Morning Glory

By Robert Burney

In our disease defense system we build up huge walls to protect ourselves and then - as soon as we meet someone who will help us to repeat our patterns of abuse, abandonment, betrayal, and/or deprivation - we lower the drawbridge and invite them in. We, in our Codependence, have radar systems which cause us to be attracted to, and attract to us, the people, who for us personally, are exactly the most untrustworthy (or unavailable or smothering or abusive or whatever we need to repeat our patterns) individuals - exactly the ones who will "push our buttons."

This happens because those people feel familiar. Unfortunately in childhood the people whom we trusted the most - were the most familiar - hurt us the most. So the effect is that we keep repeating our patterns and being given the reminder that it is not safe to trust ourselves or other people

Once we begin healing we can see that the Truth is that it is not safe to trust as long as we are reacting out of the emotional wounds and attitudes of our childhoods. Once we start Recovering, then we can begin to see that on a Spiritual level these repeating behavior patterns are opportunities to heal the childhood wounds.

The process of Recovery teaches us how to take down the walls and protect ourselves in healthy ways - by learning what healthy boundaries are, how to set them, and how to defend them. It teaches us to be discerning in our choices, to ask for what we need, and to be assertive and Loving in meeting our own needs. (Of course many of us have to first get used to the revolutionary idea that it is all right for us to have needs.)

Paulie

That is great stuff MG. The thing for me is remembering in recovery that it is old patterns and not who I am. I am not the things I used to do, I am not the person that I used to be. My disease tells me different on a daily basis.

(love the swing)

Morning Glory

I've stopped my destructive behavior, but my brain is still stuck in the old patterns. That's much harder to change.

I'm still working on it and it's wonderful that life has ways of bringing the lessons.

Paulie

That is just it for me, my brain (disease) being stuck. My brain is on overload trying to screw up my life right now. My behaviours have changed tremendously, but the friggin thinking!!!!

needtogrowup

the Robert Burney post was so very true. being at the end of my life at 57, I am only 18 days off weed..and as I read posts at this site...over and over again I hear the same thing...about putting yourself first..(Knowing acutely why I have chosen untrustworthy parners..helps). I have to remind myself constantly that I can trust myself to do what I know I must do..to "grow up". I can trust myself dammned it! I will set boundies for myself..I will practice being assertive. With the help and support of others who understand...we can do it. fyi..95% of my past and present relatives are alcohlics or addicts..I HAVE FOUND A SAFE PLACE HERE! RANDA

splendra

My H an I were talking(amazing) about past patterns the other day. He was saying that he doesn't believe we have to talk about past family history to heal them. I contended that they can't be healed unless looked at and acknowledeged that we are repeating much of our parents dysfunction. He says his parents neither went to college but he did(bs philosophy) so that is proof that he broke out of the mold. However he has never had a job that has anything to do with his degree what a waste!!!His dad changed jobs alot which is what he does. Both our dads are dead even died of the same disease. His mother b!ched a lot and so did mine which I tend to do as well. My dad had a colege degree for which he never was employed (MBA).It seems like a match made in mom&dads H#ll 2 me. After I mentioned all of this together he got rather thoughtfull and said let's try to forgive them....we say stuff like stop acting like my mother or dad and be who you are...oh grow up!
I beleive the emotions are very difficult to heal. I am fortunate that I had good counseling but, they still did not teach me to not repeat my parents patterns so I went ahead and did it twice!!!:

needtogrowup

it helps to understand the why, but only with help and support can we begin to change what we first must recognize.. the cycle of coping and ways we deal with our low self asteem..is almost impossible to heal..but it is obtainable. My lack of trust in myself and fear that I am not trustworthy is devastating. I am so proud of myself for not smoking weed and doing something for myself that i have needed to do forever that it is a most enjoyable unfamilar experience. I have wanted to feel right with myself for ever it seems. I am starting to love myself more..and see that I can have needs and its okay. Its okay to take care of myself..to learn to set those boundies.

Gabe

Maybe I'm amazed. You need to change your sign-on needtogrowup. The growing is coming along just fine.

KcCrystal

I wish I could break free of my old patterns. I'm constenly repeating crap over & over again, no matter how hard I try to break free I fall back into it. My biggest destructive pattern is lieing. I try to stay straight & just be myself, but when your not 100% sure who you are, it's hard. Lieing my whole life, just to hide the fact that I lived with a drunk.

needtogrowup

Thanks Gabe..I still need to remind myself where I have sent most of my life. I don't know why at this time in my life..I've finally seem to have gotten it..Most people never reach it. My forks and many of us ACOA's who are also de-pendents and addicts, etc. never get it. My HP, timing, my willingness played a role. The wisdom, insight, and hope found here at the right time in my life seem to be HP..In my heart I have always searched for the truth and never gave up. So many times I felt hopeless and discouraged, but as I have heard on this site we are surivors. Some inter strength just refused to gave up. The seeds planted in my previous attempts at recovery were waiting to show me what we can all have.. on a gut level..where I could find what I was looking for. It seems to be rooted in not trusting or believing in myself. I am starting to feel a new found respect and love for myself. It is the most powerful, intreging, awesome feeling I have ever had. I feel getty..joyful..at peace. I have to go now. BYE love Randa

needtogrowup

Hey McCrys, boy that must be a tough one. Seeing it and admitting it..has to be a strong start. My b/f has the same problem. Maybe..slow down your responses and monitor your words. Give yourself credit for each and everytime you don't lie and be proud that you are working on yourself and making positive changes. Good luck and keep posting..have a great day..rand

Ann25

Thanks everyone who posted on here. I get so much from the posts on this forum. Seeing that Im not alone makes this all seem bearable. We all have major issues that we are dealing with--and coming together, sharing our ESH is another healthy way we are dealing with life.
Ann

needtogrowup

I just read..my response ab0ut setting boundies..I lied on that one as I have not set boundies where i live..I am a guest and if I don't like it here I can leave..being the chicken that I am..I am working on this..This is going to be one of my biggest issues. Never ever them as a child or adult..it will be really hard and take much effort and alot of time....but being aware of it...is the greatest start..for that I am most grateful. Ann you rock..girl...rand

Sad_Hazeleyes

MG,

Thanks for posting another powerful message. I just wanted to let you know that your post really made an impact on me today.

Hmmm... God must be trying to tell me something...

Sad_hazeleyes

goldneon7

Hi all,

This post really means alot to me as well, now more than ever. I have very recently broken up with a boyfriend who is really good at talking, but not good at doing--pretty much unavailable when push comes to shove. We were together for about a year, and although he was at times much better to me than any other boyfriend I've had, I have come to realize in my own recovery (eight months now on Aug 4!!! WOOHOOOO!!!--and this website led me to my 1st sober day, by the way) that I have NEVER had a "normal relationship" yet. I have always chosen people , just like this post says, who fed into my own worst fears and patterns. I am really hurting right now :Flush: because I am learning to let go of people who are ultimately not good for me, but I guess I can also be comforted by the fact that I am starting to heal--starting to choose the best for myself even if that means choosing the pain of being alone for a while over the pain of being abused.
I am really looking forward to getting stronger still, and someday being ready to attract healthy people instead. Good post!! I really appreciate it!!

Nicole