PunchDrunk

I really need some input and guidance on something, and I hope you can help. I'm a long-time lurker but a first-time user. My husband is an alcoholic who is content to drink himself into oblivion, saying that everyone else has a problem with him so he must be surrounding himself with idiots, and he curses everyone he knows and drinks more. I've been the recipient of so much verbal abuse, and three weeks ago he said he'd kill me so I called the police, who arrested him, and he had a long conversation with them and walked on his own to the car and then blew a .26.

I just don't understand the mindset of an alcoholic, I admit. I just don't get how someone can choose to live like this, day after day, year after year, in denial, angry with the world, taking it out on the person they supposedly love the most, and then get furious and nasty when there are consequences.

He's not coming back until he's been through rehab and is sober, and I expect that he'll never come back. I won't waver though.

Please help me understand how someone can live like this and just not see the damage they've done to everyone.

biminiblue

Very sorry you are in this type of situation.


Alcohol destroys emotions. He is literally in a state of insanity. There is no way to act in a rational manner when someone is an alcoholic. Too many brain changes have occurred. He needs prolonged sobriety and treatment to ever have a normal relationship again.

ladyscribbler

I don't know if I can help you understand, I'm going through something similar with my ex. I left about 8 months ago and he's still drinking and progressing in his disease with no real understanding of what he's doing to himself and those who have loved him.
We talked about that in one of my Alanon meetings. Understanding that it's a disease and beyond that there is no understanding the why of it. A healthy mind wouldn't make the choice to keep alcohol in their life to the exclusion of everything else- friends, family, jobs, education, freedom and in the end, life itself.
So sorry to hear you're going through this, but you're in the right place. Doing what you did takes incredible strength, but it was the right choice for your family. Hugs and welcome.

jacrazz

It is very frustrating to understand the mindset if the alcoholic. Please read and educate yourself. I am currently reading "The Truth About Addiction andRecovery" by Stanton Peele. It is a very enlightening take on the "disease" model of addiction. I highly recommend it.

honeypig

PunchDrunk, welcome to SR. I think you'll find this board to be a great resource for education and support for yourself.

Regarding your question above, I don't know that it particularly matters whether or not you understand how someone can live and think as an active A does. What does matter is whether you choose to allow that level of sickness in your own life and that of your children, if there are any. You didn't cause his alcoholism, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. (This is known as the "3 C's" in Alanon.)

The one person you do have control over and can have understanding of is yourself. It sounds as if you're pretty sure that you don't want to allow any more of his insanity into your life, and that's a great starting point. However, most of us find that simply removing the A from our lives was only a beginning, and true recovery involves so much more.

You say you're a long-time lurker here, so I'm guessing that you've already seen the recommendations to read the stickies at the top of the page and to check into an Alanon meeting in your area. I hope you'll do both of those things, if you haven't by now, and I also hope you'll continue to read as much as you can here and post as often as you like.

Wishing you strength and clarity in the days ahead.

desypete

the only way i can describe to you what your dealing with is
a huge overgrown spolit bratt child

they want there own way on all things and will only be happy when its all going to there way, and thats just sober living

add drink on top of it as drink gives them a huge feeling inside that they crave more and more off once they have a taste for it
its to strong for them to resist a bit like opening a bar of choclate taking a bite and then wrapping it up again like some people might do but for the alcohilc they will undo the wrapper and eat the whole lot and look for another bar to fill there hunger

the more they drink the more they want they dont have an off switch to limit them to say 3 or 4 drinks and then stop

now when anyone gets drunk we can all make a fool of ourselves alcoholic or not, but the difference is the alcoholic didnt choose to get drunk. and he or she honestly doesnt know why the ended up in that mess, he or she will swear off it and mean it only to find there back at it again as that feeling booze gives them is just to much for them to resist and on and on it goes getting worse and worse the longer it goes on until in the end people dont want to know them the lose family friends there jobs and for some there lives rather than do without that feeling the booze gives them

but for me once i found out that drink just doesnt agree with me and it all starts from picking up that first drink then it started to make sense as i thought i was the only person in the world who did this time after time
hurting all the people i really did love but i never knew how to show them love

i have to learn how to live in my life without booze and i have to stop trying to get my own way daily
this is what i have found out about myself as an alcoholic and much more besides
its a long job to change people and only them themselves can do it if there ready to accept help
alcoholics also have a huge sense of pride and will try to do things and fix themselves on there own i have tired it many times to stop drinking on my own and while i might do it for a while i ended up drunk again
simply because i hadnt changed at all as a person i was still that big spoilt bratt of a child but who wasnt drinking

dandylion

PunchDrunk---You have done the right thing.

Addiction is a disease that erodes the mind and body and the spirit of its victims. If it isn't arrested by sobriety---it can leave everything in it's wake, eventually--including values and morals. All the while, the alcoholic seems oblivious to this reality.
To the non-addicted who have loved them and expect "normal" behavior and reactions from them, there is gut-wrenching pain to try to wrap your mind around this. We ask ourselves Why?!..Why?!! Why???!!!....the only answer is that the brain is diseased by the addiction.......

PunchDrunk....we understand what you are going through. I hope that your husband will reach for recovery....and that you will continue to take care of your own welfare.
It will not help him or yourself for you to continue to suffer from this disease.

Please stay around.

dandylion

tabac210

PunchDrunk, you will find support here--you seem to already have found your courage! Good for you.

I confess although living with an AH for 16 years before rock bottom ended in the loss of his job, his nursing license, and almost his life at his own hand, I still don't fully understand. I tried for most of those 16 years to "force" the issue but recovery didn't happen until he was ready. I am not unintelligent, but it took me a long time to get it. "It" for me includes this isn't my fault, this isn't my responsibility, and I can't fix it. There is more "it" to come as we are only about 4 months into sobriety.

I thought I would never understand how such a wonderful man could essentially try to kill himself slowly and every day. Then I went to rehab with my hubby on "family night" and began to read--starting here at SR, then other information that SR posters guided me to. I now realize that this is a disease and not a weakness or lack of will power, or just plain old fashioned stupidity. No one chooses to repeatedly break loved ones hearts and the denial that comes with the disease justifies everything in the alcoholic mind.

I continue to educate myself, reach out for support both here and with friends who understand and support us. Since my husband has been in recovery, our relationship is better than ever. We are facing bankruptcy, loss of our home, but we stand stronger together now than when our existence was muddled with alcohol and opiates. I don't know what the future holds, but I know the future will be better than it was when we had no financial worries. 5 months ago I was trying to plan my exit from the relationship. Sounds crazy, but now I feel that even if we end up living in a car, our future is brighter than ever.

I hope your husband is ready and sending all positive energy your way that you and your family will be in a better place soon.

Seren

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hinking-3.html

Hello PunchDrunk,

Trying to 'figure out' an alcoholic is something we may never be able to do...but I thought this article might help some. Please take good care! -S

Pia

Hi - I am wondering if alcoholism/addictions runs in his family?

My XAH has it on both sides. He has seen it and doesn't function and understand what he is doing because his brain is altered and also his family upbringing.

His Family- It's ok to get drunk and do drugs just don't drink all my beer and do my drugs unless you are buying the next round.

Do you see the difference?

tabac210

Radiant--Yes it definitely runs in families; my RAH says he learned to drink as a child...of an alcoholic. His mother died of acute liver failure at the age of 44 when he was 15. Pretty much to the day of his 44th birthday, he entered recovery.

Is it nature--an actual chemical imbalance in the brain? Is it nurture--you're raised in it so it is "normal"?

It's both IMO. I believe that the reason my mother, who was raised in a horribly abusive & neglectful A household, never became an alcoholic (even though she obviously suffered from depression & anxiety her whole life) is because she never picked up a drink. I believe the reason my father who was raised by a violent A father never became an alcoholic although he has the occasional beer (2 beers once or twice a week) is because his brain chemistry is different.

The bummer about it is if someone is schizophrenic, society understands because its a mental illness--no questions asked. If someone struggles with addiction, they are <insert your derogatory label here> (lazy, a bum, weak, etc.)

Hammer

If it is any comfort, typical numbers are that well over half of Long Term A's have Personality Disorder type Mental Illness. That is just about one step back from Schizophrenia on the List-of-Things-You-Do-Not-Want-to-Have. And can be generally tied to some brain developmental disorder and inherited genetic hardware.

But that does not change much in any practical sense, does it? Maybe points to some hope for the future.