Needinghelp82

So he has been very supportive and was the one encouraging me to get help. He came to my GP with me to explain the extent of my alcohol problems and has been a tower. The last few days, not so much.

I'm not drinking but he has said he is unsure he can support me - last night he went out with friends and drank A LOT of whiskey. He deserved it for being supportive apparently. Now everything is my fault - he is unsure he wants to continue the marriage because of my drinking (not drank for a week - early days but trying). He wants our marriage to remain because of our child. I don't know whether he means this or because he is still hungover.

Heartbroken...

AZliving

Needinghelp82 - one day at at time. congrats on a week of sobriety! You are doing great.

Sounds like you need to find people that understand what you are going through.

I needed help and I reached out to AA. You might want to try attending a meeting.

(((Hugs to you)))

flossyfressia

I think people go through tons of different emotions at difficult times. Just try to concentrate on yourself and your health.

Well done on a weeks sobriety too! That's great and you should be really proud xx

Anna

It's really hard for others to be understanding of what we're going through, so try to be patient with your husband. I'm sure he is also unsure and confused about where things will go. I hope that neither of you will make any quick decisions regarding the marriage until you've both had some time to live with the new sober you.

At any rate, all you can do is to focus on your recovery and move forward and be there as a good mother to your child.

HeadLump

(((((((Hugs)))))))

I think it's early days for both of you and feelings are running high. Go softly and give it time. Your being sober is not only changing your life, it's changing his, too xx

hopeful4

Congrats on your early recovery!


It's likely he cannot be your support system. Can he and should he encourage you? Definitely. Should he go get wasted on whiskey....no way.

However, he needs his own support as do you. Someone who can truly understand what you are going through and be your rock. A spouse is much too tied into the situation and has their own set of issues to deal with.

Can you pick a time where you are both calm and sit down and assess the situation and come up with a game plan together? Then it's fair to have expectations for you both to stick to.

Good luck and God Bless!

Vanduara

Aw, needinghelp82.

I don't know what to say to you, except that I remember being in a kind of similar situation in my marriage (we got divorced last year). My ex-husband was great at criticising my drinking.....and to be fair he could go months without it and sometimes just have the odd beer....but a few times a year he would get absolutely bladdered as well, and I mean 'having to help him upstairs and get him undressed bladdered'.....but that was fine for him, of course. I remember being sober and having to get him to his bed on one of these occasions and, to be fair, realising how horrible it must have been for him when I was drunk.

As I've said on here, my new partner doesn't like my drinking. He used to drink years ago but now only has the odd beer once every few months (why? Says my alcoholic brain, lol).

I don't know what the solution is, I really don't.

I just wanted to let you know that I know where you're coming from.....that feeling that your husband is being somewhat hypocritical?

gvrecovery

Emotions are all over the place in early recovery, and you seem to understand that it hasn't always been much fun for him, so be patient and remember that sobriety is the first priority.

Hawkeye13

give it some time and focus on your recovery
you've made a great start, but don't use his actions as an excuse to backslide

Dee74

Hi needinghelp

As hard as it is on us, recovery might be even tougher on our spouses. It's pretty hard for someone 'on the outside' to understand this...there may be a lot of resentment and miscommunication.

The good news is.. things do get better...relationships can be mended and reputations regained.

I really believe in this, actions speak louder than words.

I know it sounds a little counter-intuitive but focus on yourself and your recovery - if you're like me, you will find that a lot of this stuff will fall into place behind that commitment to staying sober

D

MIRecovery

I have to stay sober for me. People can choose to support me or not.

Sober people can have major problems when an alcoholic gets sober because it completely changes the power balance in a relationship. The alcoholic is no longer paralyzed with guilt and shame and we start to assert ourselves.

My marriage survived it but things were pretty scrambled for a while

Needinghelp82

We need to sit down and talk - we barely have this morning. Just done the usual get child ready for school, him for work and off they go. He said thanks for ironing his shirt but that was it.

I don't know what to think. We've been together for 12 years.

Day 8.

Dee74

Give yourselves time needinghelp

I was a hundred different people with a hundred different version of what I wanted in my first 100 days.

My advice is find out who sober you is first before you make any life altering changes

Needinghelp82

Thanks Dee.

I do believe we can work through this, we've been through a lot over the years. I know long term though I cannot be with someone only for the sake of our child. I need to know if he meant that because, if he did, it's not going to be possible to save. That isn't making a rash decision, just I know myself and what I need.

DisplacedGRITS

Well, there could be a lot of things going on with him. Perhaps, he's unsure of what to expect with your newfound sobriety. Maybe he's anticipating a relapse and the stress that will cause him. Maybe he's afraid that you'll just be going through all the difficulties we experience in early sobriety forever. There's a lot of change and uncertainty that happens when a loved one gets sober.

For me, I have to remember that no matter what happens in my life, my sobriety has to come first. If I'm not sober, I can do anything about living a happy life. If I'm drinking, I can guarantee that I'm miserable, no matter how good or bad the relationships in my life are. Stick to your program, keep taking those sober actions and let him come to see that you're not joking about being sober.

Many loved ones find the support they need in Al-anon. No one in my family goes but my husband does accompany me to the odd open speaker meeting and attends some of my sober outings. I had to stop making promises of sobriety to him. I just can't make promises anymore because I've broken my word so many times. My program is one of action. I gotta keep taking sober actions and let that work as it will in my life.

Sometimes, when my life is turning upside down and people are not behaving the way I expect them to, I just gotta focus my vision on the path ahead of me and take those steady steps forward.

Treerat66

Hi Needinghelp,
Well done on 8 days, keep adding those days.

Needinghelp82

We have had a brief conversation tonight and agreed we will talk tomorrow when our child is at her ballet lesson with grandma.

He apologised for what he said but has said he finds me very different - even though I'm only on day 8 it has been over three weeks since I drank ridiculously. He is pleased but, as to be expected, I'm far more reflective and conscious of decisions we are making. He hasn't seen me like this for over a year.

I'm committed to my sobriety and he knows that. It has to come first. He is going to stop drinking apparently.

hopeful4

Needinghelp82, you said it has been 8 days since you drank ridiculously or since you drank? There is a big difference. I say that because I know my reactions to my X husband were very negative when he would drink AT ALL because I knew he would eventually lose control of it again, every single time.

I am not saying this is what is happening, just read your post and am curious. I think it's great he is going to stop drinking. Possibly this task is something that is also causing him some distress. Many times when you drink on a regular basis, you can realize it is more of a problem than you thought.

Just some thoughts. I agree your own sobriety has to come first, don't change your thought process on that at all!

XXX

Needinghelp82

8 days since I had one drink, over three weeks since I drank more than that.

afloatsober

I found that one of the benefits of having face to face support was that it took the pressure off my partner. Otherwise all they got was my struggle, my recovery, my progress etc etc...
I was using my partner as therapist, sponsor, sober friend, confidant and sometime GP.
No wonder she got tired of it. Especially since she could never fully understand the illness!!.
Now i share most of that stuff with fellow recovering alcoholics.
G