Stung

My husband has made it through a week of sobriety (again) but he keeps trying to act as if I'm his primary support in his sobriety. He also basically keeps asking me to take control over things which is how we used to roll but I don't want that anymore. I don't want to be his mommy, I want to be his wife, which means our opinions, thoughts and feelings each weigh 50% (with obvious exceptions.)

What is really grinding my gears though, is that he'll ask if its okay for him to tell me he's struggling (yeah, sure you can tell me whatever you want but that doesn't mean you can control my response) and then he gets seriously butthurt when I ask if he's going to drink or why he isn't using his sobriety tools. Ummm...am I the only one here that remembers that he relapsed last week, I think my questions are legitimate. If he wants a different flavor of support then he is welcome to drive over to a meeting or go read something in peace in our home or call someone from aa or [insert preferred recovery tool here] but he just wants to bitch and moan at me. I'm fully supportive of him taking extra time for himself because I understand and am compassionate towards the fact that his time probably needs to be 95% him and 5% marriage & family at this point. Cool, I understand that and support him in needing to do whatever he needs to so right now to take care of his health.

I feel like he wants me to be controlling and when I don't oblige his passive attempts then he tries to control me. Dear God, will there EVER be balance in this relationship?

readerbaby71

I have no advice for you but I agree. It does suck. xoxo

FeelingGreat

Hi Stung, have you spelled this out to him? Excuse my sexism, but I find some men don't tune into 'subtle' or body language; sometimes you have to be really clear, without being aggressive, about what support you are willing to give, and what he needs to seek elsewhere.

hopeful4

Hi Stung. Forgive me, i cannot remember, does he have a sponsor? It sounds like he could really use thar sort of support. It does suck, im sorry.

XXX

MissFixit

If he is leaning on you too much, then it doesn't sound like recovery.

Seren

Hey Stung,

Although never married to an alcoholic myself, my verbally and emotionally abusive ex used to dump all his angst and bad feelings all over me then go on his jolly way and wonder why I wasn't cheerful all the time. It's OK for you not to be the go-to dump and run person in his life....there are meetings or therapists for that.

Sorry it's a struggle right now!

CodeJob

Stung,

Probably not. For a multitude of reasons.

So might as well go surfing whenever you can and laugh at every silly moment.

Hammer

Yeah, I am still waiting to the see the announcement for the Beach Party (bring your kids and surf board) Step Study Group.

You just keep working on you, Stung.

Hammer

As seen today on Facebook Alanon . . . .

dandylion

Stung--most of us don't change long-standing habits overnight.

Hows the surf?

dandylion

Stung

Thanks everyone. I just have a lot going on without his stuff too. Sure would be nice to have a supportive husband to share MY load rather than being dumped on (thank you, Seren!)

I have not carefully spelled out what kind of support is unacceptable to expect from me and I think I'm going to spell it out very slowly when he returns from his meeting this morning. Then I'm due for some personal time this weekend. I asked my counselor if she would just hire a pedicurist to be in our sessions so I could kill two birds with one stone, but no dice.

Stung

No surfing for me for now. Apparently my skin doesn't agree with neoprene wetsuits so I need to do some research and buy a new wetsuit that isn't neoprene. In the meantime I'm going to have a few spa services done instead.

Taking5

This. Body language? That's a higher bar than anyone should be expected to deal with. I even HATE verbal hints, just fricking tell me what you want, and we can discuss it from there. I've gone as far as ignoring what I thought might be a hint from my SO, thinking if she really wants something she needs to tell me in no uncertain terms. My thinking is if you can't clearly verbalize what you want, then you aren't sure of what you want.

And yes, I agree, this is a very male thing.

dandylion

Taking5--=LOL! Your post is so male-like, that I can feel the testosterone rolling off the computer screen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

9111111

Ah Stung, am no stranger to that crazy dance. Always made me think of my 4 year old niece when she's past her bedtime and acting like a little grumpy fraggle, so tired but throws a tantrum when you try to put her to bed...Alcoholics aren't 4 year olds, so I think spa day is a solid strategy.

MissFixit

I must have extra testosterone for a girl b/c I am the same way as taking5.

dandylion

MissFixit--actually, that probably works pretty well for you when you are working with males at a peer-level, I would imagine......

dandylion

NYCDoglvr

I suggest advising him to call his sponsor. If he doesn't have a sponsor he should get one quickly then call him. He's feeling needy and should be turning to his sponsor and AA group for support, not you. In the meantime, I suggest Alanon for you, where we learn to keep the focus on ourselves and our own recovery, not the alcoholic.

MissFixit

Actually, all my professionals girlfriends are the same way, no BS just lay it out directly and we can then work to making an agreement. In my youth and twenties I was very into trying to read and analyze non-verbal cues. Since I learned not to be everyone's mother, I decided to just be matter of fact and direct with all. Anytime I have to strategize how to discuss something. I realize that I don't need to be in that relationship. No drama or high maintenance people for me. The only exceptions are bio-family at times and even then it's for short moments.

I think setting and sticking to boundaries helps. Unfortunately, it also means that sometimes you have to make decisions you don't want to make in the short term to get the longer term benefit. You also end up clearing out the dead weight pretty fast and distancing toxic people from your life. Hard short term, better for all long term.

Raider

Im in awe of you for standing by this man. I'm an A, and I wouldn't even stand by ME!!!