California Wife

Hi everyone. I have been posting over on the Naranon board mostly (I'm married to a recovering addict).But I also grew up with a critical and mean alcoholic father (He's now sober 15 years & actually a kind, decent human being). I have been attending Alanon meetings since last fall. But I thought I'd pop over here, since I'm having problems that relate to my old childhood coping mechanisms. In a nutshell I was the type A daughter who tried to be perfect in all ways. The hardest part of all, I am now realizing, is that my family encouraged this. It was never okay for me to express any negative feelings. I had to always get straight As, be thin & attractive and never gripe or admit I had a negative emotion.I always had to give 110%. I was the "nice" person. Well, now I'm in my 30s and I am letting go of as much of that "role" as I can. It no longer serves me, and I find that meeting that role is extremely stressful and unfulfilling.

My latest problem seems to be that I am still trying to people-please. The case in point is that I am in the process of career changing. The career I have been in for the past 5-6 years completely stresses me out & I'm miserable. I found another career that I might like more, and am close to finishing my education for it. Ever since I got honest and admitted to friends & family that I dislike my current job, I have caught nothing but flack. They are so upset because they identify my job with my identity I guess.And I wish I could let it roll off my back, but I can't.

I just want to be me, for pete's sake! I wish people would back off and let me live my life! Why is it that people cannot accept me for who I am? Why is it that friends and family try and change the way I feel? I'm a "grown up" now, and I know I can do what I want. But it bugs the daylights out of me that I am thought less of for leaving this "prestigious career" (I don't want to say what it is, as it doesn't really matter anyway).

I have always felt like I was placed in a role of the good daughter, and that anytime I deviate or show human frailty that it is shocking to everyone. Of course, the hardest part is my parents. I'm at the point in my life where I just want to be myself, and I am finding I'm not as uptight and perfect as everyone wants me to be. I find that I am much more human than that. And I also happen to like myself more when I can accept myself warts & all.

Obviously, some part of me is still approval seeking. I know in my head that I need to let it go. Are there any books or readings on letting go of perfectionism, and people pleasing? I am going through with this career change, because in my HEART it feels right to me. I just don't see why it is such a big deal. I'm sooooo tired of having to justify my choices in life. As the wife of an addict, and working on my own recovery, I find that I am SICK of having to explain to everyone why things are they way they are. They just are. Accept it! Obviously, I have a good deal of anger bottled up. I also feel a good deal of resentment. Even when I'm not with family, all it takes is a stranger commenting on my current "great career" to trigger the internal emotions & conflict. I know it begins with me, but how do I begin to let go? It's a more difficult transition than I thought it would be.

Thanks for letting me vent.And if you know of any readings that may help me, please share. Thanks!

bikewench

Hey CW...

To thyne own self be true.

I wish this also for myself around some relationship issues that my family doesn't want me to change.

Sigh.

It's so hard going against them cause the old way is safe.. even though I sometimes feel like I'm dying inside.

But in the overall picture.... it's six of one.. half dozen of the other anyway.. so I don't know which way to go. Therefore I'm stuck.

It's so convoluted I can't even get it down on here.

I keep praying about it.. but I'm getting no indication of which way I should go... so ...

I do know that when the time comes and I'm shown one way or another which way to go... my families opinion will not matter... cause I know that if I don't follow my intuition.. I'll end up using over it for sure. And that'll just be a whole new different set of problems..




Anyway.. I wish you the best in your new career.. and good for you for following your own mind/heart.

California Wife

Thanks Bikewench. Time to follow my heart. Outside influences can make it complicated, but it doesn't have to be.

Sending love & prayers to you too. In time, you'll know what to do in that relationship.Take care.

JT

California Wife,

Time has a way of fixing all of those emotions you describe. Not what you want to hear I know but I have been in recovery for some time now and I am constantly growing.

You are on a great path! When I am in doubt I have learned who's opinion I value and who's I don't. That may be a place for you to start. My husband Ward is not on the top of that list (altho I always look at the way my decision will impact our lives) or neither is any member of my family. I have, over time, created a circle of those I trust, "family" if you will. Those are my "go-to" people and the rest can make all the noice they want.

You do not have to justify yourself to them....just know that time will tell!

Hugs,
JT

California Wife

Thanks JT! My family has a different agenda for me. Though they mean well, you how the saying goes about "good intentions." I like what you said about having some "go to" people. That would be people of my own choosing- not necesarily my family. Thanks also for reminding me to see how things unfold over time. I have to remember that things will be revealed to me as I go. I'm new in recovery. It takes time to change & to have faith that I can handle whatever comes my way.