Vanduara

Hey all,

I started a thread on here last week about how I had got divorced last year (after a long marriage) and had got into a new relationship.....and my new partner didn't like me drinking. I don't drink everyday, only once every week or two weeks, but it does turn into a bit of a binge each time.

Anyway, my partner and I are calling it a day. It's too soon for me after my divorce, and I'm all confused about drinking. My partner expects me just to be able to give it up, just like that.

I still don't know if being sober is who I want to be, I'm really not ready yet. If I'm going to do it and be sober, I need to do it for me and not for him or anyone else.

I will miss him desperately (I thought I had really found the love of my life) but I also feel free now. And we were not together for all that long, it is not like leaving my marriage at all.

I know ideally I need to quit drinking but I can't do it solely for him or anyone else, only for myself.....and I have to go away and figure out for myself what would make me happy enough to do that.

Thanks for listening. X

doggonecarl

When you are ready, we'll be here.

jdooner

Well, I would want to make sure my addiction was not more important than the potential "love of my life."

Addiction works in sneaky ways.

I would never want to wake up one day with regrets.

Vanduara

You're absolutely right, jdooner. Unfortunately my mind just isn't working that way right now.

I feel he can't be that much of the love of my life if he can't accept me the way I am. Not that I expect him to put up with any old crap, but still.

Anna

If you decide to stop drinking, we are here for support.

jdooner

If you are still drinking then your mind might not have the clarity to see you are rationalizing the ability to keep drinking. Call it a day with him or whatever but at least realize this is so you can still remain active.

Like Anna said if and when you choose to stop we are here to help.

Hawkeye13

Is it reasonable to expect someone to put up with a binge drinker as a life partner?

I was one myself and eventually my spouse said "alcohol or me".

I quit rationalizing my addiction with "take me as I am" (I did that one too ) and stopped.

Best choice I ever made.


I wish you the best Vanduara.

Greenwood618

He should consider himself a very lucky man.

Vanduara

And that is a helpful response how?

I'm sorry but you know nothing about my relationship, what happens when I drink or any of my circumstances.

For what it's worth, my partner and I have actually ended up talking again and are maybe going to give things another try.

I know I put this out on an open forum and am therefore inviting criticism, but I thought this was supposed to be a supportive place. If you have nothing supportive to say then don't bother.

I was really upset when I read this comment earlier.

Verte

Hang in there Vanduara. This is tough stuff.

This time last year I was not ready at all, just had the stirrings of needed change but was clouded with a lot of other deeply, equally emotional ongoings that only I can know about myself. Putting myself 'out there' in any capacity for scrutiny or advice was not an option for my sense of well-being.

You are very brave and strong. Remember this always.

Here I am today and it is the best choice for me and feels solid, while feeling tenuous, if that makes any sense.

I'll be here as well when you are ready!

Vanduara

Thanks, LeTheVerte. Hugs right back at ya!

biminiblue

Vanduara,

If I was in a relationship with a binge-drinker it would be a deal breaker for me.

Can you put yourself in his shoes for a moment?

Vanduara

biminiblue, absolutely. I know it's not acceptable to ask anyone to put up with that, hence why I'm here and trying to get help.

I just don't know if I have jumped too quickly into a relationship after a hard divorce. I find it hard to make a decision about sobriety / my life at the moment.

I always had a tendency to go overboard drinking, but who doesn't in Scotland (at least it feels like that, sometimes)? But the real serious stuff only started with the process of my divorce last year, which I am without a doubt still getting over.

I just feel I can't commit to absolute sobriety yet in a new, untested relationship, until I get to know myself again first, you know?

Having said that, my partner and I are still talking.

HeadLump

I'm really glad that you're thinking of giving your relationship another go.

I can understand that you want him to accept you as you are, including the odd episode of binge drinking, but it could be that he is worried about the harm you may do to yourself when you are drunk.

I was a pretty heavy binge-drinker when, at almost 48, I finally met the love of my life. He was nearly 59. He accepted that I was a drinker but he didn't always like it. As my drinking started to spiral, he worried about me drinking on nights out. Then I started sleepwalking and he worried that I might fall down the stairs and be badly injured. After I gave up drinking, he was so much happier and told me things he could not have said before. He rarely enjoyed drinking with me, as once I started,he would stop so that he could look after me. He said that he had waited all his life to find me, his 'perfect' partner, but had quietly resigned himself to being alone again before long as he was convinced that I would die early.

I don't know what happens when you binge-drink, but it could be that he sees things you're not aware of and he's worried for you

Keep treading softly, Vanduara xx
,

Nuudawn

As I myself am having "partner issues" I clicked on this thread hoping for resonance. I have decided on sobriety.. and last night, after an extremely unfortunate incident with my man, I wanted to drink myself into annihilation. And today I realize that this relationship THREATENS my sobriety like no other..

How interesting the contrast.

I find your questions about the wisdom of getting into a new relationship whilst still grieving another to be sound ones... but you have only put out his issue with your drinking as the dealbreaker.

Gosh..I can't imagine the difficulty you are BOTH facing If he wants to work it out, obviously his own line in the sand is blurry which makes it difficult for him.
It is difficult for you because sobriety is very much a YOU decision.
I empathize with the situation for both you nevertheless..

Endings are very difficult and although relationship requires compromise..these are biggies for both of you.

Bright blessings...glad you posted.

vickys1972

That's so brave Hun good for you.. I had a relationship like that think of yourself x

Vanduara

Thanks, everyone, for the lovely responses.

NuuDawn.....*sigh* I just don't know what the answer is. You are right, the only big red flag between us is my binge drinking. We get on amazingly well otherwise.....in fact we even get on well when I am drinking, although in a different way. My poor man cried his eyes out this morning over me drinking......he says I'm so brilliant and talented without drink and that I have such a brilliant life ahead of me if only I could slay this demon. It gave me a big shock to see him cry like that, he was actually sobbing his heart out.

He is a big, proper mature man, too, and a good bit older than me (he is early 50s, but comes across a lot younger, he's extremely slim and good looking) and I am late 30s.

But yes, when I am sober we get on *amazingly* well. We cook together (we both love spicy food and curries), we are both readers.....indeed when I'm in a sober phase we can get into bed at 9pm and both be sitting reading our books, just utterly content in each other's company. We like similar authors so we read the same books sometimes and then discuss them. It's brilliant! My ex husband was not like that at all, not a reader and we actually had nothing in common, now that I think about it. So to meet someone so suited to me is awesome.

But, like I say, I've maybe not given myself enough time to get over a long marriage and get to know myself again first before jumping into another relationship?

And I feel that until I get to know myself again, I can't make big life decisions like giving up drinking completely.

Nuudawn

Despite the fact I am pro sobriety as a means to really and truly know yourself, I cannot fault the notion that you must make both decisions for you..and no other.

Sigh...personally, I only wish I had a man, such as you describe, that I could find peace and a more secure sobriety with

Vanduara

Thanks, Nuudawn, you are awesome.

I know I am SO lucky to have a man like that. I wish I could just switch this thing off and be normal again.

If I do decide to go with sobriety, my man is totally there for me, 100%. He told me that this morning. Why can't I just embrace that? Why am I choosing a bottle of vodka over a lovely man like that?

Aargh! The insanity of this thing.

Nuudawn

Cuz the booze battle is a giant biotch.