LoveMeNow

Since I have left my STBXAH, I have watched him try to rebuild a relationship with our daughter. This would be great if he was working a recovery but he is not.

He is desperate to have a relationship with her now and she is loving every second of it. In fact, she has chosen sides!! His, for now anyway!! This is the same girl who only 2 years ago refused to have anything to do with him or even invite him to her graduation.

I don't know if she is in denial or just accepting of his addiction now. I know she hasn't asked him or me, liked she used to. And I am staying out of it!!

But it is really pathetic and disgusting to see him use her this way. He needs her approval now to "legitimize" his addiction. "I am not that bad if I have my daughter back." In some sick way, I feel like she has replaced me with her. I think he also loves that she is angry with me too!!

I am stepping back and staying out of it! To be very honest, she is not very likable right now so I am not missing out on any real good company.

She was raised by her addict, birth mom for the first 10 yrs of her life and then her father gets addicted to pain pills. Both of her (half) brothers are addicts too and have spent time in jail. Addiction has taken so much from her and from such an early age.

I have offered her counseling several times, she refuses and is angered that I would even suggest a "stupid thing." I do not believe she is taking any drugs but I am starting to wonder because she has changed so much. Some say it is simply the age, but I am truly concerned for her.

I know she knows I love her unconditionally! I know she knows she can always come to me and I will always be there for her. But right now, she is loving being back to a "daddy's girl." She really needs her dad, I just wish she really had him. (And I told him so!!) Back to day 1 of no contact!!

Vale

I'm sorry, my friend.
As we have both discovered so painfully,
the only decision in OUR hands is the one
that removes us from the blast radius of
this hellish abomination.

chicory

lovemenow,

it is so hard , when they are teenagers.. add in drugs and it has to be a nightmare. I do hope she has been frightened away from using them herself.

I am glad she has your love and support. she will no doubt need it and probably in the near future.

buttercup89

This sentence was jumping out at me when I read your post. I do have issues with my dad myself and sometimes I would be 100% sure to finally break off with him just to seek his attention the other day. I guess something inside me still wants to be the daddy's girl. Maybe she just hopes that he's actually doing better and hopes that things could work out and she could have a good relationship with him. I guess she needs to realize it by herself, that her dad isn't the person she wants him to be, and this may take time.

It's good that she has your support no matter what and I wish you both all the best!

LoveMeNow

She is only almost 21 and had refused to speak to her father for over a year. She appeared to have some very strong boundaries during that time. She would only speak to him again if he got clean and for a substantial amount of time.

I find it hard to believe she doesn't know now he isn't clean especially since I have left him. And yet somehow I am the bad guy?? <eye roll> He is completely kissing her butt though and it's pathetic because I know he is using her to validate his addiction. I was used the same way too.

I would love to see them rebuild their relationship but a relationship built on truth and integrity not a lie. According to him, I am just jealous because I am now the one on the outs. Uhm, no....I do not measure my self worth by his or her opinion.

She didn't like my new ability to have boundaries and say NO!! She doesn't like the changes in me.....oh well!! He is the "yes, sure, anything you want honey" parent. Sadly, I see her getting more messed up and more hurt by this new relationship but there is nothing I can do about it. But we all know, dance with the devil long enough, you are going to get burned. I just hate to see her get burned again.

buttercup89

The only way I can explain her actions is, that she might know that he isn't clean but she still wants to believe it. It's hard to tell what has changed since the time when she used to have these boundaries and now. As I said, maybe she just hopes things would be different, and keeps hanging on to this idea, for whatever reason. And since you're trying to protect her and showing her the truth, she might see that you're right but doesn't want to believe it because it would destroy her dream/hope. and that makes you the bad guy.
Does it make any sense? Maybe i'm wrong, this is just the way I see it. and I think she doesn't want to hurt you, so try not to take it too personally. I know it's easier said than done....

Refiner

This must be a hard transition for you to make as a mother... your daughter is now an adult and these choices are hers and hers only. Please think of yourself and what you can do for you and to make you a better person. You have no control over your STBXAH and his addictions nor your adult daughter.

Croissant

Remember, she really is still young and maybe is just enjoying some time with her Dad all to herself. I've had my foot in many parts of this kind of story....but at the end of the day, 21 is still perhaps too young for her to even see what her future looks like, so counselling - she doesn't have any problems in her eyes.

She's already had a complex past with her own Mum, which will also add to the situation.

Try not to make her feel she has to take sides. Drop all talk of him and strive to be the role model she probably needs (if you want to stay involved in her life). I'm sure you could be a haven for her, as long as your motivation is to genuinely support her and she feels that. Nothing upset me more when my Dads ex would try and pull me onto "oh look what I heard your father did" conversations. I loved her company, we had a great time together, but no way did I want to talk about my Dad.

LoveMeNow

Well she isn't speaking to me at this time so.......

And right now, I am OK with that because I don't want to be involved and I don't want her involved. I would never bad mouth her father but I won't lie for him if I am asked directly. Although, I would tell her to speak to him regarding specific questions.

It seems strange to say but....... I am actually relieved she isn't speaking to me right now. She has become a typical 21 yr old.....who knows everything. LOL And to my shock, she has become very disrespectful. He will allow it but I won't and she knows it. Plus, I have seen her play some very manipulative and not very nice games lately and I just want no part of any drama.

danyalcormier

Sounds like your being the better parent and in due time she will understand and wake up. In the mean time I can only imagine your pain. Stay strong for you and her

danyalcormier

I have a 24yr old and 17 yr old daughters! woo hoo its been great getting here cause sober is the best way to deal with them!! lol

hopeful4

LMN....I am sorry. That has to hurt, a lot. I think a lot of it boils down to denial. He may be telling her he is clean, and....she wants to believe him. He is her father. Denial is so powerful and so very hurtful.

I hope you keep focusing on your own recovery from all of this. When she sees that you are steady and support her when she decides to reach out, she will open her eyes.

Tight Tight Hugs!

Ann

Because she has a relationship with her dad doesn't mean she approves his using, maybe she's just trying to win his attention, something he doesn't have to give for long before his addiction gets in the way.

You are showing grace to rise above all this, she knows you love her and one day she will understand more than she does today.

Being there for her when she is ready for a healthy relationship shows what a good and loving mom you are.

She has lived a life surrounded by addiction, as awful as it is, she may need to find out for herself that it doesn't have to be that way. It's a hard lesson.

Being yourself, letting your own recovery shine, just may be a beacon of light to her one day.

Hugs and Hugs