SuzieBeans

I'm in a program and in recovery. It's been almost a year. I just started dating someone and found out they are an extreme alcoholic (Way worse than I was). He is super enabled. He is mean to me when he is drunk. He said he loves me. We've only been dating a month. I gave him phone numbers for help. I asked him to call. He said he wants help but not today. I know they are excuses. He said I am the best thing that ever happened to him. He is already very wrapped up in this relationship. I love him too (I know it's crazy). I think that if I don't break up with him, I would be an enabler. The break up would be very devastating to him. But I think if I stay, it's like enabling him. He gets to drink and keep his GF too. He gets to drink and have something that makes him happy.

He shouldn't be in a relationship while he gets better (neither should I prolly).
I need to get away from him so I can stay sober.
I don't want to watch him destroy himself.
I don't want to enable him.
He wont get help today, so I don't think he will tomorrow.
I know I should break up with him. I've been told he is not my problem. That I should just leave and not mention that it is because of his drinking. I don't know what the right thing is to do here.
I suffer from anxiety so breaking up is going to be very scary and hard for me. Only because of my illness. He has not been violent to me physically so I am not scared of him.
Also, I am very worried that the break up will cause him to drink even more.

I'm just looking for some courage to do this. Maybe some validation too. Thanks

suki44883

You are right. The worst thing you could do is get into a relationship with an addict. It would be a huge risk to your own sobriety. Also, you know that nothing you do or say is going to affect whether or not he drinks. You aren't that powerful. He'll drink if you leave and he'll drink if you stay.

Welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support here.

SuzieBeans

Thank you. That's a good point. I didn't think about the fact it doesn't matter if I am with him or not. If he's gonna drink, he's gonna drink. Now to decide if I do it over the phone or wait until I see him in almost a week.

Butterfly

Good for you a year in recovery well done but How is this relationship affecting your recovery?? You can only be responsible for your own recovery yet your trying to support someone else to seek recovery. You are taking the focus of yourself. It is obvious you care very deeply for your BF but you need to care more for yourself. Your BF is not at the stage where he wants to stop drinking and as you know no amount of you talking to him or providing him with numbers to contact will change that!

I can't tell you what to do but what I will say is you have to put yourself first and manage your own recovery. I don't necessarily think it's a good idea for you to be in a relationship with an addict IMHO. You are responsible for your recovery and that needs to remain your focus. If you decide to end the relationship I would be honest with him tell him that unless he becomes sober you can't be in a relationship with him especially due to your own history if he decides to drink more that is his decision and it certainly wouldn't be your fault he is an adult and makes his own choices!

Make healthy choices for you

Take care

hopeful4

You cannot cause someone to drink more unless you hold them down and pour it down their throat. Will he have triggers? yes. Are those triggers almost anything at all? yes.

You should not and really cannot afford to be involved with an alcoholic. Being someone in recovery yourself surely you realize you are putting yourself in jeopardy, and all you have worked for.

Turn him over to God. When he is ready for the help he will seek it. Until then, there is not a single thing you can do for him to be well.

Take good care of YOU, and congrats on your own recovery!

SuzieBeans

This relationship is not helping my recovery at all! It is also distracting me from my work. I drink when I am stressed and he is stressing me out for sure! I have decided I have to be selfish to stay sober for myself and my kids. There is no way I could ever let him around my kids like this. Plus I can't start drinking again because my kids deserve a sober mommy. I need to run now too bad because I love him very much. It's going to suck for me too. I am going to call my counselor too. I'm going to need more support for this. It's very sad

hopeful4

It would be selfish for you and especially your kids to put him before you and them. They need you the most. He is a grown adult who had a drinking problem before you came along and will have one after. That is for him to deal with.

I think it's great you recognize all of this and are open for counseling and support. Stay strong and firm in your own recovery!

XXX

suki44883

Another thing to consider is that you've only been seeing each other for about a month, so it's always easier to disentangle ourselves early in a relationship rather than to wait until things have gone on longer.

If you have any suspicion at all that he will be abusive (physical OR verbal), then I suggest you not tell him in person. You must protect yourself above everything else. (((HUGS)))

P.S. to add: Okay, you just mentioned you have children, so you and they are definitely better off without him in your lives. Take care of yourself and your children.

SuzieBeans

It's kind of eye opening to be on the other side of the stick this time. Thank you guys for all your support. I might come back and read these if I start to be a pansy. I'm really scared. I tried to break up with his yesterday and I couldn't do it. It was kind of like a last chance. Later, he said 'today is not the day' and that he is not ready. Welp, that's when I decided he's not ready for me then either. ugh this sucks.

readerbaby71

He's not ready. You've been sober for a year, which is an amazing accomplishment! The anxiety that being with an active alcoholic causes is off the charts. You don't need that in your life. Don't jeopardize your sobriety for this person. I can tell you that some of the situations I've dealt with with my BF almost made me decide to drink. You're right--your kids need you and you deserve a healthy relationship. Good luck and hugs to you. xoxoxo

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nk-sunday.html

SuzieBeans

YAY online hugs Thank you. I need to call my counselor and get to work. I'll keep you guys posted and prolly come back for more hugs. It's hard for me to focus. I keep thinking about what I should say... What his face is going to look like when I tell him, etc. It's crazy seeing someone hurt themselves with booze makes me what to drink, ugh. I gotta focus.

suki44883

I hope you'll come back often SuzieBeans. SR is a great source of support.

Butterfly

Any time you need support we will be here. Stay strong for you and your kids and your own recovery!

SuzieBeans

Scheduled my appointment to see my counselor at lunch tomorrow.

Hawkeye13

Be strong, take care of yourself and your family, and peace to you all

Congrats on a year sober! That is worth protecting and growing.

Recovering2

HUGE congrats on your sobriety. Recovery is not an easy path, I respect the commitment it takes to remain sober and seek true recovery.

This is a progressive disease, as you know. You've only been dating a month, but already state he's mean to you when he's drunk. That will only get worse. He is telling you he's not ready to get sober...believe him! He has the right to drink, but he does not have the right to challenge/endanger/complicate your recovery in any way.

Continue on your path, take care of your children. And FWIW if it's too hard to do in person...then just call and tell him. That's okay. Do what is best for you. I wish you continued success in your own recovery. (((hugs)))

fluffyflea

He's not your problem. Take care of you.

SuzieBeans

Counseling went well today

Mango blast

So good that you know your priorities and are staying true to them, and also that you know how to get help to reinforce what you're realizing. Congrats on your sobriety and on putting you first. Neither are easy. Both are fantastic accomplishments!

Do you have a plan for moving forward? Stating that you deserve better and ending contact is always an option.

iSPAZ

Glad to hear the counseling went well. Congrats on your sober time.