LoveMeNow

But at myself!!!!

I can not stop being angry with myself for putting up with the unacceptable!!
I can not stop being angry with myself for thinking he was special, I was special and our "love" was special.
I can not stop being angry at myself for staying as long as I did,
I can not stop being angry at myself for allowing him to take so much from me in every way. Spiritually, emotionally and financially.
I can not stop being so disgusted with my own choices, my own fears, my own denial, my own insecurities!!


At this point, I don't know who I am madder at.....him or me!! There have even been times I felt angry with God too! I hate feeling this way!!

honeypig

Lovemenow, try to be gentle w/yourself. I understand how you feel, I think. Anger is my "go-to" emotion also.

Like they say in Alanon, "when we know better, we do better." Our perceptions of ourselves, the world, our relationships, everything, are colored by life w/an active A. Once we start our own recovery, those perceptions shift.

At the time, you did the best you could w/what you knew.

LadyinBC

I personally think it is okay to be angry and a person needs to get this stuff out. If not, it just festers.

I think it is healthy to feel it, own it and then let it go.

BrokenInPieces

I know this will be the next stage for me to go through, once I pass through this grief - and I will feel exactly the way you do now. Exactly.

The shame I feel for not being strong enough to walk away - for accepting unacceptable behavior - I don't even know what to do with that feeling right now. It's sitting in my gut - so heavy.

spookyboo22

Hi Lovemenow, I know how you feel right now,

Sometimes though, the anger i feel gets directed at him just to mix it up a bit lol. I want to dance on his grave and all that. Usually that sort of thought pattern just isnt me, but he brought out a side of me i didnt even realise was there.

I trivialised, minimalised and excused his behaviour away time and time again. My friends thought i was insane and in a way i was and probably still am.

Im ashamed of myself for letting him tread on me the way he has. He's gone now , with another woman to drink and have fun, while i'm left exhausted and gutted. Its still better than being with him though. The chaos and anxiety were just terrible. My father was an A so this must be why i do this to myself.

You are not alone hun...... sending computer hugs xx

hopeful4

And what is that anger doing for you? Nothing but make you miserable I am guessing. I was mad too, really mad....at myself. However, I realize I cannot change the past and by letting that anger affect me I am just dragging it out even longer.

Be free of it, let the past go and work on making a happy future.

XXX

kudzujean

LMN, I used to beat myself up something awful over things I did/said/allowed unacceptable behavior in the past.

I have learned over the years (Al Anon has helped me a lot with this) to be more gentle with myself.

At first I had to say to myself, when I was beating myself up:

You. were. doing. the. best. you. could.

Over time, it became more of a habit. These days, when I have the thought of how stupid something I did/said in the past was, I go much more easily to the thought that I was doing the best I could at the time.

I bet you can get there too! Best to you.

SoloMio

I totally understand and have felt the same way many times.

But on the positive side, anger can spur you to change. You are now in a position to look at today as a day to pay attention to your needs and opportunities for growth. As the hymn goes, "I once was blind, but now I see," so turn the anger into gratitude for the perspective you have NOW.

FeelingGreat

Hi Love Me Now, the anger is probably a sign of recovery. I hope it doesn't last too long; just trying to think of the next stage - is it depression? Don't take any notice of the amateur psychologist here though.

You're on your way out of hell and I guess there are a few rocks on the road.

firebolt

I understand - and empathize - But look at you now!!

Our choices mold who we are - and I for one am thankful for the person everyone in here has become due to their journey and living with alcoholism.

You're doing just fine - and you're becoming one hell of a great human being on your way to emerging on the other side of this mess!

BlueSkies1

Well shiyte. Time spent is...time spent. Drat darnnit gimme a clock let me turn back the hands where was my inner protective side what's the matter with me I was stupid...I have more wrinkles now, I'm not young anymore, I could have been on a yacht somewhere instead, or at least sitting peacefully with a 3 legged one eyed cat...

Life isn't fair but I'm still in the game. Maybe a few scars from past battle wounds. They're as much of a sign of character as those wrinkles...that was my lot in life then. What's my lot in life now?
Pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, maybe some deep cleaning detailing the corners.
I'm one of the lucky ones. I'm still alive!
So what am I going to do with the time I have left?
Maybe stop jabbing myself in the ribs for days spent...who needs insult to injury?
No point in being my own worst enemy...

Look! It's a beautiful day outside and I'm alive!
Think I'll get my revenge...I'll LIVE and find the ways to enjoy it, and that is A LOT MORE than what many people do with their life.

Florence

Anger is the easy emotion -- what's behind it? Disappointment? Despair? Sadness? Regret?

In my experience, when I get past the anger and to the root of the anger, I am in for a major awakening.

ladyscribbler

I went through those same emotions. It has actually been a positive experience. I can say that now that it's been a few months. I stopped looking for people to blame and took ownership of my choices, good and bad (lots and lots of bad).
What helped me was doing my Alanon fourth step work. Tons of buried memories came flooding back and showed me the origins of my thought processes and behavior. I was able to understand and take ownership because those memories and realizations showed me that I wasn't stupid or mean or weak or a bad person. I made my choices for a reason, and delving into those reasons helped me learn to forgive myself. When I admitted the exact nature of my wrongs in my fifth step, they weren't just wrongs I had done to others, but wrongs I had done to myself because I had internalized a lot of negativity and sick behaviors growing up.
Hugs. This recovery stuff hurts like crazy sometimes. But staying sick would hurt us more at this point.

honeypig

Florence, I think you said a mouthful here--thanks so much for pointing this out. My experience has been the same as yours, in that I almost always get angry first and then later on discover that there's a lot going on behind the scenes. Most of the time, the anger was only the tip of the emotional iceberg, but since I'm OK w/seeing and feeling my anger, it is, as you say, the "easy emotion." More comfortable to deal with than sorrow, fear, anxiety, doubt...

Ofelie

Along with anger comes the guilt. Guilt at what my kids went through. Ugh I hate myself for it. But, with that, I find that it is much much easier to let go of his madness and the grief, the sadness just slipped away. I welcome the anger. Before I was afraid if he showed up in my driveway I would rush into his arms like a half brained idiot running back into a burning house. Now I realize if he shows up he better watch out because I might just come totally unhinged with anger. Anger is good. Its healthy. Its real and valid. Use it. Accept it. We are taught, very often in this society, that being angry is a bad thing. Out of control anger is bad, of course. I don't really think that justifiable anger is bad. I think it is necessary. I also think its the lack of appropriate anger in these situations that lead us to accept such ugly unacceptable behavior in the first place. I used to tiptoe around him, and I would never get mad, mostly because of the fear of HIS anger. Wasn't worth getting mad at him, because then he would get mad...much more mad, and I would get hurt. So I learned to stamp out that emotion. It still feels odd to me, anger. But being angry at what he did to me, what I allowed him to do, what I accepted, and what I let him put my kids through...that has vaulted me forward in my recovery.

lillamy

Take out the "nots" from those statements and you have some pretty powerful mantras there, friend.

You CAN stop being angry.
What would you tell your best friend if she said those things you said?
I might say something like...

You put up with unacceptable things because you were still believing there was a possibility he would change. That's not stupidity, that's hope.

You thought he was special, you were special, and your love was special, because it was. Without alcoholism, it might still have been. But that wasn't the choice he made. (HE. Not you.)

You left when you were able to. You made the best decisions you could, based on what you knew, throughout your life.

You didn't allow him to take -- you gave. Because you are a loving, generous individual. The fact that he didn't appreciate your gifts but took advantage of them is on him. Not you.

When you know better, you choose better. As you recover, you will face down your fears one by one and they will run away with their tails between their legs like little girly-man fears. You're already winning over your denial. And for every day, you get less and less insecure when you see that you are actually rocking' this life thing. For reals. Girlfriend.

CarryThatWeight

"Shame is an excuse to hate ourselves today for something we did or didn't do in the past. There is no room in a shame-filled mind for the fact that we did the best we could at the time, no room to accept that as human beings we are bound to make mistakes."

Courage to Change, p. 57

I too struggle with anger at myself (in fact, I just posted some about that today), and this reading was in a meeting I went to last night. I thought it might help someone.