dolphin12

Hi everyone.
This Friday I will be participating in a 2 day intensive family program at the rehab center my husband has been. He has been there almost 30 days.
Hi sister, who is 43, asked if she could go as she said she cares about her brother. She is a recovering addict and has just reached her 5 months sobriety. She told me a few days ago 5 that she is really going just to get a "mini vacation" from her family. The program is 3 hours away and we will be staying 3 days in a hotel. She has 3 grandkids that she baby sits plus a 21 yr old daughter that is not making good decisions and is drinking. Also, it bothers me that she is only 5 months clean and wants to go thru the family program. A part of me feels she's doing it for her brother. The other part of me feels she is doing it for her selfish reasons to get away from her chaos at home, she is also remodeling her home. I also feel she may be wanting to hear what the counselors say about addicts and hiding their addiction as a way to gain knowledge to hide hers in case she does relapse. This is the 2nd family program I have participated in with my AH. Am I wrong to have these feelings regarding her?

Refiner

Does your husband have any say in who he would like to have present? Your SIL already stated she's going because she wants a "mini-vacation", so you know what her motives truly are. (of course she "cares for her brother")

dolphin12

He does have a say. The other 2 he really wants there are his two daughters (25 and 30) from his previous marriage and they say they "can't" make it.

Refiner

I would just relay what your SIL told you then and have him make the choice. If she's really covertly there to gain info on how to hide a relapse, that's her deal, not yours (or your husband's).

Hammer

Well, ideally they will not be talking about the addict hiding addictions. THAT is NOT a family problem.

Should be all about you, kids, etc.

As far as this Charming and Delightful Sister in Law. Oh geezzz. Sounds like a rolling wreck. You need/want this in YOUR life because _________________?

hopeful4

Well, you can always just say that you are going on your own and stay in your own room. If she chooses to come tell his counselors and support staff your fears.

Mango blast

How do you feel about her staying in a hotel with you? I was really glad not to share a hotel room with anyone during family week with my husband's first rehab. Too much of my own emotions going on and I was wiped out. I needed me time. Being in the same hotel as my husband's family (if they would have known and went) would have been too much.

Did she go to rehab herself? Whether she did or not (and stepping back to look at this without my own emotions) this may be good for her and her relationship with her brother. Counselors are usually pretty good at working with anyone, regardless of what gets them there. Learning how to hide usage is not on the formal agenda. If she wants that, she can find addicts anywhere with that problem and it always comes out somewhere. What will likely be covered is the importance of working our own programs and staying sober/clean no matter what.

dolphin12

Yes she went to rehab last summer and left before finishing, after only 19 days. Also, she went to sober living and only stayed 12 hours. During our weekly visits with my AH, she has went everytime. When my AH talks about things he's working on in his program she always comments things to " Yea that's what addicts and alcoholics do". If I try to express my feelings and resentments she interrupts mine and my AH conversation and says " you can't hold grudges, you need to forgive." When we are at home, she can't really be relied upon to do anything. I asked her to look for hotel rooms today online while I am at work, I text her a question and she had yet to text back and that was 6 hrs ago. She does not work and is home all day. I just feel she had no right telling me that I need to forgive and what I need to do. This is between my husband and me. I just get so aggravated with his family.

biminiblue

If he wants to see her, that's his choice.

You don't have to take her in your car or stay in the same hotel with her.

hopeful4

I would specifically tell them your fears and that you feel she interrupts your healing. I am pretty sure the counselors will address this for you.

Mango blast

I'd highly suggest getting your own hotel room. What she does is up to her, but take care of you first. You have the right to make this time for yourself and to stay out of range of her drama whenever possible. "No." can be a complete sentence. Good luck!

Recovering2

This intensive program is for you. For you. So do what is best for you. "No" is a complete answer.
I participated in a similar program, and while it was life changing for me it was also completely exhausting. I could not have shared a room with anyone.
If she wants to go, let her make her own arrangements. She can contact the facility and get the information she needs. You don't need to be responsible for her.
Take care of you.