EmmyG

So lost. I feel like I took so many steps forward, and now I'm back where I started.

As many of you already now, I moved out of the house with my two boys in April. I couldn't take my husband's binge drinking. We've been married 7 years. For most of our marriage, he drank probably 2-3 times a year, and it was always epic. Non-stop bender for a few days, sometimes a week. The last year, it's gotten worse and he was binging probably twice a month. He is awful drunk - completely blacks out.

In March, he went out drinking on his birthday and ended up calling me from the hospital ER. He was out in Hollywood and did coke along with drinking, and ended up having some kind of seizure. The doctors found what they think is a cyst. He followed up with the regular doctor and they did a CT scan last week. They think he's had a stroke at some point in his life (they said it could be as far back as in the womb, which is weird). The neurologist said "This is an abnormal CT scan. Especially for a 35-year-old." He ordered an MRI to rule out a brain tumor and to see if the cyst in his brain is causing him problems. He is just deteriorating.

I have been feeling bad for him because of all of this. A week ago, he drank and I hadn't heard from him so I went over to check on him and he was in bed totally drunk. He missed work. He works for himself, so that's bad. But he told me he had called the doctors he works with (he's in the medical field) and arranged coverage. I took pity on him. I let him stay here on the couch for a couple of nights because his new place is still full of boxes. I've been helping him arrange the medical appointments and driving him to/from. The DMV took his license after the seizure but he got it back today because the neurologist cleared it.

Anyway - today I got a call from one of the doctors he works for and they said another client called him and is trying to reach him. Everyone is wondering if he's okay. He looked instantly panicked when I told him that. He's had his phone off since that bender (he has no work scheduled this week and he didn't want to talk to anyone). He said it's all coming back to him and he doesn't think he actually did call and let them know he wouldn't be there. He then went to the store and bought a six-pack and drank three of them. I got really angry. I told him he needs to wake up and realize alcohol is causing these problems. He said I'm right, but that now he knows his brain isn't right, he feels clarity and like maybe all these years he has had this underlying issue and that's what's led him to binge, etc. We got into a huge argument and he left. He said I am trying to make him feel worse, I'm a nag, I'm an oppressor, etc.

I have actually WANTED him to leave since yesterday but I AM SO WORRIED about his health. I am worried he is going to go home and drink alone, and miss his tests tomorrow. His mom is coming to visit again on Thursday to help him. He has honestly just been declining physically. Forgetful, dizzy, can't focus, just a mess. I have been looking forward to her arriving so I could take some time "off the clock." I feel SO TIED to him. I feel like he is my third child that I need to tend to and protect. It is awful for me. I feel like if something happens to him, it's going to be on me. My boys need their father. They love their father to pieces. I feel like he's mentally ill and not thinking clearly, and I have to be there. At the same time, I start a new job on Monday. I am physically/emotionally exhausted. I'm coming down with some kind of cold/flu again. I'm just at the end of my rope. But I feel like I have no choice but to worry/help/nag/check on him like it's my job. I'm feeling so unhealthy. I have even put off starting with a therapist because I'm so overwhelmed. I need to figure out how to let go. I'm in my own place but I'm far from separate.

When he left earlier, I was just crying and telling him he doesn't care about me and that I've been there for him for so long. He said I'm wrong and I have no idea how he feels. I'm just miserable. My boys are at school and I'm going to pick them up so I have to get it together. I don't want them to be hurt by my husband's problems and I'm just dying for him to get himself together. I feel like as long as he is on this planet he's going to be ruining my life and the boys'.

Katchie

Hi Emmy...big hugs hon...I know you are so overwhelmed. I hear a lot of your words saying you "feel" he is your responsibility. Feelings, or what we feel are valid, but sometimes I think they lie to use too. They have to be based in some kind of truth, but the real truth is that you're not responsible for him, you're only responsible for yourself and your boys. He has made it pretty clear he's not ready to stop drinking. Let his mother help him if that is what she wants to do. I hate to hear you've postponed seeing a therapist. You NEED support--your focus needs to be on you and the boys. Your kids will not be better off with their mother I'll too...Please take care of you.

AnvilheadII

My boys need their father.

no - your boys need their MOTHER. you. their dad is a mess and his solution for everything is to drink. you don't have the time or energy to try and fix him. youhave to take care of yourself and get yourself ready for YOUR new job. the job that will provide for you and the boys. keep a roof over your heads, food on the table, clothes.

he is NOT your 3rd child. he is a full grown adult that has pissed his life away. that is his choice.

you can't stop or change things with him. it's all ON HIM. your little boys need at least one parent totally dedicated to their well being. BE that parent.

Bullfrog

I don't know if you are going to Al Anon but it has been a true lifeline for me. I had a Codie mini meltdown today in a meeting, and I received exactly what I needed there: BTDT stories, affirmation, grace and hugs. Al Anon helps give me perspective when I start coming unravelled. I love Al Anon, and I think you would, too.

Fandy

Yes, he is ruining your life because you allow it....you allow his drama and stupid drunken pity parties again and again...He calls you vile names, yells at you, chokes you...and you feel sorry for him and let him sleep on your couch.

He loses his job and can't be responsible and YOU feel bad because he is an asshat.

why should he ever grow up and take responsibility for his actions ...if you can't do it, his mama come running ..he has both of you going in circles...while he drinks to "cope".

I wish you the best of luck and hopefully some sense of clarity. I hope you get some kind of sanity cos your kids deserve better than this merry go around.

Hawkeye13

You are still spending your mental and physical energy on someone who abuses you.

That energy would, as others point out, be much better spent on yourself and your kids.

He's not keeping it together and it seems like you should be prepared to be the solo breadwinner and solo parent--I very much hope it doesn't come to that, but it is certainly a possible outcome based on what you posted today.

This means you have to put yourself (and kids) as number one without compromise, and he has to be responsible for himself--you know perfectly well you cannot repair this situation.

Please finally truly step back or you may get dragged under with him.

EmmyG

You're all right. I shut my phone off when he left and told him not to come to me for help anymore. I am definitely preparing to be the sole financial support for my kids - that's the main reason I found another job. I am now making enough to pay his half of child care just in case it comes to that.

Stung

I think we need to create Emmy's Scale of Importance:

1. Taking care of Emmy's health (mental, emotional & physical) maybe try alanon until you can book time with a counselor.
2. Your boys' needs.
3. Your new job, congrats btw!
4. Taking care of your home.
5. Taking care of your healthy relationships.
6. Having fun!
.
.
.
.
907. Taking care of your husband.

You know what is at the top of his probably very short list? Drinking so he can avoid living his life. You and your kids need to stay at the very top of your list because they're not at the top of anyone else's. You cannot address anything on your list until you take care of number 1 and number 2. He doesn't need you and from the sounds if it, he doesn't want you because you want him to deal with his life rather than hiding from it with substance abuse.

I'm worried about YOUR health. You have to take care if yourself first and foremost so you can take care of those wonderful boys of yours. Hugs, Emmy. You can do this!

Florence

My STBXAH is definitely dual diagnosis -- he was diagnosed with BPD/depression and general substance dependence with a focus on alcoholism -- and I felt and still feel that one was tied to the other. He also had a collection of health issues, including an enlarged liver, early stages of COPD, and apparently also seizures (which I never saw), all of which were directly caused by his alcoholism.

The tricky part is that you can't medicate and treat the mental illness until the alcoholic is dried out. It's too hard to figure out what's what until the substance abuse is out of the picture. My AH happened to have severe anxiety that popped up once he quit drinking, and this became a massive trigger for relapse. This knowledge, paired with his frequent promises to quit drinking, kept me tied to him for a long time. I was running on hope. But he was never committed to his treatment modality for long, whatever it was, whether for his mental health or physical health.

There's only so much you can do. He's grown, and if he doesn't want help that's it.

When I'm totally overwhelmed, I take stock and reorganize my priorities. First, the constants: Your boys, house stuff, laundry, recreational something, eating, sleeping. Then the exceptional stuff: NEW JOB (yay!). I really emphasize eating well and sleeping well, and all other household stuff falls by the wayside if I really need to REST. After that? If you want to expend your energy on your abusive AH, go for it, but as another single mom, I'll bet you don't have anything left over for him.

hopeful4

You know Emmy, you can opt to call the police and have a well check done on him if it comes to that. I don't even think you should do that but I understand you are going to have to do this slowly.

You don't have to be the one to actually be checking on him. The police do well checks all the time. And advise his work that you are no longer together and if they fear something is up they too can call the police for a well check.

I hear you what you are saying. You feel responsible for him. However, he is not at all responsible for himself. Even though he is so scared he has a brain problem he still does coke and drinks?? The three C's apply each and every time.

Big hugs. Congrats on the job. I agree with Stung's list of importance. You are needed, by your children, the ones you are actually the parent of.

Big Hugs. You can do this. Turn him over to God.