DisplacedGRITS

Well, i went to the first day of my new job. I really enjoyed it, even though much of it was reading a manual and filling out forums. My manager was impressed with my range of knowledge regarding the pet store. He understood about my uncle's death and my mther-in-law's impending visit. It was easy to stay focused during work. Now that i'm home, i feel drained. I talked to my Nana and grandfather and they sound okay. I don't know if i'll go to the memorial or wait and do something with the family when they bring his ashes home and do something with the family. I have my homegroup meeting tonight and the business meeting after that so that's good.

Thanks for all y'all's support. It helps a lot.

Live2Run25

I just logged into for the first time in months, so i'm not sure exactly what's going on, but I've got an idea. I sure hope you are okay. Sounds like you have an understanding boss. That's good!

least

I'm glad you had a good first day on the job.

Anna

The first day of a new job is always tough, so I'm glad it went well.

Hevyn

Glad to hear you felt comfortable at the new job DG. It's good you're keeping busy during this challenging time.

MIRecovery

Congrats on a sober new job day one.

DisplacedGRITS

Thanks everyone. I don't work Thursday. I'm a bit afraid that i'll just spend it all in bed. I just feel emotionally drained even though i didn't cry much today. I went to text my sister real quick during the meeting, asking that we talk tomorrow, and I noticed that I still had a saved conversation from my uncle in there. It wasn't much. Just him thanking me for a card I sent him. It wasn't a holiday card. I just sent him a card on a whim, letting him know that I love him. I wonder if he threw it away or if it's somewhere in his empty house.

I feel normal sometimes but lifeless. Like a marionette who's strings have been cut. I felt mostly fine at work and the meetings. I even took the outings coordinator position at my homegroup. Right now, I feel just empty. Deflated. I know it will pass. It's just hard.

Dee74

Grief is a process not an event Dg - it will take time, and it's ok to be gentle on yourself for a while.

I'm really glad about the new job though - congratultions

D

DisplacedGRITS

Thanks, Dee. I guess I haven't felt this weird numbness since I quit drinking. I guess some naive part of me thought that I'd left despair behind. I know that's not true. I haven't spoken with my uncle in so long. Everything feels unfinished. I actually wondered if I texted his phone, would he answer? Strange that I'm still do good a deluding myself. I know this will pass. I think I just have to accept that I'm going to be in this emotional limbo for a while.

I'm really grateful for SR and AA. I couldn't do this alone and stay sober.

Dee74

I remember ringing a number of a friend of mine simply to hear the answering machine message and their voice.

It's not so strange or delusional. Loss is painful for those left behind.

I think it's just trying making sense of things and connect with something familiar maybe?

Lean on your friends here - we've got you

D

Marcher13

Grits I'm glad the first day of work went okay, it will be easier next time because you have already been there so there will be that smidgin of familiarity.

I'd venture to say that it's not despair you are feeling but instead a natural reaction to being overwhelmed by both the death of a loved one and the nervous stress of a new job. Numbness at a time like this is nature's coping mechanism, despair is a complete loss of hope and I'd suggest you aren't quite there? Sad yes, anxious yes but not without hope.

Thinking of you Grits.

DisplacedGRITS

I'm wondering if i should call my psych. I'm going to see him Monday (scheduled that weeks ago). I don't think he could see me sooner. I'm not really worried that i'm going to harm myself but earlier i was boiling some water and i had the sudden urge to just plunge my hand in. I haven't self harmed in a long time but that thought was just out of left field. I hate to say it, but my first thought was that i shouldn't do that because i'd have to explain a burned hand to work somehow. That, and it's just plain foolish. What the hell would i get out of that? i dunno. Just weird.