Sadangry81

I posted a longer version of my story on the newcomer thread, but realized my main issue boils down to this:

I decided last year to detach with love from my recovering drug addict brother. My father, the enabler, refuses to accept my decision. Most of the time, we don't discuss it, but when I decline to be around my brother or fail to invite him to my own events I'm heavily blamed and guilted for my decision. Other family members, believing the lies of my father and brother, also blame me for "breaking up the family."

This is an incredible difficult position. I understand I can't change my fathers decision to stay in contact with and financially support my brother, but he refuses to accept my decision to "detach with love" from my brother. It went so far recently, that I found my father was trying to engage my toddler (whom my brother had never met) in a relationship with my brother. I can no longer ignore this situation and feel very betrayed and disappointed. Does anyone have advice or feedback?

zoso77

Your dad's out of line here. Gently remind him that you will decide who your child meets and when, not him.

If your family wishes to engage with your brother, that's their right. If your family doesn't accept your position, that's their problem.

ZoSo

Chino

I agree; it is your right as a parent.

For that matter, choosing who you associate with is your right as well. If any relatives bring it up, you could always remind them it's your choice not to be surrounded by the dysfunction and chaos of addiction.

hopeful4

I agree too. It's so hard to realize that sometimes detatching from the addict also means detatching from those who enable the addict.

Tight Hugs.

biminiblue

Your father's actions and reactions are his. Same with the rest of the family.

You can control how much and where your child interacts with them.

They will do what they are going to do, and so will you.

I got a lot of freedom when I realized my mother would never react/act the way *I* thought she should. I let go of trying to make my point with her and life got much easier for me.

Sadangry81

Bimini - thanks for replying here. I think on the original thread you really helped me understand the root of the problem here.

I envy your freedom. I've accepted I can't change my father's relationship with my brother, but what do I do when it affects my family? Or my father pressuring me to "let it go" or "find it in my heart to forgive" when I stand by my decision to separate myself?

I'm so grateful for this forum and each of your responses. These issues can be isolating, even my husband can't understand.

hopeful4

I think you just be honest with them and tell them that for your own sanity you cannot have involvement with an addict.

interrupted

When my mom was pressuring me over my decision to no longer accommodate my sister's ongoing roller coaster ride of addiction I had to stop communicating with her as well. So, essentially, the same detachment I practiced on my sister I applied to my mother.

Things have improved since then, but whenever she would start down the path of discussing how I was at fault for my sister's position I would politely excuse myself from the conversation. A simple "I'm sorry you feel that way, well I'm going to let you go now, I love you, have a good day." and end the call. The same thing can apply to an in-person visit. "I'm sorry you feel that way, well I think toddler and I will be going, have a good rest of your weekend." Don't say it mean, just don't engage.

Your father is completely out of line making decisions about who your child has a relationship with. I would avoid giving him any more opportunities alone with child until your boundaries are better understood. That might happen, or it might not. Clearly our parents are very good at believing what they want to believe even in the face of extraordinary evidence to the contrary ("she's really trying this time!" "I know she would be able to clean up if everyone just did x, y, and z!" "It's those people she's hanging around, they're the problem!") and unfortunately that extends to our own boundaries as siblings, too. The only thing we can do is use the same tools of detachment that we apply to the sibling situation in the parental relationship as well.

sojourner

SadAngry81: Just chiming in here to say that what you have experienced is the norm for those of us who have decided to detach. And what you are hearing from other family members is what flaming enablers tell their small children. This is how we became "adult children of alcoholics."

Anyway, you are doing the right thing. Your brother is hearing your message loud and clear, and you may be the only one close to him who is saying it (albeit in a silent way).

Are you going to Al-Anon meetings? There is another place you would find support. Sober Recovery is great, but there is something about face-to-face meetings that just can't be beat.

The person in AA has to learn to stay away from people who continue to use. We family members have our version of the same thing in that we have to learn to stay away from enablers, and part of the reason for that is the pressure and guilt they put on us. Have you heard the one that says, "And you call yourself a Christian?"

Keep coming back!