Just a phone call every second/third day.
Spookyboo22 - how are things with you? Trust me, it is better to go non-contact if you can. I have to for now to get this money back but when I get it all back (or most of it anyway), then I'm going completely non-contact. He has to focus on himself and getting better, and I need to focus on my life and moving forward. I am moving soon, and I'm not going to be too far from you actually! :P I'm excited about moving, but I just wish that he didn't have to drag me back down into the dumps.
He is manipulating me though, isn't he? He says that he can't stop think about me but he's actually not making that much effort to show me that. Just a phone call every second/third day.
Spookyboo22 - how are things with you? Trust me, it is better to go non-contact if you can. I have to for now to get this money back but when I get it all back (or most of it anyway), then I'm going completely non-contact. He has to focus on himself and getting better, and I need to focus on my life and moving forward. I am moving soon, and I'm not going to be too far from you actually! :P I'm excited about moving, but I just wish that he didn't have to drag me back down into the dumps.
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Worried0810--I am so glad that you still know that you are doing the right thing--and, even able to verbalize.
Nothing will bring out the true colors of an alcoholic who is trying to win someone back like telling them "NO".
Be on the alert that they will promise you the earth, stars and the moon--but those promises will fade as fast as the dew in the morning sun!!
Next time he tries this--no need to even go all around Robin's barn to explain and defend yourself or your position. He has heard it all. He knows it. All that does is up your frustration level and make you tired. He is just pulling out all the stops in order to wear you down.
But, then, you know that, don't you........LOL! (smile).
dandylion
Nothing will bring out the true colors of an alcoholic who is trying to win someone back like telling them "NO".
Be on the alert that they will promise you the earth, stars and the moon--but those promises will fade as fast as the dew in the morning sun!!
Next time he tries this--no need to even go all around Robin's barn to explain and defend yourself or your position. He has heard it all. He knows it. All that does is up your frustration level and make you tired. He is just pulling out all the stops in order to wear you down.
But, then, you know that, don't you........LOL! (smile).
dandylion
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Agree with Seren's responses to your points, and I couldn't have written it better myself. it is 100% manipulation. This guy isn't happy that the status quo is changing; he wants you to continue to enable him.
You are doing exactly the right thing. Just see his words for what they are: Manipulation. If the guilt comes, tell yourself that you'll have the opportunity to reconsider your position if he ever manages to get a few months of real recovery, and then let the guilt and desire go.
Until then, no amount of "help" or sympathy toward him will improve the situation -- in fact, it'll only make it worse.
You are doing exactly the right thing. Just see his words for what they are: Manipulation. If the guilt comes, tell yourself that you'll have the opportunity to reconsider your position if he ever manages to get a few months of real recovery, and then let the guilt and desire go.
Until then, no amount of "help" or sympathy toward him will improve the situation -- in fact, it'll only make it worse.
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dandylion - I do know this indeed, but right now, I still need assurance that what I'm feeling is OK and how to get over it. This is my first real proper break up so I have no idea what to expect. But thank you for guiding me through it still! 
I am constantly wondering what exactly he is missing - is he missing me (the person) or what I brought to the relationship. Does he miss cuddling up to me on the sofa or does he miss me driving us everywhere so he could drink? He says that he realises the problem but that he can't fix it right now. So that is basically just him trying to tease me back into the relationship with this tiny ray of hope that he will change. I'm not falling for it and I can't fall for it. As dandylion says - it wears me down, depresses me and tires me.
Needabreak - this is a great idea. If he has a few months of sobriety, then maybe then. But I can't see him ever being sober so that will never happen anyway. I'm moving away though, I'll be 150 miles away so there's not a chance. But I'm dealing with the guilt by telling myself that I really have nothing to be guilty about - leaving an alcoholic who chose beer over me so many times to ensure my own happiness? What is there to feel guilty about?
I am constantly wondering what exactly he is missing - is he missing me (the person) or what I brought to the relationship. Does he miss cuddling up to me on the sofa or does he miss me driving us everywhere so he could drink? He says that he realises the problem but that he can't fix it right now. So that is basically just him trying to tease me back into the relationship with this tiny ray of hope that he will change. I'm not falling for it and I can't fall for it. As dandylion says - it wears me down, depresses me and tires me.
Needabreak - this is a great idea. If he has a few months of sobriety, then maybe then. But I can't see him ever being sober so that will never happen anyway. I'm moving away though, I'll be 150 miles away so there's not a chance. But I'm dealing with the guilt by telling myself that I really have nothing to be guilty about - leaving an alcoholic who chose beer over me so many times to ensure my own happiness? What is there to feel guilty about?
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This probably goes against Al Anon principles - but. If you want your money back, tell him you will communicate again with him once he pays you back. Otherwise, you may not ever see those pounds again. Then if he sends the money, communicate because you said you would. But dont feel guilty for going NC afterwards. You didnt promise him the moon.
After 18 months of xah ignoring our medical bills despite court orders - he is starting to pay them. Otherwise, I told him I might not be able to find the time and energy to get DD's passport renewed in time to see him.
It was that or get sent to court for failure to pay for our children's healthcare. :/
After 18 months of xah ignoring our medical bills despite court orders - he is starting to pay them. Otherwise, I told him I might not be able to find the time and energy to get DD's passport renewed in time to see him.
It was that or get sent to court for failure to pay for our children's healthcare. :/
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Worried - i'm sorry I know it hurts. I have gone through the exact thing just about. I think there is a manual for addicts to follow to keep us on the hook.
I got the poem, the note, the love you ,the I will cut down. . . to also I will let you tell me when I can drink routine.
Focus on you and get him out of your head as much as possible. Have him mail you a check and just don't worry it.
I got the poem, the note, the love you ,the I will cut down. . . to also I will let you tell me when I can drink routine.
Focus on you and get him out of your head as much as possible. Have him mail you a check and just don't worry it.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Worried, have you read this yet? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html
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Join Date: Nov 2010
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Alcoholics have a hard time letting go of enablers ... perhaps it's easier just to see it for what it is. His higher power is still alcohol. Nothing has changed. Alanon was a lifesaver for me, the support helped me get through this painful time to the other side. I hope you try it.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: manchester
Posts: 128
Thanks for asking how i am
Im still furious with him and myself.
We live very close to each other...about a 90 second walk.
Every time i go out of the house im on pins incase i bump into him again.
This is why im leaving the area.
Something you wrote is bothering me. In my experience alcoholics never have any money put by cos every spare penny is spent on booze. He told you he hasnt got the money but will pay you sometime. How long are you prepared to wait? X
Im still furious with him and myself.
We live very close to each other...about a 90 second walk.
Every time i go out of the house im on pins incase i bump into him again.
This is why im leaving the area.
Something you wrote is bothering me. In my experience alcoholics never have any money put by cos every spare penny is spent on booze. He told you he hasnt got the money but will pay you sometime. How long are you prepared to wait? X
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr 
Alcoholics have a hard time letting go of enablers ... perhaps it's easier just to see it for what it is. His higher power is still alcohol. Nothing has changed. Alanon was a lifesaver for me, the support helped me get through this painful time to the other side. I hope you try it.
His family does and that is why he hasn't quit. He won't let them go but with me he knew from the get go I don't approve and told him I would never date someone on drugs or an alcoholic, he hid it from me for years. Wow what another eye opener for me.
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Join Date: May 2013
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I can wait up to about two months for the money. He is an odd person when it comes to money - he hates being in debt, hates it! He always managed to have the money for rent etc and then after that, it went on beer. Tips from his night job went on beer. I trust him to give me money back.
He spoke to me tonight as well. I felt more confident messaging him than speaking to him face to face. We spoke about why I had left and what caused me to leave. He never said that he would cut down this time. I think he does want me back, but he'll not stop drinking. And I need him to. He still wants to meet up, he wants to take me for breakfast in a couple of weeks. I said that I'd let him know. I want to remain as friendly as possible until I get this money back.
His friends totally enable him. He said tonight that he was lonely and I suggested that he go round to a friends house (where he used to go for drugs) and he said that he doesn't go round there anymore. I think he's realising who was actually his friend, who supported him and it wasn't those friends who enabled him.
I was done with enabling him and refused to drive him for beer and that caused a lot of arguments. Sometimes I wonder if he had actually done enough for me to leave - and then I realise that he has. He keeps asking me to forget all the bad things, but I can't. They are too bad and too many.
He spoke to me tonight as well. I felt more confident messaging him than speaking to him face to face. We spoke about why I had left and what caused me to leave. He never said that he would cut down this time. I think he does want me back, but he'll not stop drinking. And I need him to. He still wants to meet up, he wants to take me for breakfast in a couple of weeks. I said that I'd let him know. I want to remain as friendly as possible until I get this money back.
His friends totally enable him. He said tonight that he was lonely and I suggested that he go round to a friends house (where he used to go for drugs) and he said that he doesn't go round there anymore. I think he's realising who was actually his friend, who supported him and it wasn't those friends who enabled him.
I was done with enabling him and refused to drive him for beer and that caused a lot of arguments. Sometimes I wonder if he had actually done enough for me to leave - and then I realise that he has. He keeps asking me to forget all the bad things, but I can't. They are too bad and too many.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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Sounds like he just wants it to go back to the way it was before. He would though wouldn't he cos everything was going his way till you pulled the rug from under him by leaving.
It doesnt sound like he has much intention of changing his lifestyle but he'd sure like it if you went back to him. I predict that you would break up with him again within months.
It doesnt sound like he has much intention of changing his lifestyle but he'd sure like it if you went back to him. I predict that you would break up with him again within months.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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Sometimes I wonder if he had actually done enough for me to leave - and then I realise that he has. He keeps asking me to forget all the bad things, but I can't. They are too bad and too many.
That's the craziness, huh? No commitment to change, manipulation, control ...... blah, blah, blah ..... How to get back what you're owed is a tricky one, though. I'm with the tactical approach - no contact until you get it, and then we'll talk ... or will we? Then you have no reason to talk unless you want to, but I guess you already know the answer to that - wishing you luck on this one and take care of yourself x
That's the craziness, huh? No commitment to change, manipulation, control ...... blah, blah, blah ..... How to get back what you're owed is a tricky one, though. I'm with the tactical approach - no contact until you get it, and then we'll talk ... or will we? Then you have no reason to talk unless you want to, but I guess you already know the answer to that - wishing you luck on this one and take care of yourself x
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