worriedmom

Could I lose grandparents' visitation rights if my son gives up his parental rights & his child is adopted by someone else??? I'm waiting on a call from an attorney, but thought I'd ask in case any of you can share. I'm mortified with fear. The mother has permitted us to see her a couple times/month (currently nothing in writing from the court), but now she's remarried and stated to me today her husband intends to adopt my grand daughter.

JT

I think it depends on the relationship you have with the mom. OMG I can't type fast enough!

She very well may not be cutting YOU out but just the father. I am in a similar situation and if you have a good relationship nothing should change. I mean, who can't use the best babysitter known to man? Gramma!

Lawyers? Have you talked to HER?
JT

JT

Worried...back again! She told you about the adoption. Just ask her about the rest.

I have a grandson that I take twice a month and I know exactly what you are fearing. I have bent over backwards to maintain a relationship with the other side and it has benefited me well.

Only you know what that relationship is for you.

worriedmom

Yes, lawyers may be needed eventually (I hope not!). Basically, she wants to erase my son and feels I'm a threat because I'm his mom & still love him. She doesn't agree with me emotionally supporting him. In order for us to see our grand daughter we aren't permitted to ever speak his name to her; no pics of him are allowed out (in our own home!); we are not to correct her when she refers to the new husband as daddy. My son hasn't been permitted contact (phone or in person) with her since March 2003; he's not allowed to send her cards or gifts. She will not give us her new address or phone number; we can only leave messages on her cell phone. We aren't permitted to call our grand daughter. When we do see her it's when the mother has no one else. All this after watching her 6 days a week the first 2 years of her life. We have such a close bond with the child. My fear is the negative impact hiding the truth will have on my grand daughter. So far we have done everything she's demanded in order to see the child. She does not give 2nd chances. It matters not if he's in recovery...she wants him out of their lives for good. This is a SMALL description of what we're dealing with. I do realize she's trying to protect the child, but strongly disagree with punishing us & the child for my son's bad choices. We just want to be Granny & Papa.

Thanks for your response.

JT

Ok she is not punishing you...she is punishing your son. Her choice. And very likely for good reason.

What are you willing to do? Me? My son has not been a father but we have been one hell of good grandparents. WE have a relationship that my grandson values. He has no relationship with my son.

I have not personally been put in the situation of having to fight it but it seems that your son would have to sign off first. Or pay up...am I right?

Sunnie37

I feel for you. I am in a similar situation. I Am mom and struggling with whether or not to allow the grandmther to have contact. I am looking at having my son's fathers rights terminated as well and it's very sad all the way around.

worriedmom

Right, my son has done all the wrong things. We love him but do not condone his irresponsibility as a father. For her, it's not about the money anymore. It's about getting on with her life without the complications of him. We understand that, however, it seems morally wrong to pretend that a biological parent doesn't exist. We did have a good relationship with the mother. She told me she was closer to me than her own mother. It fell apart when she saw that we were sticking by him emotionally thru recovery. She was furious because we paid for treatment. We explained we did it not just for him, but for all of us, hoping it would help him in the long run. She is punishing him & I even understand that. She doesn't trust me to keep him away from the child, even though we've promised & have stuck to it. We are under constant threat of not seeing her again. When she leaves here, I don't launder her clothes until she returns for fear I won't see her again. Truthfully, I think it would be good if the new husband adopts my grand daughter. She likes him & we are very grateful. She needs consistency & stability in her life; something my son hasn't provided. A week an a half ago I told my son I love him but asked him not to contact me anymore because he still isn't paying child support. This was hard for me to do. I was a single parent & to me it's intolerable.

fuster

Depends on the laws in your state. Talk to the lawyer.

In many states such as where I live (WA) grandparents must petition the court on their own to get any legal right to visitation with grandkids. Short of getting custodial care awarded to you (an extraordinary result and very rare), the best you can hope for is visitation rights that are probably monitored and controlled by mom and the new husband, if your son signs away his rights.

If you have had a solid ongoing visitation schedule with these grandkids, keep it up and that is your best insurance when you go to court.

JT

Me again!

I divorced my son's father and I never terminated grand-parental rights. They just chose to not be around.

Why would you terminate rights? Unless it was to the detriment of the child?

Legally you can do alot of things but the child still has a hole. No amount of legal mumbo-jumbo can take that away. You cannot replace family...you cannot replace a child wanting to know who that family is...and they will.

My son does and my grandson won't,
JT

JT

Worried..I think we posted at about the same time.

My situation is this. My son is in jail and my grandson's mother died of an OD. The other family has been wonderful to us but not all that sympathetic to my son in prison.

Personally I know my son cannot be a parent right now and may lose his parental rights BUT that is not my problem. My grandson has a relationship with us that he would miss more and I am willing to go to whatever length it takes to keep that relationship.

Sorry to say but even at the risk of losing my son. We sometimes have to choose.
JT

Sunnie37

you both are tellig my story and have given me alot to think on as grand parents...please dont get courts involved to fight her continue to come at her mother to mother.

sunnie

ChillGal

WM
I am on the other side of the picture. I have a son that I severed rights to the father. Well actually I think the father severed rights to the son but it was long ago. He is 29 now and I think grandparents are one of the most precious things in the world and every child deserves to know them. I did not sever all ties to the grandparents but did say that we would be better off getting on with our lives. I guess they agreed because they never kept contact on a steady basis. The grandparents are As also, so I never really cared one way or the other although I never stopped them. If they were loving grandparents that would have fought so hard to see my son I would have been honoured to have them still in his life. I may have been angry about it at first because of the anger I still had towards their son. She may have a lot of anger built up because of your son and is trying to think what is best for the child. She probably just hasn't realized what is best and wants a "normal" life for her daughter. I say keep talking to the mother and let her know your true feelings for your grand daughter. You have to go along with what she says at least for the time being as she probably doesn't trust that you wont' bring your son along. She knows what it is to love a child just as you do. Don't sneak your son into the picture because as she gets older she will want to know anyway. Just be the loving grandparents that you are and hopefully when she realizes that you are there for the granddaughter only she will come to understand. Also I know in Canada we have grand parent rights. I think that knowing what your rights are from a lawyer is a good thing. Don't throw it in the Mom's face but there is no harm in finding out what your rights are. Your granddaughter is blessed to have such loving grandparents. Good luck.

worriedmom

Yes, we have been loving, devoted grand parents. We stopped enabling our son months ago & have now cut off contact with him. We DO NOT try to sneak our son into our relationship with our grand daughter. We are not willing to risk seeing her for him and her mother still holds the threat of not seeing her over our heads. Moreover, we realize fully that he hasn't been a good parent and probably isn't capable. My son's father was in and out of his life and it was devastating to his self esteem. We don't want that for our grand daughter. If he can't be a CONSISTENT good parent, he shouldn't be in her life.

We DO realize our grand daughter is more important than our son....she is the innocent. We've been telling her mother this for months...that the child is all we care about. What's been so difficult for us in dealing with the mother is we've done all the right things and are still threatened with never seeing her again. My grand daughter remembers her father (my son) and brings up his name on her own sometimes. If she mentions his name to the mother, she threatens not to bring her back. I've explained to her the child is very intelligent and remembers him. I decided a long time ago it's best not to talk about my son to her or have pictures of him out. I don't want her to be confused & asking where he is & why he doesn't see her. I do not discuss my son with the mother because we always end up in an argument.....I want to avoid that! When I won't discuss him & what he's doing or not doing with her she gets very angry. I've tried to explain to her I'm not responsible for him & that I'm only protecting my own serenity. She's still bitter (understandably) and only wants to throw in my face all his wrongs.....I've moved past that & want to move forward having a healthy relationship with my grand daughter.

zoomer

Good God! OK, it's alright for a person to want to get on with their lives,but I think the mother is being manipulative and mean. I believe for better or for worse that every parent should be involved as much as they can in a child's life. Weather it be once every 10 years or every day. My daughter's father wanted to give my daughter up for adoption to my now husband and I just could not do it. I did not want him hanging on a thread nor his parents,I wanted my daughter to feel whole and adoption would not make her feel that way. She was 7 years old when the adoption thing came up. I even got lectured by the school and the teachers made my daughter sign her name as my husband's last name! Talk about confusion! My daughter sees her grandparents (his family) all the time. I never stood in the way (but at times it was very akward for all of us). The grandparents are the ones who did not want to have pictures of their son around or of his new family when I came over. I thought it was stupid. One time though when I came over for what ever reason many years after thier son got married, they had his wedding picture out for me to see? LOL, I wanted to take a closer look to see if the "bride was as pretty as me",but I did't want to be rude. The grandparents were ashamed that their son did not pay child support in one way and in another they wanted him to keep his moeny for his new family. They hated me for taking thier son to court for child support,but acted nice to me when they saw my daughter. it's all very confusing,but I do try to never manipulate the situation. I think they should love thier son and accept him,but mind their own bees wax when it comes to the "relationship with me and their son". O we fight big time and now he is so very glad that I never let anyone adopt his daughter. She needs all of us!

worriedmom

Thanks Zoomer. You're a fair, smart mother.....keeping the child foremost & what's best for the child. Talk about controlling and manipulative....we aren't permitted to attend any of our grand daughter's activities (gymnastics, etc.) unless we pay for them. Also, that our being there would make the mother uncomfortable. Is this fair to the child????? She has invited us several times to these events & all we can say is "we want to come, but you need to ask mommy". Does it sound like the mother is keeping the child's needs/wants first?? Of course, we have offered to pay & told her our intent is not to make anyone uncomfortable, just to be there for our grand daughter....as I've said, we are willing to do whatever it takes to see her & be part of her life.

zoomer

(((((((((((((worriedmom)))))))) sounds like that mother needs a good spanking LOL!!!