Newbie need advice!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2
Newbie need advice!
Hi hoping I'm in the right place and hoping someone can help me I came across this forum through desperation. Me and my husband have been married for 8 years and have 3 young children age 5, 4 and 7 months. My husband has been drinking heavily for the last 2 years. He acknowledged he had a problem fairly quickly and finally in March this year he entered a 6 week rehab programme. After he left he attended 1 aftercare meeting and didn't bother doing anymore probably as a result of this lack of effort in his recovery he relapsed at the weekend.
I feel like i want to leave him as I don't feel I have the strength anymore I just want to have a normal life for myself and especially my children. Prior to his rehab his binges lasted weeks on end and he was in a terrible state. I won't allow in the house when he is like this as I want to protect my children from it! He is right back where he was and I feel like if I leave him for good then he will die. He is on about day 3 or 4 now and he is doing the usual of swinging back and forth saying he is going to get help and they saying he is not. I really don't know what to do I don't think I can take it anymore and I can lie to my kids much longer about where he is etc for weeks on end I need it to stop for good but I don't know if it ever will. And I'm worried about where he would live etc he has no where to go. If anyone has any advice or perspective it would be greatly appreciated.x
I feel like i want to leave him as I don't feel I have the strength anymore I just want to have a normal life for myself and especially my children. Prior to his rehab his binges lasted weeks on end and he was in a terrible state. I won't allow in the house when he is like this as I want to protect my children from it! He is right back where he was and I feel like if I leave him for good then he will die. He is on about day 3 or 4 now and he is doing the usual of swinging back and forth saying he is going to get help and they saying he is not. I really don't know what to do I don't think I can take it anymore and I can lie to my kids much longer about where he is etc for weeks on end I need it to stop for good but I don't know if it ever will. And I'm worried about where he would live etc he has no where to go. If anyone has any advice or perspective it would be greatly appreciated.x
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Hi & welcome, Kacie.
I can assure you you're in the right place. Most of us here can relate to your story. I was married to an alcoholic for 20 years and I can tell you that your concerns are very valid.
I personally recognize your worry about "what's going to happen to him?" if you leave. I think it's difficult when you've lived so close to someone to just let go of them -- but honestly, you have three children who need you. Your husband is an adult. He will either take care of himself or he won't; you aren't his mother!
Al-Anon talks a lot about "the three Cs":
You didn't cause his drinking
You can't control it
You can't cure it.
What you can do -- and have every right to do -- is take care of yourself and your children. And read and post here, to learn more about alcoholism, and what it does to the person who drinks and the people who love them.
There is a lot of knowledge and experience here, and I'm sure a lot of folks will come around to give you good thoughts and share their experiences. I'm glad you're here -- it's a pretty hard step to take to admit that your spouse is an alcoholic. You've taken that big step, and that's a good thing.
I can assure you you're in the right place. Most of us here can relate to your story. I was married to an alcoholic for 20 years and I can tell you that your concerns are very valid.
I personally recognize your worry about "what's going to happen to him?" if you leave. I think it's difficult when you've lived so close to someone to just let go of them -- but honestly, you have three children who need you. Your husband is an adult. He will either take care of himself or he won't; you aren't his mother!
Al-Anon talks a lot about "the three Cs":
You didn't cause his drinking
You can't control it
You can't cure it.
What you can do -- and have every right to do -- is take care of yourself and your children. And read and post here, to learn more about alcoholism, and what it does to the person who drinks and the people who love them.
There is a lot of knowledge and experience here, and I'm sure a lot of folks will come around to give you good thoughts and share their experiences. I'm glad you're here -- it's a pretty hard step to take to admit that your spouse is an alcoholic. You've taken that big step, and that's a good thing.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hi Kacey and welcome to SR. Lots of great insight and support here.
You have to stop the worry about him and put the focus back on you and your children. When I kicked out my X I thought he would commit suicide and would have no where to go. Guess what, he is alive and well and is getting an apartment this weekend.
I hope you find some peace. I also encourage you to go to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery for support for YOU. I know our Celebrate Recovery has free babysitting and classes for young children.
XXX
You have to stop the worry about him and put the focus back on you and your children. When I kicked out my X I thought he would commit suicide and would have no where to go. Guess what, he is alive and well and is getting an apartment this weekend.
I hope you find some peace. I also encourage you to go to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery for support for YOU. I know our Celebrate Recovery has free babysitting and classes for young children.
XXX
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 94
Hello Kacey - you certainly have found a good place to get the support you need to start with. It was through the folks on this forum that I began to a) understand what I was dealing with, b) take some action and c) get support to follow through on that. Don't be afraid to come on here and vent, ask for support, advice or just to let folks here know how you are. Welcome, and keep posting - these folks have been there, done it and got the t-shirt. They have made a big difference to my life in the past five months. x
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: FtW, Tx
Posts: 198
Hello Kacey - I agree with everything Lillamy said. You are in the right place. I was married to an alcoholic for 20 years. In my experience is if they are not in some form of recovery they only get worse. Learn as much as you can to know what you are dealing with. If you are preparing to leave get a good plan. Document everything you can because they will be as dishonest in court as they are with you. Find as much support as you can get. This place, Al-anon, trusted friends and family have helped me get through the worst of the worst.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
It helped me to realize there are other programs out there, like the Salvation Army.
The Salvation Army - Adult Rehabilitation
The Salvation Army - Housing and Homeless Services
Was there a family program at the rehab your husband went to? When my husband was relapsing, calling his rehab counselor helped me see and state things differently, such as talking to AH about his needs vs what he wanted. Also, play this tape to the end -- how does it end? Licensed Addictions Counselors can look at the bigger picture while I often get bogged down in details.
My husband had said he'd never go back to that rehab, but another rehab suggested getting him to take a look at the place. In the end, that was part of his trip back to rehab. The biggest part of it was me learning to fully let go and let God. After his first relapse, he regained temp sobriety with the help of his doctor and with finally going to some AA meetings. That wasn't enough, but in the end, having his local AA friends to help intervene played a big part in him choosing to go to rehab again.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ked-today.html
Ironically, I had the book How to Win Friends and Influence People on my book list for years, but didn't start reading it until after AH was back in rehab last week. Wish I'd read it much sooner. It's true that pointing out to others what's wrong gets them on the defensive instead of willing to work things out.
The Salvation Army - Adult Rehabilitation
The Salvation Army - Housing and Homeless Services
Was there a family program at the rehab your husband went to? When my husband was relapsing, calling his rehab counselor helped me see and state things differently, such as talking to AH about his needs vs what he wanted. Also, play this tape to the end -- how does it end? Licensed Addictions Counselors can look at the bigger picture while I often get bogged down in details.
My husband had said he'd never go back to that rehab, but another rehab suggested getting him to take a look at the place. In the end, that was part of his trip back to rehab. The biggest part of it was me learning to fully let go and let God. After his first relapse, he regained temp sobriety with the help of his doctor and with finally going to some AA meetings. That wasn't enough, but in the end, having his local AA friends to help intervene played a big part in him choosing to go to rehab again.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ked-today.html
Ironically, I had the book How to Win Friends and Influence People on my book list for years, but didn't start reading it until after AH was back in rehab last week. Wish I'd read it much sooner. It's true that pointing out to others what's wrong gets them on the defensive instead of willing to work things out.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Whether they're open to help or not, all we really can do is to keep taking care of our own recovery. As we change, everything changes. 
Going to Alanon, Celebrate Recovery and finding a good psychologist who understand my husband's issues and mine have been big parts of my recovery.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings
Continued care is a must for my husband, and as I'm finding out, for myself also.
Going to Alanon, Celebrate Recovery and finding a good psychologist who understand my husband's issues and mine have been big parts of my recovery.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings
Continued care is a must for my husband, and as I'm finding out, for myself also.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2
Thank you very much for all your support and advice, bullfrog thanks for making me realise I don't have to make any rash decisions yet. Does anyone have any words of wisdom on how to encourage him to get back into treatment at the moment I am reminding him that I have spoken to his therapist and he can call him anytime and he will help him but I'm wondering if it's better to say nothing cause I have said theses things over and over so surely he knows all this by now. I'm lucky that I have great support from my parents which I am so thankful for as things would probably be much different if I didn't. Does anyone know if he is likely to get back into treatment since he has before. His therapist says all is not lost but I'm just not so sure! Xx
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kacey--your actions will speak much louder than words. He has already heard your words--to little avail. To the alcoholic--anything that gets between them and their drink is viewed as the enemy--and they resent our words and our tears and our anger.
The best action to take is to do what is best for you and your children's welfare. That starts with getting support and help for yourself as you go through this. And, learning everything you can about this disease and yourself. Knowledge is power in this situation.
Just because you are n ot obligated to make any "rash" decisions, right now---doesn't mean to resume life as usual and waiting for him to stop drinking. There is l ots that you can do, in the meantime....as you gain more emotional and mental clarity about your situation.
You can get through this--you are n ot alone.
dandylion
The best action to take is to do what is best for you and your children's welfare. That starts with getting support and help for yourself as you go through this. And, learning everything you can about this disease and yourself. Knowledge is power in this situation.
Just because you are n ot obligated to make any "rash" decisions, right now---doesn't mean to resume life as usual and waiting for him to stop drinking. There is l ots that you can do, in the meantime....as you gain more emotional and mental clarity about your situation.
You can get through this--you are n ot alone.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: New York
Posts: 9
Hi Kacey,
I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been in your position and I know just how soul wrenching it can be. I too stayed and stayed for the sake of my daughter but then one day Kacey, I had enough and realized SHE was the reason I had to leave, NOT to stay!
I knew he would probably get worse when I left and guess what? he did.
he broke his foot and was off work for months, and that, coupled with our breakup sent him spiraling to rock bottom. within 7 months of me leaving, he was in the hospital diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver and I was told to 'prepare myself' for the worst within 30 days. I was devastated and the guilt was palpable.
BUT
He pulled through. That was 3 and a half years ago and he hasn't had a drop since. Hes a wonderful dad now and truly is an all round better person for it. Yes he had to reach deaths door to get to this point but he had to fall on his face without me. It was the most loving thing I did for myself, our child and for HIM!
So I guess theres a happy ending in there somewhere (no, cirrhosis and all the health issues he has is hardly happy, but if I had to do it all over, I would still leave.) My leaving just expedited the inevitable.
I couldn't watch him slowly kill himself anymore and I sure as heck wasn't going to let my young daughter witness it either. I have no regrets that I left.
I hope you have a big support system around you.
Stay strong. (((hugs)))
I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been in your position and I know just how soul wrenching it can be. I too stayed and stayed for the sake of my daughter but then one day Kacey, I had enough and realized SHE was the reason I had to leave, NOT to stay!
I knew he would probably get worse when I left and guess what? he did.
he broke his foot and was off work for months, and that, coupled with our breakup sent him spiraling to rock bottom. within 7 months of me leaving, he was in the hospital diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver and I was told to 'prepare myself' for the worst within 30 days. I was devastated and the guilt was palpable.
BUT
He pulled through. That was 3 and a half years ago and he hasn't had a drop since. Hes a wonderful dad now and truly is an all round better person for it. Yes he had to reach deaths door to get to this point but he had to fall on his face without me. It was the most loving thing I did for myself, our child and for HIM!
So I guess theres a happy ending in there somewhere (no, cirrhosis and all the health issues he has is hardly happy, but if I had to do it all over, I would still leave.) My leaving just expedited the inevitable.
I couldn't watch him slowly kill himself anymore and I sure as heck wasn't going to let my young daughter witness it either. I have no regrets that I left.
I hope you have a big support system around you.
Stay strong. (((hugs)))
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