Mamahawk

Am I allowed to ask a question here if I am an addict? I am clean for 17 days.

iSPAZ

Sure just try not to be too sensitive some folks have been hurt bad and still a little raw. Most however will be honest and supportive. Just take what you like and leave the rest. Maybe someone can give some insight that helps in your journey. I would like to think we all mean well. What is your question? I like you tag below your post. The wolf thing. I believe it is true.

Katchie

Congratulations on your 17 days...I pray your continued success. Like iSPAZ, I like your signature saying of the Wolf.

dandylion

Hi, Mamahawk. I must say--I'm loving on the wolf tag! That is new, to me.

Of course, you can ask a question. I think that iSpaz gave you really good general advice.

dandylion

Refiner

Welcome, Mamahawk!

FireSprite

Welcome, of course, ask away! Like ispaz said, be prepared for honesty, but know that it always comes from a place of support.

I recognize the quote in your tag, but I can't place the source.... Native American quote/parable?

HopefulinFLA

Welcome Mamahawk and congrats on 17 days!

unsureoffuture

Absolutely ask away. I always value the addicts perspective because most of the time its me trying to figure out what is going on inside the other person head. Its nice to hear the other side of things

HopefulinFLA

I completely agree unsure. It's always helpful to some perspective from the other side.

fedup3

Mamahawk, you are more than a addict, just like we are more than just codies! Sounds like you're a mother as well? Ask away.

Mamahawk

Hi. Thank you so much. I came here because I want honesty from the "other side" I was addicted to pills for 20 years. It got really bad. Somehow my husband and children still love me very much. 18 days ago though, they reached the end and were ready for me to leave. I did. I left. I have never left them before. I got to the end of the road and turned around and came back. I decided enough was enough but it took the coldness I felt from them that day to get me there. I came home and gave my husband my car keys, my checkcard, my money and phone. I told him to take me off the bank account and that I will not leave the house without him. And only him. Not even with leave with the boys so they don't have to "watch me". So basically I am under a self imposed house arrest. I take random drug test for them. My question is how long should it be like this? What other things can I do to show I am sincere? I will do anything. We are happy and getting back to normal. I homeschooled both of my boys even through my addiction. I kept the house spotless and took care of everybody but I realize I wasn't present with them and I created havoc with our money. I am mainly using SR as my recovery tool right. That and a lot of soul searching. I have been on a spiritual journey of sorts. Working through my issues. I know I can't fix 20 years in 18 days. I just want to know what else I can do?? And should I just stay on house arrest as long as they want?

The wolf tag is from an old Cherokee story. I fell in love with it and it resonated with me. It means a lot to me so I'm glad y'all noticed it! I will feed the good wolf from now on. I want the other to starve to death!

SparkleKitty

Thank you for sharing your story, Mamahawk.

I can only suggest that you add as many tools to your recovery toolbox as you can conceive of, not limiting any options whatsoever until you have tried them. The more you take your recovery into your own hands, the more it will shine and show.

fedup3

Mamahawk, it sounds like you are determined to have recovery but it takes outside help to give you the tools so that is possible. Have you heard of 12 step program? Go to this page and there will be others who will help you with advise on getting help: Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Come back often and post we want to know how you are doing. I'll be praying for you.

Mamahawk

My addiction got so bad. So very bad. At the end I would take 12-14 pills at a time with no limit on how many times a day I would do it. They didn't make me sleep. They made me clean and cook and get the schoolwork done. And I know I an addict and I have a disease but I also know now without a doubt I am the only one who can stop it. I am my cute. And with my family I can do this. I don't want to lose them or hurt them anymore. They still love me so I still have a chance. I just want to do everything right and make them comfortable. They are so far. They got a test yesterday and I took it and I had no reason to be angry because I knew it would be clean. Will things become normal someday? So we don't have live in this weird way?

hopeful4

Hello and welcome to F&F Mamahawk. I think it 's great that you are taking this very seriously. The hurt from addiction to the families is long term and amazingly hard to deal with. What you have to earn back is trust, and that takes a long time. However, when you show them that you are serious and are able to function without them looking over your shoulder they will begin to trust again. Just don't let them down over and over, that sort of pain is unbearable, especially for children who think it's their fault.

I hope you get face to face support for your recovery so you can be the best you can be to them, and to yourself. Congrats on your 17 days. You and your family are in my prayers.

BTW...I don't think that putting yourself on house arrest is the solution unless you need that for you. I think that going out and about and coming home clean is the way to earn back trust. I guess the question is, can you trust yourself at this point? As I told my X husband who is an addict, there will always be triggers and until you are ready to handle those triggers without using you won't recover.

I know you can do this! Your concern and honesty comes through!

redatlanta

As you stated you can't fix 20 years in 18 days.

What you are doing right now is what we refer to as "whiteknuckling". In order to achieve long time sobriety your brain has to be reprogrammed. The chances of you relapsing are very high if you do not.

While effective for periods of time, testing an addict is not enough. Eventually the demons start talking and even a test, or breathalyzer, or threat of jail will not keep an addict from re-visiting their DOC.

I am a strong supporter of 12 step programs though there are other recovery programs that are effective as well. My advice would be to find a local NA group and go like.....today. Find a sponsor and work the steps. While SR is a great avenue for support it is not a recovery program.

You can do this...you can conquer addiction.

As for how long things will be like that in your home I would say awhile. However, if you are working an active recovery and your family sees this it would be more likely that trust would build back faster than if you try and wing it "cold-turkey".

Good luck to you and welcome to SR.

Mamahawk

I think me being at home is best for me and for them right now. I need time to get strong, they need time to trust. I have to learn how to handle the triggers. 20 yrs is a long time. My boys are 19 and 16 and able to get around without me now. My hubby works long hours. They need this right now. I know it's not forever. We have a lot of work to do. I think I will get face to face help. Maybe a therapy program.

fedup3

Mamahawk, you wouldn't think of building a house without tools and you can't rebuild your house without tools either. Please use the link I provided above and post on there someone will give you some good advise.

Congrats on the 18 days!

hopeful4

Good for you! It sounds like you are ready and willing to do what it takes, that is what is important!

Good Luck and God Bless to you and your entire family!

Mamahawk

I promise I am going to get help. I know I can't do this on my own. It's to ingrained in me. The addiction. I want to do whatever it takes to fight and win this!