Fed up with blackouts, sobriety is my only choice, I think
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 984
Fed up with blackouts, sobriety is my only choice, I think
So, I'm a 28 year old man that went to a top 10 National University (not an ivy, so you can narrow that down to 5, and I'm not a tech guy, so really just 3. I'm also working a six figure job in New York and getting my masters in the evening.
I travel a lot and have loving parents and a group with plenty of friends.
All that maybe sounds like bragging, but it's really justification I give myself for why drinking myself to sleep one or two nights a week at my apartment alone using a pint and a half of vodka, and why drinking that other half before weekend parties is acceptable.
I was a huge nerd in middle school and my freshman year of high school was terrible. I made no friends, no longer could put in no effort and get an A and I began to question my sexual orientation. I transferred after that to a new school and I managed to make a small group of friends. They all had limited experience with pot and booze, but not much. Starting in April of 2002, that all changed and we all become super into pot. I had an older cousin that supplied us booze and I'd usually be the one to encourage that, often hiding a bottle in my room that I'd drink when my parents went to bed. I'd drink enough to not black out and would always be sure to hide the bottle.
Before graduation, the school found out that I'd supplied booze to several (4 or 5 classmates) and it was a one strike school, so I was kicked out. That night I think I had my first real blackout. I did manage to finish high school (home schooled) and my acceptance letter to a top 10 schools was left valid.
When I started undergrad, the blackouts become all to common, and I'd constantly fear that I'd said something about questioning my sexuality to a stranger, or for the stupid antics. I can't count the number of times I woke up having pissed my bed and had a pounding headache with little memory of how the night went. As college rolled on, I didn't stop drinking whenever the opportunity arose and I got extremely discouraged with my low grades and lack of relationship success. I'm 28 and still unsure of my sexuality, but from 18-22, the thought of people thinking I was gay terrified me. Not having a girlfriend made me bitter and when a lot of my friends would be out on dates, I'd be inverting bottles of vodka.
Since graduation, I'd say I can control my intake only marginally better in that it hasn't impacted my career. I find that at every party is go to, I wind up the drunkest one there. I never set out to do this, but once I've gotten that buzz, it's usually heading for blackout and possibly pissing my bed.
I've gone through phases where I can tone it down, but inevitably, I just can't and I'm tired of it. The thought of sobriety scares me. I feel like all my social life surrounds drinking (all my friends being in control.) I'm starting to realize I have to make this stop, then really focus on finding a partner, where it be gay or straight.
I'm on here now since I recently blacked out three nights in a row and then got drunk the 4th day. I want it to end, but don't know where to begin
I travel a lot and have loving parents and a group with plenty of friends.
All that maybe sounds like bragging, but it's really justification I give myself for why drinking myself to sleep one or two nights a week at my apartment alone using a pint and a half of vodka, and why drinking that other half before weekend parties is acceptable.
I was a huge nerd in middle school and my freshman year of high school was terrible. I made no friends, no longer could put in no effort and get an A and I began to question my sexual orientation. I transferred after that to a new school and I managed to make a small group of friends. They all had limited experience with pot and booze, but not much. Starting in April of 2002, that all changed and we all become super into pot. I had an older cousin that supplied us booze and I'd usually be the one to encourage that, often hiding a bottle in my room that I'd drink when my parents went to bed. I'd drink enough to not black out and would always be sure to hide the bottle.
Before graduation, the school found out that I'd supplied booze to several (4 or 5 classmates) and it was a one strike school, so I was kicked out. That night I think I had my first real blackout. I did manage to finish high school (home schooled) and my acceptance letter to a top 10 schools was left valid.
When I started undergrad, the blackouts become all to common, and I'd constantly fear that I'd said something about questioning my sexuality to a stranger, or for the stupid antics. I can't count the number of times I woke up having pissed my bed and had a pounding headache with little memory of how the night went. As college rolled on, I didn't stop drinking whenever the opportunity arose and I got extremely discouraged with my low grades and lack of relationship success. I'm 28 and still unsure of my sexuality, but from 18-22, the thought of people thinking I was gay terrified me. Not having a girlfriend made me bitter and when a lot of my friends would be out on dates, I'd be inverting bottles of vodka.
Since graduation, I'd say I can control my intake only marginally better in that it hasn't impacted my career. I find that at every party is go to, I wind up the drunkest one there. I never set out to do this, but once I've gotten that buzz, it's usually heading for blackout and possibly pissing my bed.
I've gone through phases where I can tone it down, but inevitably, I just can't and I'm tired of it. The thought of sobriety scares me. I feel like all my social life surrounds drinking (all my friends being in control.) I'm starting to realize I have to make this stop, then really focus on finding a partner, where it be gay or straight.
I'm on here now since I recently blacked out three nights in a row and then got drunk the 4th day. I want it to end, but don't know where to begin
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Hey NYmets...addiction is indiscriminate. The rest is just details. But you are not your addiction. So in that circular way...welcome to the forum 
This is a great place to be. Sobriety is scary at first. Then liberating. And freeing in the best way imaginable.
**P.S. - The New York Times Magazine, May 20, 2014, "The Scientific Quest to Prove Bisexuality Exists". If you have not yet, I would recommend this for some light reading.
This is a great place to be. Sobriety is scary at first. Then liberating. And freeing in the best way imaginable.
**P.S. - The New York Times Magazine, May 20, 2014, "The Scientific Quest to Prove Bisexuality Exists". If you have not yet, I would recommend this for some light reading.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum!! 
Just to give you some reassurance that there are many people here that would have been termed "high functioning", when I drank, my career was never impacted to the point of loosing a job or anyone calling me out on my drinking.
The fear for your social life is a real one, because it is the unknown, going to a party or hanging out with friends without a drink in hand isn't what any of us were used to, but it can be done with the right support and motivation.
I had to honestly sit back and think, what is alcohol giving me out of the bargain? and the answer was very little in terms of positives when it came to socialising, so Sobriety was an adjustment, but for the better.
You'll find loads of support here, great to have you onboard!!
Just to give you some reassurance that there are many people here that would have been termed "high functioning", when I drank, my career was never impacted to the point of loosing a job or anyone calling me out on my drinking.
The fear for your social life is a real one, because it is the unknown, going to a party or hanging out with friends without a drink in hand isn't what any of us were used to, but it can be done with the right support and motivation.
I had to honestly sit back and think, what is alcohol giving me out of the bargain? and the answer was very little in terms of positives when it came to socialising, so Sobriety was an adjustment, but for the better.
You'll find loads of support here, great to have you onboard!!
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Welcome to SR!
There is no rational basis for this fear. It is purely an emotional response created by an emotional dependency on alcohol. Build a sober life for a few months and you'll see how rapidly it dissipates.
Good Luck!
Originally Posted by nymets86 
The thought of sobriety scares me.
Good Luck!
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Hi and welcome!
I used to be a binge drinker who browned out (I could remember things if prodded and piece it all together but it wasn't there initially), and it got to where after age 29 or so, I started to drink at home alone so I wouldn't make an ass out of myself. Logical right? Lol
You're in the right place. The best thing to do is not drink. It is as simple, though not easy, as that.
Once you are sober, I have a hunch that the sexuality part will work itself out.
I used to be a binge drinker who browned out (I could remember things if prodded and piece it all together but it wasn't there initially), and it got to where after age 29 or so, I started to drink at home alone so I wouldn't make an ass out of myself. Logical right? Lol
You're in the right place. The best thing to do is not drink. It is as simple, though not easy, as that.
Once you are sober, I have a hunch that the sexuality part will work itself out.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi and welcome to what can be the beginning of good living. You mention your good academic achievements which deserve congratulations but haven’t much to do with or without our alcoholism. We have a great tendency to rationalize our drinking and think of the good times that occurred when drinking. That’s the past and our alcoholism will only get worse with each drink.
I had difficulty stopping because I was dishonest with myself about my drinking and did too much comparing, looking for excuses to continue and there are many dishonest ones.
The bottom line is I cannot drink in safety and if I do my life will be very unmanageable. It’s great to be comfortable in my own skin. I got there by working the AA program for many years now. Reading the many topics on these forums give a good heads up and shows a lot of the results of relapses etc.
BE WELL
I had difficulty stopping because I was dishonest with myself about my drinking and did too much comparing, looking for excuses to continue and there are many dishonest ones.
The bottom line is I cannot drink in safety and if I do my life will be very unmanageable. It’s great to be comfortable in my own skin. I got there by working the AA program for many years now. Reading the many topics on these forums give a good heads up and shows a lot of the results of relapses etc.
BE WELL
Sober and lovin' it
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by Nonsensical
Welcome to SR!
There is no rational basis for this fear. It is purely an emotional response created by an emotional dependency on alcohol. Build a sober life for a few months and you'll see how rapidly it dissipates.
Good Luck!
There is no rational basis for this fear. It is purely an emotional response created by an emotional dependency on alcohol. Build a sober life for a few months and you'll see how rapidly it dissipates.
Good Luck!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Welcome.
I'd like to offer you a reflection here, to do with what you choose.
Sobriety is not your only choice.
Your other choice is to continue on, and ride those blackouts into an ever-blacker world as you watch things all around you fall apart, the bits of life you love and cherish become twisted and tarnished, maybe to lose it all, maybe even to lose the ultimate loss....
Will this happen to you guranteed if you continue on? Maybe not. But probably.
So, you have a choice. You can choose to suffer, or you can choose to heal.
You can choose madness. You can choose joy.
Both paths will have their downsides.... though from my experience and experiences I've learned from in others' lives; one will have far greater upsides.
SO. Please don't feel that you have no choice. Please don't feel you're being forced into anything. Please consider that if you should CHOOSE to walk forward in sobriety, it will be your choice. And from my own experience - far more wonderful than the alternative... far better than you can even imagine.
Keep on comin' here.... as for 'where to begin'; you already have.
I'd like to offer you a reflection here, to do with what you choose.
Sobriety is not your only choice.
Your other choice is to continue on, and ride those blackouts into an ever-blacker world as you watch things all around you fall apart, the bits of life you love and cherish become twisted and tarnished, maybe to lose it all, maybe even to lose the ultimate loss....
Will this happen to you guranteed if you continue on? Maybe not. But probably.
So, you have a choice. You can choose to suffer, or you can choose to heal.
You can choose madness. You can choose joy.
Both paths will have their downsides.... though from my experience and experiences I've learned from in others' lives; one will have far greater upsides.
SO. Please don't feel that you have no choice. Please don't feel you're being forced into anything. Please consider that if you should CHOOSE to walk forward in sobriety, it will be your choice. And from my own experience - far more wonderful than the alternative... far better than you can even imagine.
Keep on comin' here.... as for 'where to begin'; you already have.
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Originally Posted by NoAlcohol
Awesome post, FreeOwl. You should be a motivational speaker.
**Giving advice for 'FreeOwl' TO
No longer giving advice for 'FreeOwl' = getting 'PaidOwl'
**could not help it. yes. I am giggling to myself.
(apologies NTmets86...threw a little stink bomb in your thread .)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 984
Thanks everyone. I've not drank anything all week, but this upcoming weekend will be the first major hurdle. In the past, I've certainly gone weekends without any drinking, but usually ones where I had an excuse not to.
This upcoming weekend I don't have one. I know i can just tell my friends that I'm not drinking this weekend and say that, after last weekend's bender (which everyone was there for since it was an out of town wedding), I need a break. I'm just nervous that I'll cave in though. A friend from out of town is coming with his girlfriend to stay at my apartment, so it's not as though I can simply bail out of everything and say I'm not feeling well.
If I can get to next Monday, it will be the longest time (a week) since 2007, that I've been 100% sober from alcohol. Various times when I've been on trips with my family I've probably gone two weeks without getting drunk, but always had at least a few.
This upcoming weekend I don't have one. I know i can just tell my friends that I'm not drinking this weekend and say that, after last weekend's bender (which everyone was there for since it was an out of town wedding), I need a break. I'm just nervous that I'll cave in though. A friend from out of town is coming with his girlfriend to stay at my apartment, so it's not as though I can simply bail out of everything and say I'm not feeling well.
If I can get to next Monday, it will be the longest time (a week) since 2007, that I've been 100% sober from alcohol. Various times when I've been on trips with my family I've probably gone two weeks without getting drunk, but always had at least a few.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
a) have a plan - including EXACTLY what you'll say to people when they try to get you to drink. Using last weekend's bender and / or wanting to give your body a break is totally honest and totally OK. If you're not comfortable yet saying to your friends you've stopped drinking or your an alcoholic; fine. Just tell them the truth; you're not drinking TODAY and your body needs a break.
b) have commitments - give yourself something you will do in the early mornings. Plan a run, preferably with a friend so there's someone waiting on you and you're 'on the hook' for something. Plan to meet up with family for a breakfast. Plan to go to some new place you have wanted to go.... have something structured that you really actually WANT to do, so that in moments of temptation you have additional motivation and another 'excuse'... "no really, thanks. I have an early _____________ tomorrow, I'm not drinking tonight'.
c) have a BACKUP PLAN - be fully prepared to Ghost the situation if things get too hairy. Look yourself in the eye in the mirror before you head off to wherever it is and remind yourself that not drinking today is more important than hanging around whatever function you're headed to with a bunch of people who are drinking and - honestly - won't REALLY care all that much whether you're drinking or not.
d) remember that the only people who will feel uncomfortable about you not drinking are YOU and OTHER PEOPLE WHO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH DRINKING. Are those people's opinions really that important to you?
e) Have a planned beverage - don't go into a situation where you haven't already firmly decided SPECIFICALLY what you're going to drink. The worst temptation early on is when you find yourself sitting at a bar table with friends and a server comes over and says "what can I get you to DRINK??" and you don't already have "PELLEGRINO" (or whatever) as your ready-to-go response. Habits die hard. Alcholic Voices (and alcoholics) die harder.
You'll be ok, you can do this.
It's worth it.
b) have commitments - give yourself something you will do in the early mornings. Plan a run, preferably with a friend so there's someone waiting on you and you're 'on the hook' for something. Plan to meet up with family for a breakfast. Plan to go to some new place you have wanted to go.... have something structured that you really actually WANT to do, so that in moments of temptation you have additional motivation and another 'excuse'... "no really, thanks. I have an early _____________ tomorrow, I'm not drinking tonight'.
c) have a BACKUP PLAN - be fully prepared to Ghost the situation if things get too hairy. Look yourself in the eye in the mirror before you head off to wherever it is and remind yourself that not drinking today is more important than hanging around whatever function you're headed to with a bunch of people who are drinking and - honestly - won't REALLY care all that much whether you're drinking or not.
d) remember that the only people who will feel uncomfortable about you not drinking are YOU and OTHER PEOPLE WHO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH DRINKING. Are those people's opinions really that important to you?
e) Have a planned beverage - don't go into a situation where you haven't already firmly decided SPECIFICALLY what you're going to drink. The worst temptation early on is when you find yourself sitting at a bar table with friends and a server comes over and says "what can I get you to DRINK??" and you don't already have "PELLEGRINO" (or whatever) as your ready-to-go response. Habits die hard. Alcholic Voices (and alcoholics) die harder.
You'll be ok, you can do this.
It's worth it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,534
Jumping in to say hello and welcome, nymets! Two things I want to say/reiterate to you:
1) Fear of the thing is worse than the thing itself.
I read this shortly after I stopped drinking and it was so helpful for me. And it still is. For instance, I have a big event to go to this weekend (all weekend) and there will be plenty of alcohol. I am nervous about it now, but I know once I get there and the ball gets rolling and I have my tonic water with lime, I will settle in and be ok. It is the staring it down that rattles me.
2) and this goes nicely with the above: If you have to take the weekend minute by minute, then that is what you should do. "Can I not drink for the next 2 minutes? Yes? Then that is what I will do." The weekend is made up of lots of minutes. If you need to take them one at a time, then do it. That will get you to success a lot more easily than white knuckling it for 48 hours.
You can succeed at this. Imagine how proud you will be on Monday morning! Keep checking in and, again, welcome.
1) Fear of the thing is worse than the thing itself.
I read this shortly after I stopped drinking and it was so helpful for me. And it still is. For instance, I have a big event to go to this weekend (all weekend) and there will be plenty of alcohol. I am nervous about it now, but I know once I get there and the ball gets rolling and I have my tonic water with lime, I will settle in and be ok. It is the staring it down that rattles me.
2) and this goes nicely with the above: If you have to take the weekend minute by minute, then that is what you should do. "Can I not drink for the next 2 minutes? Yes? Then that is what I will do." The weekend is made up of lots of minutes. If you need to take them one at a time, then do it. That will get you to success a lot more easily than white knuckling it for 48 hours.
You can succeed at this. Imagine how proud you will be on Monday morning! Keep checking in and, again, welcome.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
