Jewelie

My boyfriend is alcohol dependent. Vodka is his drink of choice. I feel so helpless. He's isolated himself from his kids and friends. He retired young, so not working. He stays home all the time unless it's to get more vodka. He wants a future with me and tells me he loves me. I want him healthy. Last week I called 911, they came and accessed him. High blood pressure and dehydrated. He wouldn't go to the hospital. He isn't hostile or aggressive at all. He's a calm and quiet drunk. He use to run triathletes he's pretty healthy, accept for the alcohol. What do I do?? He want's me with him to hold his hand. I can't watch him dye!!! I love him and adore him, yet I feel so helpless.

suki44883

Welcome to SR, Jewelie. You'll find a lot of support here for you.

I don't see anything in your post about him wanting to quit drinking. Since he isn't working, maybe he could look into inpatient detox. They will see that he detoxes safely since alcohol detox is very dangerous.

Unfortunately, you can't really help him except to support his sobriety, if he chooses that route. If being with him could make him sober, then wouldn't he have gotten sober before now? We can't love them healthy. If we could, none of us would be here. This is something he has to want with everything inside of him, whether you stay with him or not.

I hope you'll come back often and read and post as often as you want. You'll find a lot of support here. The stickies at the top of this forum are full of helpful information. (((HUGS)))

Katchie

Is this your 1st post? If so, welcome...you'll find a lot of support here from people in the exact same position you are in, or those who have been. If you haven't read the info at the top of this forum, make sure you do. There's a wealth of helpful stuff there.
I know that feeling of helplessness...of wanting to help your addict, etc...The best help you can give your boyfriend is to get out of his way and get yourself to alanon as quickly as you can. You're going to need their support and the group will be helpful to your own healing. And yes, you need healing.
You're going to be ok...Hugs and keep posting!

Rosiepetal

I suggest you educate yourself as much as you can about alcoholism because unfortunately he is only going to get worse.
You will then need to decide if you are happy to stand by his side through this disease or let go & focus on yourself.
You unfortunately can't make him sober, he has to work that out for himself.
I'm sorry you are going through this, we are here to support you.
Please read, read, read.

Jewelie

Should I tell him I can't support his alcoholic ways? Should I just ignore all the texts and phone calls? Do I tell him I'll support his sobriety or just walk away? He knows I love him yet tells me I need to accept him "as is".

lillamy

Well -- I would say there is some truth to that. If you want to be with him, it would mean you have to accept the fact that he is an alcoholic. And that chances are that might never change. And that there's nothing you can do to change that. He has to want to change.

What do you want to tell him?

Jewelie

I want him.....not the alcohol dependency.

ladyscribbler

It's a package deal hon. Even if he gets sober tomorrow and is working a program, the alcohol dependency will still be there, waiting for him to slip and feed the beast.

suki44883

Right now, Jewelie, they are one in the same. He is an alcoholic and the fact that he says you must accept him as he is pretty much says that he has no intention of changing. You have to decide if you are willing to accept him as he is right now...today.

Hammer

We have some Pretty Good Alanon around DFW:

http://texas-al-anon.org/meetings/


Check some out and let us know what you think.

Once you get started, he may be so impressed with you, that he wants some getting better, too.

Or maybe not.

But EITHER way -- YOU can get a whole lot better.

hopeful4

Yes, it is one in the same. Don't try and compartmentalize what it is. He is an alcoholic. That is not likely to change since he is saying he wants you to accept him "as is." So, accept you cannot have him without the other and made decisions for yourself going forward from there.

I am sorry. Certainly not wanting to be harsh. We have all wanted our loved ones without the addiction or we would not be here.

Hugs.

honeypig

But like lillamy said, that is part of the package at this point. The choices are to accept him exactly as he is, and realize that this may very well be as good as it ever gets, or to end the relationship. Waiting and hoping for him to change, or trying to make him change, will do nothing but waste your time and break your heart.

I see you're fairly new to SR--have you done much reading here yet? The stickies at the top of the page are a great place to start. They contain a lot of concentrated wisdom. Here's a few threads that might make good starting points:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-clearer.html

I hope you can take some of this to heart--it's a lot to process, but educating yourself about alcoholism will put you in a much better place to make a decision. Wishing you strength and clarity.

lovetohikect

I am a newbie here myself and probably hardly in a position to be giving counsel, but my own feeling about this is... usually people tell you what the deal is and then you have the choice whether or not to accept it. Your boyfriend told you he was fine the way he is and that this is a "take it or leave it" scenario. I think I'd believe him.

It is a wonderful thing to think that you can rescue someone. I have lived with that fantasy myself for years now, that the force of my love, care, and wisdom can manifest itself in my son's life. I have believed that, just because I love him and am steadfast in that love, sooner or later my son will "see the light" of how badly he's hurt us, and will be redeemed by my love. I have clung to the belief that one day my son will act towards me as a normal son would act toward a normal mother.

I am coming, very slowly but also very surely, to realize that my love will not, in fact, redeem my son. I have realized that I can myself as vulnerable as I want, as forgiving and gentle and kind and tolerant as I can possibly be, and all it will do is give him more openings to take advantage of me, or abuse my trust yet again. The drama stopped being interesting or fun a long time ago.

I think the other posters are very wise in asking you to "spin out" your future with this man. It could be that one day he will be "strong at the broken places," and that your relationship will be all the better for having endured terrible trials, but none of us can know for sure what will eventuate. It may be that you will spend years of your life (that you cannot get back) trying to fix someone who at heart is not fixable.

One way or the other, you're in for a lot of heart-ache, at least in my experience. As Hopeful4 indicated, that is not in any way meant to be harsh, but it is meant to be realistic.

Best of luck to you in whatever you decide.

Jewelie

So, I came to visit him yesterday, typical drinking. Quit last night around 9:00. Now it's the next day, 18 1/2 hrs into detox!! This morning at 12 hrs with no drinks he said, "I've made it this far I may as well keep going " I have his mom here with me. Been getting good advise from his sister who's also gone through this years ago. Any more helpful advise is much appreciated. What should I be prepared for and what signs do I look for if medical treatment is needed?