barefoottoday

I feel so weak today for not being able to make any decisions regarding the boundaries I set with my boyfriend who is a heroin addict. I had kicked him out and took the keys to his work van (that's in my name and we owe money on). He was at his mom's for ten days but was using the whole time. I decided to let him come home because I wanted to believe he wanted to stop using, and I felt guilty that his mom was involved (even though I knew it was her choice). He was sober for 2 days, mainly due, I believe, to him being with me the entire time. His first day back to work, he used. He said it ess to "get well" blah blah. Got 6 days worth of suboxene...and went right back to using.

I haven't confronted him about it yet. It's been 3 days and though he thinks he's hiding it well, he is not. He may only be using a little bit so that it's not so obvious, but I can tell. I didn't even need to snoop and look at his phone records to confirm he's still calling his dealer (though I did).

I had set my boundary with him. If he used again, I was taking the van and telling him to leave, period. I'm not ruining my credit or risking being liable for an accident in the van while he's high, etc.

But I haven't done anything, said anything. Part of me decided I needed to wait until the weekend so I don't have to get up and go to work after what I know will be an emotional nightmare. So tomorrow is Friday. He has a job on Saturday and is going to his mom's because he has his daughter this weekend. And I'm trying to plan it in my head to make it easier...for him! What the hell is wrong with me?! Why am I making excuses? I don't even want to confront him because I can't stand being lied to and I'm sure he will have some good story cooked up. And I don't want to confront him because I don't want to lose him. But I know I will lose him anyways to heroin. He's not going to magically stop one day because I'm not confronting him! It is only going to get worse. I guess I could wait for worse. Wait for him to lose his job on his own, get busted, wreck the van, od...any number of things. But that would be so stupid.

I don't want to be in the position that I'm in. I don't want to be dealing out consequences! But I also don't want to risk all the things I've worked so hard for, and I don't want to risk my or my son's safety.

It's funny, he and I have had philosophical discussions about people and consequences. He knows I want to believe that people will do the right thing just because it's right. He says people don't work that way, it's the consequences that motivate them. He's even said it himself, heroin is the best thing in the world...and he would do it every day...except that every time he uses, his life falls apart. So what the heck is he doing now?! Pretending he's "got it" this time?

I don't know why I'm even trying to understand this.

Thanks for listening to my ramble. I'm tired of feeling weak. I feel like I'm asking god for guidance and strength (which isn't easy cause I'm not sure how much I believe in God, though I've been praying so much lately!) but it hasn't gotten me anywhere.

barefoottoday

I think maybe I'm still trying to control outcomes. I think maybe I think I understand powerlessness, but I still haven't accepted it...

hopeful4

He does not think it out at all. His body wants it and he gives in. That's it.

Don't see it as a consequence for him so much as saving your life and sanity for you. You gave him an ultimatium, you have a choice. Don't follow it, or do. That's really it. However, addicts are like naughty children, if he sees you gave this ultimatium and did nothing, he will keep doing that over and over.

I hope you go to naranon or CR or somewhere to get face to face support for you. You deserve more.

XXX

barefoottoday

I go to Al-Anon, I went last night because I thought I was gonna freak out! Part of me just wanted to scream and yell and smash things...but really that's not how I want to approach things. Going to a meeting made me feel so much better. And I do have people I can talk to about things, which I'm so grateful for!

I find it hard to believe he wouldn't know that I know. This is all so ridiculous! But I'm trying to take care of me, I am taking care of me. And I don't want to make empty threats. When I confront him, I need to be strong enough to stick to my guns.

greeteachday

I struggled with the idea of boundaries for awhile. I thought of them as a set of rules and there were consequences if the rules were broken. And I too didn't want the confrontation - didn't want to be the enforcer.

It finally became clearer to me that boundaries were for me - they were things that I could or could not accept.(I will not accept verbal abuse. If you become verbally abusive, I will leave the house. I will not jeopardize my job by taking time off to sit with you while you detox) It may be that my choice if a boundary was crossed would not make my loved one happy, but the action I was taking was to protect me - physically, financially or emotionally.

Maybe you are not ready for the boundary that if he uses, he must leave; it sounds as if you don't want him to go. As you said, you may be struggling with trying to control the outcome (perhaps something like if I tell him that, he will stop using so he doesn't have to leave?)

I found it easier to start smaller and work my way up as I restored my sense of self and recovered from the battle fatigue I felt with the horror of dealing with opiate addiction. I didn't announce my boundaries - the idea was they were my choices, not my loved one's consequences.

Your failure to act doesn't mean you are weak! You are strong and deserving of a better life. Think about what works for you and I know you will find a way to get to that point step by step.

AnvilheadII

But I also don't want to risk all the things I've worked so hard for, and I don't want to risk my or my son's safety.

this ^^^^^

all you need to do is switch out your FILTER...instead of worrying about HIM and HIS issues, HIS drug use, HIS potential, HIS feelings...

run everything thru the filter of your SON. what is best for HIM? his now, his future? his safety, security and serenity. does he not deserve a drug free/addiction free/HEROIN free childhood?

you gotta make a choice here. it shouldn't be too hard....addict adult or defenseless dependent child. I don't say that to be harsh, but to get you to remember there is more to life than one addict bf.

chicory

Then why take the chance of it?

If your child is negatively affected... and he will be, since your mind is always on the addict, and not being present for your son is a direct consequence of that.

I think you have a tender heart, and want to help, but he can help his self if he wants to. but he chooses to do the drugs. your son is an innocent bystander, and his safety is your first priority, as a parent.

your boyfriend sees you giving in, and is going to disrespect your boundaries, until you have had enough.

perhaps taking your van, and backing away from the addict , as they say, will bring you peace. Give your bf the gift of consequences that he his self admits is the only thing that works.

you can get so caught up in trying to fix them, that you lose sight of the things that are within your power. focus on your son, and you will do the right thing.

I know it must be really hard. but its harder if you keep your eyes on him, and not you or your son.


Your post title,,Feeling weak.... I have noticed , in my own experience, that if I am feeling weak in a situation concerning my a son, it is a sure sign that I am doing the wrong things. just my own observation.

Hawkeye13

I hope things go well for you today.

Be strong for yourself and your son.

mejo

I too have trouble with boundaries. But lately, I have been doing better. It is hard work, and scary because we don't know what to do, or wonder if we are making the right decision. Trust that you will feel better when you work at trying to stick with your boundaries.

I am sure he does want help and does want to be sober. But don't base your decisions on words, try to base them on actions. Remember, when they are in active addiction, if their lips are moving, they are lying.

Sadie33

Barefoot, your post post really hit home for me, because what you wrote is the exact same way I feel about myself and opiate addicted husband. He recently relapsed and i always said if he did drugs again that would be it, he would have to go. Yet in our home he remains. I listen to lie after lie, and watch a ridiculous amount of money get wasted on his addiction. I don't tell anyone in his family or mine out of shame and embarrassment for him and me. Like you I feel weak. All I can say is focus on yourself as much as you can. And set boundaries that feel right for you, not what you think you should be doing. Also, for what it's worth, I believe in God, and sometimes will feel he's not listening. But then some of the darkest times of my life have been followed by the lightest.

bellanoviella

I am so sorry barefoot.. I know you were giving him a last chance because you loved him and you felt like it's what you should do, what you wanted to do.. I don't know if he needs to hit rock bottom to realize it isn't worth it, or what. But he's obviously perfectly okay with using right now. And you DO deserve SO MUCH BETTER. My bf has been clean for a week now, and he's not back in our house, I don't plan on allowing him back in for a least a while.. And that's been the hardest decision. I still see him every day, and before I leave his sponsors house, I want to just take him with me and physically be with him again.. But I'm trying to stick to my guns. No matter how hard it is.

I'm not gonna tell you the same bullsh*t (even though I know it's true, it's not bullsh*t, but it's just like a broken record on this site), that he won't change for you, he will only change for himself. You KNOW that. I'm also not going to tell you you need to focus on yourself, because you know that too. Keep going to the meetings if that gives you some peace. Do whatever you need to do.

We're all here for you, message me, post a thread, anything! Please take care.

Txhelp

I don't know one person, with an addicted love one, that has struggled with boundaries and felt weak!

You are NOT alone.

Some of us it takes time and is a process and others are better at it. I have seen it as process, for me, and I am really quite good at it now. However, I do regress.

He doesn't sound like a safe person (financially, legally, or emotionally).

What does his actions show?

BlueBones

Sending good thoughts your way. It can be SO hard to pick boundaries and stick to them with your emotions getting in the way. It is also really frustrating when you do set boundaries, but later find yourself unable to uphold them.

Although it doesn't feel very good, it seems to be a normal occurrence when dealing with an addicted loved one. You will find what works for you and I agree with previous posters, thinking of what is best for your son will help you along with that process.

Good luck!

barefoottoday

I really appreciate all the words of support. I think that focusing on my son is really a good way to get and keep things in perspective. Even having my family in town visiting this week has helped so much. I love spending time with them, and I can actually be in the moment and present. It's hard to realize how focused I can be on my bf, even when I think I'm not...it's good to get called out on it. I feel like I'm learning so much about myself, maybe not things i wanted to learn, haha.

chicory

barefoot,

It really hard not to focus on them. We sometimes are so desperate to help them, we lose ourselves.

I hope you have a wonderful time with your family!
hugs.