My recent relapse
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
My recent relapse
Many of you who posted to my relapse thread are curious about what happened. I don’t know what I can say about it. Not very much, I’m afraid. Not for fear of full disclosure, but fear that anything I say about my relapse will come out as an excuse, or I’ll minimize the extent of the relapse. In my mind I’ve gone from finding multiple reasons to blame it on, to downplaying it because at least I didn’t drink. Addicts lie. And since I’m in addict mode, the lies come easy. The less I say, the better.
I can tell you this: Nothing tragic in my life prompted this, nothing bad or traumatic. In fact, my life has never been better, Yet, I made a clear and conscious decision to get use. Planned and calculated. I’m not sure when my recovery started to erode, well in advance of my relapse, for sure. So to answer the question why did I relapse, without all the addict rhetoric, I’d say, simply, I wanted to high more than I wanted to be straight. So I turned my back on my recovery.
Now I’ve got to turn it around.
Thanks!
I can tell you this: Nothing tragic in my life prompted this, nothing bad or traumatic. In fact, my life has never been better, Yet, I made a clear and conscious decision to get use. Planned and calculated. I’m not sure when my recovery started to erode, well in advance of my relapse, for sure. So to answer the question why did I relapse, without all the addict rhetoric, I’d say, simply, I wanted to high more than I wanted to be straight. So I turned my back on my recovery.
Now I’ve got to turn it around.
Thanks!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1,506
Originally Posted by doggonecarl 
Many of you who posted to my relapse thread are curious about what happened. I don’t know what I can say about it. Not very much, I’m afraid. Not for fear of full disclosure, but fear that anything I say about my relapse will come out as an excuse, or I’ll minimize the extent of the relapse. In my mind I’ve gone from finding multiple reasons to blame it on, to downplaying it because at least I didn’t drink. Addicts lie. And since I’m in addict mode, the lies come easy. The less I say, the better.
I can tell you this: Nothing tragic in my life prompted this, nothing bad or traumatic. In fact, my life has never been better, Yet, I made a clear and conscious decision to get use. Planned and calculated. I’m not sure when my recovery started to erode, well in advance of my relapse, for sure. So to answer the question why did I relapse, without all the addict rhetoric, I’d say, simply, I wanted to high more than I wanted to be straight. So I turned my back on my recovery.
Now I’ve got to turn it around.
Thanks!
I can tell you this: Nothing tragic in my life prompted this, nothing bad or traumatic. In fact, my life has never been better, Yet, I made a clear and conscious decision to get use. Planned and calculated. I’m not sure when my recovery started to erode, well in advance of my relapse, for sure. So to answer the question why did I relapse, without all the addict rhetoric, I’d say, simply, I wanted to high more than I wanted to be straight. So I turned my back on my recovery.
Now I’ve got to turn it around.
Thanks!
Take care Carl.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I was thinking about a three friends who relapsed for what, on the surface, were completely different reasons.
The first, Jack, had been making some plans, reorganising his life with a view to pursuing his dreams. Everything worked out in his favour, it could not have gone better. He got drunk.
The other, Jill, had a tragedy in her life. Her husband died unexpectedly. She got drunk.
Then ther was my friend Zac. Sober ten years there did not appear to be anything wrong with his life.
The external event does not seem to be the common factor that brought on the common problem.
In AA, we are told, alcoholics like us need to have a complete change of personality sufficient to overcome alcoholism. Called variously a psychic change, a conversion experience, a spiritual experience or awakening. This is accomplished through working the steps and helping others.
Jack and Jill did neither of those things, Zac helped others but never took the steps. None of the three managed to get that psychic exchange.
The outcome today? Zac died after three months drinking. Jack is still drinking, all his plans down the toilet, his wife and children have left.
Jill took the steps and now actively works with others. Her life has changed, she has been happily sober for a number of years.
The first, Jack, had been making some plans, reorganising his life with a view to pursuing his dreams. Everything worked out in his favour, it could not have gone better. He got drunk.
The other, Jill, had a tragedy in her life. Her husband died unexpectedly. She got drunk.
Then ther was my friend Zac. Sober ten years there did not appear to be anything wrong with his life.
The external event does not seem to be the common factor that brought on the common problem.
In AA, we are told, alcoholics like us need to have a complete change of personality sufficient to overcome alcoholism. Called variously a psychic change, a conversion experience, a spiritual experience or awakening. This is accomplished through working the steps and helping others.
Jack and Jill did neither of those things, Zac helped others but never took the steps. None of the three managed to get that psychic exchange.
The outcome today? Zac died after three months drinking. Jack is still drinking, all his plans down the toilet, his wife and children have left.
Jill took the steps and now actively works with others. Her life has changed, she has been happily sober for a number of years.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Carl..its seems strange to say I feel some sense of relief that nothing tragic or unbearable occurred to prompt the relapse as the stumble is heartbreaking in of itself. I guess I'm glad you are not dealing with some sort of double whammy of pain. Perhaps it's more painful to realize that it wasn't some sort of monumental blow that prompted something. I dunno...
But geez I am curious...selfishly I guess. I'm sorry for that. A part of me is wanting to use your relapse as some sort of learning curve. That's horrid.
More than that...I don't want the stumble to turn into an absolute drowning. I'm hoping in time you will open up more about it. But I certainly respect wherever it is you are right now in your processing.
Just real glad you're still here...and hope you work your way through this with support rather than in your own head... a head that maybe being kinda nasty to you right now.
Anyhoo...thank you for the update.
But geez I am curious...selfishly I guess. I'm sorry for that. A part of me is wanting to use your relapse as some sort of learning curve. That's horrid.
More than that...I don't want the stumble to turn into an absolute drowning. I'm hoping in time you will open up more about it. But I certainly respect wherever it is you are right now in your processing.
Just real glad you're still here...and hope you work your way through this with support rather than in your own head... a head that maybe being kinda nasty to you right now.
Anyhoo...thank you for the update.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
So happy to see you're ok and alive. We are all still very much here for you! If you thought you taught us a lot before I believe you're going to provide even more knowledge to us.
Welcome home carl, we missed you
Welcome home carl, we missed you
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